


too close yet too far

by awastedream



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: I don't know what I'm doing I'm sorry, M/M, warning: bad grammar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-27
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-06-04 15:40:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 39,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6664507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awastedream/pseuds/awastedream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rejecting iwaizumi hajime's love confession on graduation day is one of greatest mistake oikawa tooru did? Probably, yes!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lies I said

That day start with a shining sun and Tooru thought "Today will be a good day." He always has been a fan of sunny days. He loved sun and how bright is it. Although today was an end for his high school life, there a long future awaits for him. And he will make it a bright one as much as sun.  
  
"Today will be a good day." that's what he were thinking until Hajime wanted to talk with him. He wanted to meet with him at classroom. It was as if a scene from a shoujo manga. If they were a girl and boy, he would wait a love confession. Ridiculous, right?

It was after saying goodbye to their team mates and class friends. They were supposed go to somewhere with their friends and celebrate "graduation" but before than that Hajime wanted to talk. He wanted to talk about something important and it should have now! Not before or later. Now or never..

Tooru was the first one come to classroom. How it was selfish of Hajime to make him wait for him when he was the one said he would kill him if he was late. He was getting bored and it's was the first time seeing classroom this quiet, was the first time seeing school this quiet. He suddenly feel sad, it was really over. Starting today, he will never come to this classroom again. All memories suddenly hit him, both sad and happy. And he is thankful for both of them because they're the reason he is strong and have confidence in himself.

Then Hajime show up. He was holding some flowers and a few gift. How sad for Hajime becoming suddenly popular on on graduation day. Oikawa wanted to make a joke about it but before he had a chance, Hajime start to talk.

_"Trashykawa! I-I..."_  
  
He put flowers and gifts on his old dest, Hajime seemed so nervous, nervous like Oikawa has never see before.

_"You know, w-we know each other for a long time and --"_

"Oh! God, no! Please, no." what Oikawa thought because already understand where this talk will go and he didn't want that.  
Oikawa wanted him to shut up. No matter how mutual this feels. He didn't want to hear those words. But there was nothing he could do. He was stunned, his voice couldn't come out. There was nothing but listen to Hajime.

_"--and"_

_"I-I-I.."_

_"Ugh! I never thought this would be THAT hard. Man I really do respect all people who could do that."_

_"Man, fuck it."_

_"Tooru."_

**How unfair of him to call him by his name.**

_"I'm in love with you."_

**I know.**

_"I'm in love with you for a long time."_

**I know.**

_"I've always been in love with you."_

**I know.**

_"And I want you to go out with me."_

**I know.**

_"I want to be with you from now as a lover."_

**So I do.**

_"I want to have right to hold your hand."_

**So I do.**

_"I want to have right to kiss your lips."_

**So I do.**

_"I want to wake up with you."_

**So I do.**

_"I want to be with you rest of my life."_

**So I do.**

  
Oikawa was about to cry. Not even in a million years, he would thought he could hear such a confession from Iwa-chan.

Now he have to reject him. But How can he reject him after hearing those words that he always wish to hear one day. How after seeing how nervous is Hajime. How he could hurt his bestfriend and his love of live. How when Hajime probably knows it's mutual. How can he say he doesn't want to any of those when it's one of his greatest dream.

But he has to because it's not the right time for them. It's not the right time for Oikawa and if he still accept him, things will probably won't go well from them and they will even lose their precios friendship. And that's what Oikawa can't risk it. The only thing Oikawa can't risk is the relationship between him and Hajime. Oikawa can't handle lose his Iwa-chan.

Because right now he wants to focus on Volleyball and Uni. Because he wants a future bright as sun. Because love is not in the picture right now. He has to reject him. Altough Oikawa knows Hajime thinks now or never. He thinks there will be no anyway to them to be apart and a time will come when both are ready. Altough Hajime waited for him for years. Although Hajime thought after graduation is the right for them, he was wrong.

For Oikawa volleyball is still first and still have no time for romance. Because having a relationship with Hajime would be serious. Because having a relationship with Hajime would be nothing like his old ones. Because if he had a relationship with Hajime, he should put effort, he couldn't give up easily. Because even though they would fight all the time he could never walk out and end things like he always does.

Because of all those reasons, he has to reject his confession. He knows how hard for Hajime put those words together. But he has to. He didn't know what kind of words he should choose. He didn't want to see Hajime getting even more hurting because of his wrong word choice but before he had a change to talk, Hajime start to talk again.

_"I know...It's so suddenly....and maybe makes you uncomfortable..."_

_"But we know each other since we were little brats. I know you so damn well. I know_  
_what kinds of things you like or hate."_

_"I know how your face looks like when you look at the person you love."_

_"I know how your eyes are shining when you look at the person you love."_

_"And they were similar looks when you look at me...So I thought...Maybe...You..Also love me as I love you. "_

_"I--"_

_"HAJIME"_

It could be the first time he called him by his first name with this kind of voice tone. Absolutely cold and  
callous. But this were only way to keep Iwaizumi quiet. Because Hajime have to be stay quiet and not talk at all. Any more words than that would trouble Oikawa. It would be impossible for him to reject him.

_"Hajime, I'm really sorry if I give you false hopes."_

**Lies**

_"Yes, it's true. To me you're more than a childhood or best friend."_

**Lies.**

_"But I don't see you in that way."_

**Lies.**

_"I can't imagine touching or kissing you."_

**Lies.**

_"I can't imagine waking up in the same bed."_

**Lies.**

_"I can't imagine we being lovers."_

**Lies.**

**They are all lies, Hajime. Don't believe them. Don't let my lies hurt you.**

Oikawa could clearly see how hurt Iwaizumi trying to not break down. How hurt he was keep his tears not fall. His eyes were lost it focus because tears. But Oikawa knows so well, they will not fall, not in front of him. Iwaizumi Hajime will not cry in front of Oikawa Tooru. Not anymore.

_"More than bestfriends but less than a lover, huh?"_

_"Well, whatever you say. Shittykawa."_

Hajime take flowers and gifts he put on the his old desk. He walked toward the classroom door. And before going without looking Oikawa's face.

_"I'm sorry."_

Hajime didn't turn his face toward to him but Oikawa could easily see the single tear drop on Hajime's face.

_"I'm really sorry."_

Because of that voice Oikawa had nightmares for weeks. Hajime sounds so broken. And Oikawa was the reason of that voice.  
  
_\--------------_

Oikawa doesn't remember when he was already out of school and walking in street. The rain began to drizzle, his clothes were getting wet but he didn't feel it. He couldn't forget Hajime's face, his voice and his that one tear drop...He hated himself. He really hated himself alot. Never wanted to break Iwaizumi like that. He only thought of his feelings, his future. He only thought of himself. Can he get any more selfish than that? Probably, not!

  
He was thinking what kind of expression he should wear the next time he saw Iwa-chan. Then he suddenly thinking of something he never wanted. Like what if Iwaizumi doesn't want to see him anymore? What if Iwaizumi never show his face to him? What if??

"NO. NO. NO. NO. NO." he kept repeat it in his mind. There no any way to Hajime would give up on them. There is no way Iwa-chan to come to hate on him. There is no any way.

In the end that summer break Oikawa and Iwaizumi didn't saw each other. **Not even once**

_\--------------_

Oikawa and Iwaizumi finally see each other after long time. It was the first time Tooru see his face since graduation day although they did text each other in that time period but never did even call each other.

Somehow the first meeting after months wasn't awkward as much as Oikawa thought it would be. Hajime seemed like relaxed and nothing happened. He was way too comfortable. He wa act life as if that day didn't happened. Don't know why but Oikawa was very bothered with his behavior, he didn't like it the fact that he was only one can't get over that day but there was nothing he could do about it.

_\--------------_

One night Oikawa go out with Matsukawa and Hanamaki to drink something, he was feeling down and want to have some fun. It was a few week after Oikawa saw Iwa-chan at his Uni. Iwa- chan was come to see him. Tooru was really because of that but after that day Iwaizumi were start to act a little weird. It was as if there was something bothered him, it was as if he wanted to tell him something but didn't know how. Tooru was curious about it but whenever he asks Iwa-chan, he was ignoring him and tell him "nothing" or "everything is okay." or "I don't know what are you talking about." and because of some reasons Oikawa couldn't push his luck.

  
_"Okay. I really don't want to waste my time so I'm directly asking."_

_"You two must know what's going on with Iwa-chan, when I ask about it, he doesn't hive me an answer. And he's ignoring me."_

_"And I'm actually getting worried. Did something bad happen? My imagination gone crazy so please tell me."_

They both seemed like bothered because of this question. Because of that Oikawa was getting even more worried.

_"We don't know."_ said Hanamaki. Hoselty it was so obvious that he's lying.

_"Come on!"_

_"Okay, we know."_

_"But, trust me you wouldn't want to know."_

_"It's not something important! So control your imagination."_ said Hanamaki.

Matsukawa looked at Hanamaki. _"Stop trying. He will hear it anyway. Sooner or later! It would be more good for him to hear it from us."_

Matsukawa sighed and looked at Oikawa with pitying eyes.

Honestly it didn't seem like "it's not something important"

_"Hajime start to go out with someone."_ said Matsukawa.

**well Oikawa didn't saw this coming but he can't do anything about it. He has no right.**

_"with a guy"_ added Hanamaki.

**well Oikawa did saw this coming but he can't do anything about it. He has no right.**

_"with Ushijima Wakatoshi."_ said both.

**_well Oikawa did saw this coming but he can't do anything about it. He has no --- WHAIT WHHAAAAAT???!!_ **


	2. Don't tell me lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iwaizumi and Ushijima's POV

That night Iwaizumi couldn't sleep at all. He thought things over and over. He was sure about his and Oikawa's feeling for a long time but wasn't sure about timing. He wasn't sure if tomorrow is the right time for them but the thing is he didn't want to wait any more than this. He wants to live his life, until now he didn't even go out with anyone, didn't kiss anyone, didn't thought of anyone but this doesn't mean he wants to make things clear because he wants a relationship but because Hajime made Oikawa focus of his life since the day he fall in love with Oikawa, he didn't see anyone but him. But it wasnt the same for Oikawa. Oikawa fall in love with Hajime way before Hajime did. He wasn't awere of this then but when Hajime start to look at Oikawa with that kind of eyes. He understand it. He understand what kind of painful road Oikawa had and because of that he didn't blame him or got hurt when Oikawa dated with girls, when he kissed others, when he hold their hands when he flirt with him infort of him. Hajime perfectly knows it's something hard to accept so he didn't blame him. But now it's a different story because they're not little brats anymore. They are adults and starting today a new chapter will begin for them, a new life begins for him and he doesn't want to wait for someone in this new life. Graduation day was meant an end or a beginning for them. Meant an end for his hopes or a beginning for his dreams.

While walking to school Hajime was so nervous. Nervous like never before. Not even in some matches. His eyes immediately caught Oikawa, he wasn't even looking for him. He was surrounded by girls. Some of them was giving him gifts, some of them was crying, some of them was want a goodbye kiss from him. Ugh!! That popular bastard. Said Hajime with a loud voice. But thankfully he was alone so nobody hear or see his jealousy.

After ceremony Hajime found Oikawa and told him to wait for him at classroom. And added if he's late, he will punch him until he can't breathe but because some girls stopped him to give flowers and gifts he ends up with coming late one. When he go into classroom Oikawa was sitting on his desk. It was as if that day. The day that Iwaizumi Hajime fall in love with Oikawa Tooru.

It was the first day of high school but wasn't an important or magical moment, in fact it was very oriniday moment, he told Oikawa wait for him in classroom and while waiting Oikawa fall asleep on Hajime's desk but it was the moment that Hajime fall in love with him. When he saw his ugly sleeping face, altough it was ugly but at the same time it was so innocent. At the that moment Hajime wanted to touch his messy hair, touch his silly ugly face. Wanted to touch so badly but he couldn't. Having dirty thought while looking at an innocent face. How distusting.

That's why Iwaizumi wanted to meet with Oikawa at the classroom. Perfect ending or beginning place.. This is where his feeling for Oikawa began to change and will be where the will put an end or start.

When Iwaizumi confessed his feeling that he hide for years to Oikawa, he felt free. He lost alot weight. And now it was all up to Oikawa. Hajime was aware of the fact that that confession would scare Oikawa af but it's something he did habe to do. He did have to do that for them. He did have to do that for himself.  
  
Then Oikawa made him shut up by calling his name.

_"HAJIME"_

**What a cold voice. Hajime thought. It wasn't a good sign.**

_"Hajime, I'm really sorry if I give you false hopes."_

**Oh god!**

_"Yes, it's true. To me you're more than a childhood or best friend."_

**_Again not a good sign._ **

_"But I don't see you in that way."_

**He did it.**

**He put an end for them before they even start.**

_"I can't imagine touching or kissing you."_

**I beg you Tooru, don't lie.**

_"I can't imagine waking up in the same bed."_  
  
**I beg you Tooru, don't lie.**

_"I can't imagine we being lovers."_

**I beg you Tooru, don't lie.**

**Don't lie to me Oikawa Tooru...**

Hajime wanted to say those words loud but when he looked at Oikawa's face, he saw the truth on Oikawa's face that he didn't want to face it.

It wasn't the right time for him.  
It wasn't the right time for them.  
But what's done is done. Can't be helped.  
He can't take his confession back and he didn't want to take it back.

Oikawa didn't want a relationship now and it's probably because of volleyball and Hajime doesn't blame him or hate him for this. After all his passion for volleyball. Oikawa still only want to focus on volleyball. Only volleyball until he's good enough. And it's painful for Hajime to not be important to Oikawa as much as volleyball but Hajime understand him. After all Oikawa's passion for volleyball and how he always tries his best to get things he likes is one of reasons Hajime loves him.

He understand Oikawa and his reasons that he didn't tell him. He knows him too well.

Ironic how they're so close yet too far.

But the thing probably Oikawa didn't understand is from now there won't be another chance for them. Hajime waited for him years. He stayed with him and watched him touching other girls when they was both in love with each other. And Hajime doesn't plan to keep it that way. He won't watch it anymore. He will always be there for Oikawa but from rom now they're more than bestfriends but less than a lover.

What kind of lame joke.

Thinking about saying goodbye to his feeling for Oikawa made him emotional. Today Iwaizumi Hajime was saying goodbye alot.

But well whatever right? Who cares? Not like it's end of the world.  
He was about to cry but didn't want to cry infort of Oikawa. Ironic just a few hours ago he could only cry infort of Oikawa but not anymore. Starting today he can't cry infort of Oikawa ever again.

He want to quickly go to home and cry in one corner where nobody could hear or see his crying. But before he letf apologized to Oikawa, he wans't sure why he did but he feel like he has to apologize so he did, no other reason.

He run to home without even breathing. It was raining. Today started with a shining sun but now sky is crying. It was as if sky was crying to cover his tears. Cover his pain. And Iwaizumi Hajime was thankful to sky.

_\--------------_

For that summer break Hajime gone somewhere nobody knows him, nobody knows Oikawa, nobody knows them. He didn't want to see Oikawa's face for a while and he run away, it's probably childish but he doen't care, he is not read to face Oikawa and until he's ready he will keep running.

It was a good town with good people in it. He did have fun until it's night, when it's night he start to think about Oikawa, he start to think about that rejection, he start to think about "what if."

So Hajime decided go to a night club and that night he had his first sexual experience it's wasn't messy or bad as he thought it would be. Mostly because his partner was experienced and even he teach Hajime some skills.

Because he didn't want to spent nights alone, Hajime go to that club almost every night and come back to his room with a different partner.

But one night he learend something with a really painful way.

That night wasn't different then others, it was a gay club so everyone was looking for a partner so when a handsome wanted to drink something with Hajime, he said okay and after sharing a hot kiss, they directly go to Hajime's room. Before Hajime realized that guy already pushed him to bed and was already naked.

 _"I want to be inside of you."_ That guy said it with a really charming face and a voice that burns things inside of Hajime.

 _"Do it."_ said Iwaizumi although he never used his butt until that momet and without thinking twice.

After a few second Hajime learned a lesson that called "Don't make looks fool you."

That guy pushed his cook into his hole with force, without even preparing him. He did whatever he wants with Hajime's body, he moved as he likes, and didn't listen Hajime no matter how many time Hajime said "slow down." He come inside of him countless time, he felt sick. Really sick. He could smell of his own blood. Sheets was painted with that guy's sperm and Hajime's blood. He had a taste of his blood in his mouth, he bited his tongue while that guy did those things to him. He didn't even had energy to move his fingers.

After that guy "done" immediately left and it was the best part of night.

After that night Hajime couldn't move his body for straight two days.

_\--------------_

Wakatoshi Ushijima saw Hajime Iwaizumi walking on campus. "Probably come to see Oikawa." is what he thought or else why would he come for? No matter how close they got during past weeks. Hajime could never come to see him. If Hajime comes here, it's only for Tooru was what he thought but Hajime was walking toward him with a smile on his face. A smile that Wakatoshi adores. A smile that Wakatoshi always want to see. A smile that Wakatoshi want to mean only for him. But it's too good to be true. Almost too unreal to be real. So he look at around him if Oikawa was there but was not, Oikawa isn't here.

That smile is for him. Hajime come to see him.

Usijima felt a happiness he never felt before.

Maybe after all he has a chance.

Ushijima couldn't wait for Hajime to come to him. He go to his side, grab his arms and steal a kiss for him. Steal the kiss that he has been yearning for weeks. Not it wasn't enough. He wanted more. He needed more.

Ushijima steal another kiss before Hajime had a chance to say something. Hajime raised his hand reflexively but didn't do anything with it like he wasn't quite sure what he should do. Ushijima deepend on kiss.

Ushijima slipped his touge between Hajime's lips. He chased Hajime's touge down and captured it as it triend to espace.

But then Hajime pushed him away. It wans't right place to do this kind of things. A place that everyone could see them. Although Wakatoshi didn't care about others, although he didn't care who could see him but Hajime did so it was enough reason to stop him. But there is no way he could let to this day like that. He grapped Hajime's hand and was so thankful the fact that his house is very close to his Uni.

Ugh! What a great day. Wakatoshi Ushijima thought, while going to home with Hajime.

_\--------------_

The first time Wakatoshi Ushijima saw Hajime Iwaizumi was three weeks after he start to Uni and during those three weeks he heared alot about him because of Oikawa Tooru since they're in the same team. Although he always wished to be in the same team as Oikawa, it wasn't like he thought it would be. Like most of time all he talks is about "his Iwa-chan" and how much he wish to be in the same Uni/team as him And Ushijima didn't understand why Oikawa didn't go to the same Uni as him. The uni Hajime goes wasn't a bad and in fact it was equal to this Uni. Both uni had great volleyball teams and they both have famous players plus Ushijima heard Oikawa was accepted to it as well. If he wanted to be with Hajime that much he could but he didn't chose to be. So why now complain about it? Ushijima didn't understand it at all. Without wanting Ushijima learned alot things about Hajime before meeting him, they didn't even see each other other than court. And now he knows alot unnecessary things about him, probably things that even Hajime doesn't know himself and there is no espacing form hearing those things since all Oikawa do is talk about him. It was as if they're dating but it's impossible because Tooru is alwasy with girls and already dated with 2 girls. Although Oikawa is aannoyin but because he's incredible when he's on court, when he's playing so it's makes everything meaningless since he's what team needs, no matter how annoying is he or how much obsessed with his childhood friends, they will accept him the way he is. He will accept him the way he is.

When He saw Hajime, there was such a sad look on his face, his eyes were teary, he looked broken, he looked like he wants help, he looked like he wants to someone grab his hand and take him away from here. And Ushijima don't why but he wanted to do it. He wanted to grab his hand and take him away.

But of course he didn't do it. Like why would he do it? They didn't know each other at all. They didn't even say any word to each other before. Plus Iwaizumi probably hates him. So why would he? Why he want to do it? Why?

He hated how he didn't have any answer to those questions.

_\--------------_

For entire week Ushijima couldn't get off his mind the look on Hajime's face and why did he want to take him away. He couldn't even focus on volleyball and make so simple mistakes he never did before. It wasn't like him at all. He need to get over it and focus on imporatant things.

But seeing Hajime on compus again after he decided get over it, wasn't helping him. He looked much better than last time he looked but still had that lonely look, this time he come with his friends from Seijo if Ushijima is right their name was Matsukawa and Hanamaki. He looked like he was more comfortable with coming with them. Ushijima can't help but wonder what really happened with Iwaizumi and Oikawa. They seems they're so close yet too far. But it's none of his business. As long as Oikawa play good on court, it's okay.

They probably looking for Oikawa but since he's at library and nobody could gusses he's at there because it's not a place Oikawa often goes. Ushijima wanted to help but didn't know what to say because he knows they don't like him and probably won't want his help. But he still did. Although don't know why...

_"He's at library....."_

_"Oikawa is at library..If y'all looking for him."_ said Ushijima.

They all looked surprised. They didn't expect to him to talk with them or maybe he didn't even expect to see him.

 _"Thanks."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"And it would be really helpful if you say where's the library?"_ said Matsukawa.

_"Shittykawa didn't really show us around."_

_"That idiot."_ said Hajime.

They talked with him, more friendly than he thought they would be. Maybe he wasn't hated like he thought.

He told them where is the library.

 _"Well. He's with his girlfriend...So maybe y'all should be careful..Cause maybe they're.. you know-"_   added Ushijima. He added something he shouldn't.

 _"Fucking?"_   asked Hajime. Asked with a sarcastic and broken voice.

Ushijima serioulsy shouldn't say it.

 _"Well, well. Thanks again."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"For waring us."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Let's go Hajime."_ said both.

They pushed him, Hajime looked like he didn't want to go to librarly. He looked so down, just like that day. And Ushijima suddenly remember that day. That day Oikawa was with his girlfriend as well. They were flirting and kissing at a corner of compus. Ushijima saw them even if he didn't want to. Since he start Uni, he saw and heared alot things he didn't want to. Then Ushijima understand. Ushijima understand why Oikawa didn't go to the same Uni as him although he wanted so much. He understand the reason of that look on Hajime's face. He understand they looked so close yet so far.

But he didn't like the fact he just figure out. He didn't like the fact that Iwaizumi and Oikawa is in love with each other. He was so bothered with this fact.

And with his bothered feeling and angry. He didn't even know why he was angry. He shouldn't be angry. Why would he angry? Whoever Iwaizumi loves is not his businesses. He doesn't care if there is someone Iwaizumi loves. He can't be angry at the fact that the person loves is not him. They don't even know each other. They didn't have a conversation before. It's doesn't even makes sense.

So he didn't even realize when he graped Hajime hand and take him away from here. Hosenlty he didn't know what he were doing but he didn't want to Hajime to see Oikawa. Not now, not with this kind of look on his face. And Hajime didn't shake his hand as well, he probably don't want to see Oikawa with this kind of mood and look.  
Matsukawa and Hanamaki was suprised but they didn't stop him, they probably know the turth. Somehow everyone was on his side. Everything goes well for him...

 _"W_ _hat are you doing?"_ asked Hajime .

 _"I don't know."_ wanted give him a honest answer.

 _"Where are you taking me, big guy?""_ asked Hajime.

Of course he's going to ask all those questions. Wakatoshi Ushijima taking Hajime Iwaizumi away is weird. Wakatoshi not letting Hajime to see Oikawa is weird. Like who's he?

 _"I don't know."_ said Wakatoshi. He doesn't have answers for those questions. Not yet.

Hajime let go off Ushijima's hand and pushed him away.

_"Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with you. And I don't want to know. But if it's about Toor-"_

_"IT's not about him."_ said Ushijima.

Hearing Oikawa's name form Hajime's lips was almost painful. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear it at all.

Hajime looked shocked he didn't expect to Ushijima raise his voice.

_"Can we go to somewhere?"_

_"And drink some things?"_

_"There is a nearby cafe."_

_"They make delicious sweets and coffee."_ asked Ushijima..

Hajime looked confused, he absolutely had no idea why Ushijima doing this.

_"Okay." said Hajime._

He only agreed because he didn't want to go back and watch Oikawa and his girlfriend. But for now it's enough. It's enough because _**it's only beginning.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry while writing first chapter I didn't really care about timeline so it's a little messed up.
> 
> And I will focus on making a love triangle and relationship between Iwaizumi and Ushijima in the next chapter. Hopefully. 
> 
> Lastly if I again use some words way too much I'm sorry.


	3. If it's not him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bad day and A blessed day.

Ushijima looked at Hajime's face. He wanted to see an expression, he wanted to see an expression that he could understand what Hajime was thinking. But there was no expression on his face. He wasn't thinking or feeling anything about this. He didn't care where is he going or with whom he is going. He just wanted to escape, run away, not to face the reality that hurts him so much. He just wanted to have a reason to not to see the man he loves with someone else, not to see the man he loves touching someone else and Ushijima give him a reason, give him a space to escape, give him a hand to run away with him. And Ushijima will do anything he wants, anything he needs and doesn't have to say them loud. Ushijima will do anything to bring a smile on Hajime's face. He wants to see his smile. He needs to see Hajime's smiling face.

_\--------------_

Matsukawa and Hanamaki was speechless, not even in million years they would think they could see such a scene. Ushijima Wakatoshi grabbing Iwaizumi Hajime's hand and running away with him.

The end of the world is near. Matsukawa thought but didn't said loud.

_"What was that?"_

_"What the hell just happen?"_ asked Matsukawa.

 _"I have no idea."_ said Hanamaki. He actullay did have an idea but it's too impossible to happen. Too weird to say loud.

 _"Well, are we going to say this to Oikawa?"_ asked Matsukawa.

_"I--I don't know?"_

_"Stop asking me questions."_

_"If he's in a good mood we'll tell if he isn't..."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"We won't open our mouth."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"Right!!"_ said Hanamaki.

\--------------

  
When they go to the library and see Oikawa, he was having a big fight with his girfriend. He was try to make her calm dowm and remind her it's not a right place to fight or talk with such a loud voice. But she wasn't listen to him, she was so mad for some reasons. "God knows, what did he do this time." Hanamaki thought. It was not possible for Tooru to have a serious relationship and he always says when someone confesses to him, he warns them about how he doesn't want a serious relationship, how it's impossible for him to fall in love before he say yes but they still wants him. They probably think they would change him, they probably think it would be different with them. although Oikawa never loved any of his girlfriend like she wanted in the end no one of his girlfriend end up hating him or even say single bad word about him because they know Oikawa did care about them and try to his best to love them. That bastard. Only if he wasn't a that good guy. Or just run after his true love then nobody would get hurt.....

His girlfriend was finally clamming down, the library was empty so nobody hear their fight but Oikawa seemed like he was mad at her. They wondered what was that fight about.

Hanamaki coughed a few time. He wanted they to notice them anymore...

 _"Ohhh....Since when you guys are over there?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"Not enough."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Where is Iwa-chan?"_ Oikawa stood up and hugged them. He did miss his friends alot, he has a few friends in uni but they are not the same. Can't be the same.

 _"Hmm..Well..He is--"_ Matsukawa wanted to say something but he wasn't sure. He didn't know what to say..

 _"He did come right?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"Yes, yes, he did come but..."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"Someone grabbed his hand and run away with him."_ said Hanamaki. The only reason he said that was because he wanted to see Oikawa's reaction so bad, he didn't think about what he would do after saying this.

Matsukawa was asking Hanamaki "what the hell are you doing?" with his eyes.

Hanamaki wanted to tease Oikawa about Hajime infort of his girlfriend after they just had a fight. He was play with fire.

_\--------------_

Oikawa was 12 when he start to realize his "like" for Iwaizumi was different than he had for others. There was alot different like, the like he had for his father, his mother, his big sister, his family members, his friends, they all were different likes and the like he had for Iwa-chan was different than all those.

_\--------------_

Oikawa was 14 when he had his very first wet dream and it was about Iwa-chan, he was touching him, kissing him, embracing him. And after that Oikawa couldn't sleep well for days, he couldn't look at Hajime's eyes or face for days. He was terrified, it was so wrong to think Hajime like that kind of way. It was so disgusting to look his best friend with that kind of eyes. It was so sinful to want another boy that kind of way. He was so scraed, he didn't know what he should do about it. How to stop those feels, those thoughts. He could not talk about that with anyone. He could not say he see his childhood friend which is also a boy see like boy-girl way. He could not say that loud. He was all alone.

And Oikawa start to go out with a girl that confessed to him a few time at the end of that week...

_\--------------_

Oikawa was 15 when he kissed Iwaizumi while he fall asleep on Oikawa's bed. It was an ordinary day, as usual Hajime come to Oikawa's house for do homeworks and maybe play a video game a little, after training but Hajime fall asleep right after they done with homework. Hajime already looked really tried after tarining because he worn himself, Oikawa wasn't sure why but since they start to go to high school Hajime start to try to make himself busy, busy with volleyball and homeworks. Hajime was always a hard worker but it was different, he was making himself busy on purpose and Oikawa can't bring himself to ask why, ask did something happened. For some reason that even himself doesn't understand he can't ask why.

Then he looked his sleeping face. His sleeping face wasn't cute or admirable, just a sleeping face that didn't change that since Oikawa saw the first time at kindergarten in the sleeping time. An innocent sleeping. Then he thought what Hajime dreaming about. Who Hajime dreaming about. They talk about literally everything but not about love. In fact Hajime never told Oikawa he's ever liked anyone. Oikawa did talk about his girlfriends with Hajime but Iwa-chan never did. Well he doesn't have to say it loud though because Oikawa has been watching Iwaizumi for a long time, he knows the fact that Hajime never fall in love, he never even liked anyone, he never kissed anyone.

But someday he will. Someday his Iwa-chan will like someone, will fall in love with someone, will kiss someone. And when that comes he will have to support him, he will have to support them, he will have to watch them, watch that person touch his Iwa-chan, watch that person kiss his Iwa-chan, watch that person become his Iwa-chan's number 1, watch that person have a bigger place in his Iwa-chan.

Even thinking about that days was unbearable and painful. Oikawa wanted to be that person. Oikawa wanted to be that person no matter how is it disgusting and sinful. He wanted to be with his Iwa-chan. He didn't want to anyone but him to touch his Iwa-chan.

He wanted to touch his cheek but he couldn't. He couldn't because he's afraid. He's afraid because he may can't stop himself and if he can't stop himself, he would lose everything.

Then Hajime made some noises, he was sleep talking but Oikawa couldn't hear him, slightly bent down, he didn't want to wake Iwaizumi, he was so close to him, with a just a small move and he could able to touch him, he looked his lips. He wanted to touch them, bite them, kiss them. Oikawa wanted to steal a kiss from Hajime. A kiss that will be his first, a kiss that he will never know. And the person who just a few second ago was afraid to touch Hajime's cheek is at the moment touching his lips with his.

And Hajime opening his eyes after split-second Oikawa steal a kiss from him, give him an almost heart attack. He thought he's dying. He thought it's his punishment for what he just did but what he's afraid didn't happen, Hajime didn't realize anything. Hajime didn't know Oikawa steal his first kiss from him.

And Oikawa dated another girl at the end of that week. 

_\--------------_

Ushijima start to walk and Hajime was following him behind. There was a distance between. Both abstract and concrete. A small and a big one. With a small step he would talk next to him, with a small step he would hold his hand one more time but if he does make that step he's afraid he would be last one as well. It's still too soon for that move, for him, for Hajime, for both of them. Ushijima still not sure about his feeling, he sure have a weakness for Hajime but he doesn't know if it's because he is feels sorry for him, because he wants to help him. He still not sure and until he's sure, he can't make such a big moves.

Well although he said he can't make big moves, grabbing his hand and taking Hajime with him infort of his friends is pretty a daring move.

When they come to cafe Ushijima talked before, Hajime chose a table that in the corner, away from other people. Nobody would notice them, nobody would see them. Hajime didn't want to be seen, Hajime didn't want to be exist at that moment. Ushijima could see that in Hajime's eyes. The love Hajime has for Tooru is bigger than Ushijima thought and probably Oikawa doesn't know how much Iwaizumi loves him as well. But it was good for him, good for Ushijima, having a painful unrequited love as rival was easir than an actual person. Ushijima has hope. He is still not sure about his feeling but the thing he's sure about is doesn't want to let go of that hand he could once.

Ushijima ordered tea and chocolate walnut muffins and Hajime ordered a black coffee. Until their orders come, they both didn't said anything, Hajime didn't even look at Ushijima, but that silence was somehow relaxing. Hajime sniffed his hot black coffee and poured alot of sugar, it didn't mix with his image and Ushijima remember that once Oikawa said Hajime is alot different than he looks. Well he was a little bothered but he was right. Iwaizumi Hajime was different than he looks, he hides actual himself in a shell and only shows to people who he trusts and Ushijima wants to be one of those people. Ushijima wants to know more about him.

Hajime quickly finished his coffee but he didn't try to be quick, Ushijima knows it because Hajime wait until Ushijima to eat his muffins and drink his tea and he did eat them very slowly to spend more time with Hajime although he didn't even said a word all that time when Ushijma finally eat them, Hajime look at his watch and stood up, he probably will go to see Oikawa and his friends. He will go to Oikawa's side.

"Thank you." said Hajime with a gentle smile. He was really thankful.

Ushijima wanted to say something, say it's a pleasure for him, say he would like to meet again, even ask his number but he couldn't. He only watched Hajime to walk away. He couldn't open his mouth he was too shocked. He was too shocked because he didn't expect to see such a gentle look on Hajime's face. He didn't expect to Hajime to show him such a gentle smile. "What a great day." Ushijima thought. He didn't only see Hajime's gentle smile but learn how he drinks his coffee. He learned something about him. 

_\--------------_

**_To: Makki_ **

_Are you two still with Shittykawa?_

**_From: Makki_ **

_Yes._

**_To: Makki_ **

_Should I come?_

**_From: Makki_ **

_Up to you._

**_From: Makki_ **

_But Oikawa and his gf had such a lame fight a while ago_

**_From: Makki_ **

_It's probably about you._

**_To: Makki_ **

_Tell him. I'm sorry but I can't make it._

**_From: Makki_ **

_Sure._

**_From: Makki_ **

_Well, put it aside for a minute and tell me what happened with Ushiwaka?_

**_To: Makki_ **

_Nothing._

**_To: Makki_ **

_Nothing important._

**_To: Makki_ **

_See you at home._

**_From: Makki_ **

_Yes, yes. See you at home._

_\--------------_

_"Was it from Iwa-chan?"_ asked Oikawa.

His girlfriend was bothered to hear Iwaizumi name. God it was awfully obvious that she was jealous and Oikawa didn't care about at all. Since Hanamaki said Ushijima took Hajime with him, Oikawa asked them to call or text Hajime for like million times.

_"Yes."_

_"It was him."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"When is he coming?"_ asked Oikawa.

His girlfriend was getting even more angry. After that another fight is coming. And probably bigger than they saw at the library.

 _"He said;_ _He's sorry but can't made it for today."_ said Hanamaki. For some reasons he was exctied to see Oikawa's reaction.

_"What?"_

_"What the hell does this mean?"_

_"Why he can't make it?"_

_"Did something bad happened?"_ asked Oikawa. He was fussy. He was lost.

Ugh what a precious reaction. Hanamaki thought. Honestly although he was so close then, he didn't understand why they're still not together when they're that in love with each other when Oikawa loves Hajime that much. Still don't understand why Oikawa refused Iwaizumi. Honestly if Matsukawa did the same thing Hanamaki would beat the shit out of him and still don't understand why Hajime didn't do it, why he didn't beat the shit out of Oikawa. Why did he just agreed quietly.

And until he understand he will tease him. He will tease Hajime. He will tease them. Until they put it an actual end or start an actual beginning.

 _"I don't know. He didn't said anything else."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Show me messages."_ said Oikawa.

He's taking it too far.

 _"I won't do that Oikawa."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Why? Are you hidding something?"_ asked Oikawa. He was being paranoid. It's not like him but since they didn't see each other for like a week and Hajime didn't call or text him within that week. He was being paranoid. He was thinking Hajime runs away from him. He was thinking Hajime was putting a distance between them and it's correct.

 _"Oikawa!!"_ said Hanamki.

 _"SHOW me."_ said Oikawa.

He made a move to grab Hanamaki's phone.

 _"ST--"_   Matsukawa wanted to stop him but before he had a chance Oikawa's girlfriend blow up.

_"STOP IT OIKAWA!!!!!"_

_"JUST WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"_

_"HE WON'T COME."_

_"HE DOESN'T WANT TO COME."_

_"HE DOESN'T WANT TO SEE YOU."_

_"HE WANTS TO BE AWAY FROM YOU."_

_"IT'S PAINFUL FOR HIM."_

_"IT'S PAINFUL FOR HIM, FOR ME, FOR YOU."_

_"JUST WHY CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?"_

_"WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LOOK AT ME?"_

_"YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU RIGHT?"_

_"AND I KNOW YOU LOVE ME"_

_"ALTOUGH IT'S SUCH A SMALL PART OF YOUR HEART"_

_"YOU DO LOVE ME."_

_"I CAN FEEL IT."_

_"I BEG YOU TOORU JUST GIVE US A CHANCE"_

_"GIVE US A CHANCE TO BE HAPPY"_. said Yukie Misaki. Oikawa's girlfriend.

_\--------------_

Yukie Misaki such a beautiful and smart girl. She has long black hair and shining brown eyes. She had a few the same class with Oikawa, that was how they meet, although she didn't think Oikawa was her type at the first, in a short time Oikawa's well-know charm worked on her as well but his charm wasn's the reason that she fall for him, she didn't fall for his look, his appearance but for his personality, Oikawa Tooru was such a carring, gentle and strong person and she was lucky enough to see that. He wasn't just a pretty face but a good person. Yes he was a little annoying but hey, everyone has some flaws.

She watched Oikawa from away before had a real conversation. She doesn't proud of that. It's a dark part of her past that she will never tell anyone. She will take it to her grave. But she wanted to know him, what other people see in him, yes he's such a beauty and attractive when he's on the court. But what's so speacial about him, she wanted to see it but couldn't bring herself to talk with him. He was so close but too far at the same time. So when Oikawa actullay talked with her, she didn't know what to do, what to say. She was embarrassed, she even couldn't put two words together. That moment was one of moments that she wanted forget but when they got close after that, she was thanful, she treasure that moment. She finally could get him well, she finally could see different facial expressions of him, finally could see more of him.

When she confessed to him, she didn't think he would actullay accpet her, not only because they know each other for such a short time but he was so pouplar and had around him more beautiful and smart girls. She was so happy, she felt so special but when Oikawa said "I can't fall in love with you." "There is someone I love dearly." "I can never forget about that person." "I don't want to forget about that person." she thought she made one of biggest mistake of her life cause there was no return, no matter what she still wants to be him. No matter what. She tought but she never actullay thought it would be that painful. It would be that hard. The person she loves was in love with someone else. In love with his best friend. In love with another guy. At the first she thought if she loves him so much, if she shows him much she loves him. She would have a chance. But when she realize that person was Iwaizumi Hajime. She knew it, she knew it she's lost. She lost before she had a chance to win. How foolish.

But the thing about her is she doesn't know how to give up, how to let it go. She wanted to continue this relationship. She was perfectly aware of the fact that this will end painful but she can't help it, she never give up before and didn't want to learn.

_\--------------_

She was barely hold her tears. She was looking at Oikawa. Looking for a sign from him. A word from him. Anything from him.

_"O-Only if I never meet with him."_ said Oikawa.

Oikawa said that but he could not imagine a life without Hajime.

He wouldn't want to live a life that Hajime is not in it.

A life without him would be pointless.

_"Maybe then..."_

_"Maybe then...We could have a chance."_ said Oikawa.

Oikawa take a deep breathe. Wanted to find some words that won't hurt her. Wanted to find a way that won't hurt her.

_"I'm sorry. I, really, am."_

_"I never want to hurt you."_

_"I try my best to love you."_

_"I swear. I did."_

She knows, she knows he did but that wasn't make it any better. That wasn't make anything less painful. On the contrary, knowing that fact he tried his best but still could not love her was even more painful.

But he didn't notice it.

_"But it just doesn't work."_

_"If it's not him."_

_"It's doesn't work"._ said Oikawa. He could not look at her face.

She looked Oikawa, with pitying eyes. She was pitying him. She always thought Oikawa was such a strong person but when it's about Iwaizumi, he is weak, he is broke, as if he is nothing without him he doesn't know what to do. And it's probably why he's scared to be with him. Oikawa probably wanted to learn how to be strong without Iwaizumi. He was always there for him. He was there when Oikawa fall, when Oikawa was hurt, when Oikawa was almost give up. So he wanted stand up by himself. Without Iwaizumi's help. And when he does, then that time will their time. That's probably what Oikawa thought. How idotic.

She got mad herself for wasting her precious time for that brat.

She slapped him as hard as she could.

_"I won't pray for your happiness..."_

_"But you should try it before it's too late."_ said Yukie Misaki

He was still a brat, he was lost, he was scared, too scared.

She grabbed her bag and was about to walk out. Walk out and leave him behind.

It was time to learn how to give up.

 _"You were more than I deserved."_ said Oikawa.

 _"True."_ said Yukie Misaki.

 _"I know."_ said Oikawa.

 _"And probably so is Iwaizumi."_ said Yukie Misaki.

Said on purpose. Wanted to hurt him. Wanted to see a hurt expression on his face. Maybe she also was a brat.

 _"I know."_ said Oikawa. With a painful smile on his face.

But somehow it wasn't what she wished. How annyoing when it comes to that man she can't win.

_\--------------_

When Yukie left, Oikawa made Matsukawa and Hanamaki go away as well. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to think. He wanted to face things that he has been running away. He can't run away anymore. He can't hide anymore. He can't ignore anymore.

"What a bad day." Oikawa thought.

_\--------------_

Ushijima go back to Uni after Hajime left, he had something things to do. And then he saw Matsukawa and Hanamaki walking on campus. They both looked bothered with something but he didn't care to ask. After all it was no one of his business. But it was a golden opportunity he could not let go.

Ushijima grabbed Matsukawa's arm to stop him. He winced, didn't expect it at all.

 _"I-I..I'm sorry but can I ask something?"_ asked Ushijima.

Matsukawa pushed him away with a little force.

 _"Is that a habit for you?"_ asked Matsukawa.

Ushijima's face turned red. He didn't even think twice. Lately he doesn't think twice before he does something.

 _"N--No."_ said Ushijima. He regret. He regreted for stopping them.

Hanamaki giggled.

_"Calm down."_

_"He wasn't serious."_

_"Maybe just a little curious."_ said Hanamaki.

Those two. Usjima thought.

 _"Do you need something?"_ asked Matsukawa.

they both were looking at Ushijima with such curious eyes. Then Ushijima thought what kind of expression would they make if they know what Ushijima planning to do.

 _"Yes. Yes, I do."_ said Ushijima.

"What a blessed day." Ushijima thought.

_\--------------_

**_To: Hajime._ **

_I want to you see again._

_Ushijima Wakatoshi._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't how I planned chapter 3 but end up like that.


	4. love loves coincidences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I really have a chance." Ushijima thought.

When Iwaizumi got a notification, he didn't even bother to look at it, he thought it was Oikawa, he thought it's Oikawa complain about him not going to see him but after a few hours he take his phone to call Matsukawa and ask if he's coming home late, see a message from a number that he doesn't know so of course he immediately open the message.

**_From: 56xx98xx_ **

_I want to you see again._

_Ushijima Wakatoshi._

Honestly when Iwaizumi see the message he thought it was an advertisement or something like that. Not even a million years he would thought he could get a message from Ushijima Wakatoshi.

"I didn't even give him my number. Where the hell he got it from? How did he got it?" Iwaizumi thought.

But thinking options and knowing his friends. Iwaizumi probably who did give Ushijima his number. It can't be anyone else than Hanamaki Takahiro and Iwaizumi could guess why Makki did it.

Ushijima Wakatoshi asking Hajime's phone number was something really interesting and Makki probably want to see what will after he give Ushijima his number. Hajime can't say he wouldn't the same thing. So he doesn't blame him or mad at him.

The thing Iwaizumi can't understand is why Ushijima asked his number? Why he wanted to see Iwaizumi again? Is he planning something? Is it about Oikawa? Should be about Oikawa, cause they don't have talk about anything other than Oikawa. They have no common points other Oikawa. Not even volleyball, only Oikawa and nothing else.

That's why Iwaizumi actually want to reply to that message, agree see him again, once more....But then what?

Will they become friends? Will they become enemies? Will they become rivals? What if Ushijima says something that Iwaizumi doesn't want to hear? Doesn't want to know?

Iwaizumi always thought Ushijima had a thing for Oikawa. A weakness for Oikawa. What if he says he's in love with Oikawa. Then what will Iwaizumi do? Maybe Oikawa still doesn't like Ushijima, maybe he still doesn't even see him as his friend or a real team mate but it's for now. They see each other every fucking day. They training together, Ushijima is the one who next to Oikawa when Oikawa is troubled, when Oikawa fall, when Oikawa need someone, Ushijima is the one who closer to Oikawa anymore. Just like some time ago Iwaizumi was. Iwaizumi was the person next to Oikawa for a long time but because of Iwaizumi couldn't keep his love to himself he lost that place and now there is someone is wanting that place? someone is fighting for that place? Iwaizumi doesn't even want to this happen. Not now. Not now because he is not Oikawa's side to project that place.

No matter how many girls Oikawa dated, Iwaizumi was pretty sure about there is a place, a big place in Oikawa's heart for him, only for him. And nobody could steal it, take it.

"But if it's Ushijima. If it's someone like Ushijima who would give Oikawa strength and power Oikawa needs. If it's someone like Ushijima he's no match." What Iwaizumi thought.

That's why Iwaizumi Hajime will see Ushijima Wakatoshi as potential rival. That's why Iwaizumi Hajime won't reply to Ushijima Wakatoshi. Won't see him again.

                                                                                                          ------------------

  
Then Iwaizumi got another notification, once again he thought it was from Oikawa but once again it wasn't.

**From: Mattsun**

_I'm with Makki._

_We will be late for tonight._

_Don't wait for us._

_See you later._

  
Iwaizumi sighed. That message means he will alone all night. There won't be anyone to talk. Talk and made Iwaizumi not think about things he's running, he's even afraid think cause he feels like even simply thinking about them will make them real, will make them happen. He's all alone when he didn't want to be. How unlucky.

Unlucky how he didn't get not even a single message from Oikawa, when he wanted to the most, when he look for it the most. Silence was killing him, break him.

He wanted to see Oikawa. He wanted to hear Oikawa's voice. He wanted to feel Oikawa's warmth.

If he goes now, he could make it for the last train. Thankfully, Oikawa's house wasn't far away from their. It only takes a train and a few second. Not for away at all. He  
actullay could go to see him everyday.

But he could not. He doesn't know what he should say if he goes. How to act if Oikawa rejects him again. Iwaizumi not sure if he could handle if Oikawa rejects him again.

May they don't live so close like before, may they don't go to the same school like before may they have a different home, new friends that they don't know, new goals, may be there is a distance between them. But that distance is not enough to make them keep away, not enough to separate them.

That's what Iwaizumi wanted to believe.

                                                                                                          ------------------

May they don't live so close like before, may they don't go to the same school like before may they have a different home, new friends that they don't know, new goals, may be there is a distance between them. But that distance is not enough to make them keep away, not enough to separate them.

Then he texted. Could be the first time he did texted him before Oikawa did.

_**To: Trashkawa.** _

_I'm sorry for today._

_Some things happened and I couldn't come._

_But make it up for it._

Hajime waited a few hour for a reply but got nothing.

**_To: Trashkawa._ **

_Well, later._

A smiple text. Without putting on it his real feelings. Without saying his real thoughts.

_**To: Trashkawa.** _

_"I miss you, idiot."_ Iwaizumi wanted to send it but he wasn't brave enough.

In the end Iwaizumi didn't get a reply from Oikawa.  
  
He spend his night all alone. He go to his bed all alone and it was so damn cold.

                                                                                                           ------------------

**_From: Iwa-chan._ **

_I'm sorry for today._

_Some things happened and I couldn't come._

_But make it up for it._

"Lies." Oikawa thought.

If he really was sorry, he would come.

If he really wanted to come, he would. Oikawa thought.

But after all it was a good thing that Iwaizumi didn't come, If he did come, probably things would be even more complicated, turn into something messy.

For the first Oikawa didn't reply to Iwa-chan's text not because he didn't want to but because he didn't know what to say, he didn't know which words would make everything okay. Oikawa didn't know anything.

  
**_From: Iwa-chan._ **

_Well, later._

So there will be a "later." Oikawa thought. Wasn't even sure about it

                                                                                                          ------------------

Ushijima waited for a reply form Iwaizumi for days. Like an idiot he kept check his phone. But he didn't get anything. He actullay would be even okay with an angry text. He would be okay with Iwaizumi getting angry with him. Cause that would be mean Ushijima could make Iwaiumi feel something. But he was completely ingoring him and it was so painful.

_"Ushikawa?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"Yes?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"Are you...Okay?"_ asked Oikawa.

It was a first. It was the first time Oikawa showed an interest.

 _"Hmmm, yes? Thanks."_ said Ushijima. He was happy to get along with Oikawa. Altough Oikawa was something he would call love rival, he was also his team mate and Ushijima wanted to get along for sake of team. As well as for his own good.

 _"Good."_ Oikawa pat Ushijima's back with a little force.

_"Don't get me worng."_

_"You wasn't like your usual self those days."_

_"It's not like we're not becoming friends or anything."_

" _Plus if it keep going like that. YOU will become useless for team_." said Oikawa.

He was pleased to have this conversation with Ushijima. Somehow Oikawa always wish to have a conversation with him like that. Ushijima could see it in Oikawa's eyes. What a great disappointment. Just when Ushijima thought they could friends.

" _Understand_." said Ushijima. With a dull voice. If Oikawa doesn't want to be friends, then Ushijima won't try anymore.

He will spend all this energy for volleyball and get close with Iwaizumi and probably it's the best.

_"By the way, when you're free can we talk about what happened between you and Iwa-chan?"_

_"Why do you want to see him again?"_

_"Why that day you took him with you?"_ asked Oikawa.

Oikawa had a gentle smile on his face. A fake gentle smile. A scary gentle smile.

_"It's none of your business"_

_"But since you're asking gently."_

_"I will tell you."_

_"Nothing happened."_

_"He looked like he wanted to go away."_

_"He looked like didn't want to see someone."_

_"And I helped him."_

_"So, there is actually nothing to talk about."_

_"But if you don't believe me."_

_"Ask Iwaizumi."_ said Ushijima. With a straight. It wasn't a like though. Nothing did happen. But probably because of the voice tone, Oikawa did somethings wrong. But he doesn't care what Oikawa think. Oikawa may has a really scary smile but Ushijima doesn't afraid. Not even a little bit.

                                                                                                          ------------------

_ "Well, I do." _

_"I do believe you."_

_"Since I know Iwa-chan. And I know how much he dislike you."_

_"He probably didn't even say any word to you."_

_"I hope he wasn't mean to you."_

_"Iwa-chan is no good with strangers."_ said Oikawa. With that fake gentle smile.

How lame. Ushijima thought, Oikawa could do it better than that. He didn't expect to  
Oikawa to be that immature. But if he wants to play like that, Ushijima won't be stepping back.

_"No, it's okay."_

_"It was a good day."_

_"Yes, he was quiet. "_

_"But at least I could see his smile."_

_"You was right about it."_

_"He seems like another person when he smiles."_

_"He has the kind of smile that makes you smile too."_

_"Makes you happy."_

_"I felt really blessed to see his smile."_ said Ushijima. Looked his watch.

_"I'm sorry but I need to go."_

_"I have a date."_

_"Oh and I promise, I won't any mistake."_

_"So don't worry for team's sake._ " said Ushijima.

                                                                                                          ------------------

_"Who do you think you are?"_

_"Talking all big."_

_"Asshole."_   yelled Oikawa while walking on campus, he was making a scene and some people were looking at him but he was angry. He was angry at Ushijima. He was angry at Iwaizumi. He was angry at himself.

                                                                                                          ------------------

**_ To: Matsukawa. _ **

_are you guys at uni?_

**_From: Matsukawa_ **

_No, I'm at home._

_Hanamaki is at work._

_Idk where is Iwaizumi._

_Something happened?_

**_To: Matsukawa._ **

_No, I just...._

_I just wanted to see you guys._

**_From: Matsukawa._ **

_Correction; You just wanted to see Iwaizumi._

**_To: Matsukawa_ **

_How?_

_How is he?_

**_From: Matsukawa._ **

_Ask yourself._

**_From Matsukawa._ **

_Or don't because he's really mad at you._

_"Mad? Iwa-chan is mad at me? Why? Why did I do?" Oikawa thought._

**_To: Matsukawa_ **

_MAD? WHY?_

**_From: Matsukawa_ **

_Haha YOU're asking me?_

_Pathetic._

_But I don't know._

_He doesn't talk about it._

_Think what did you do._

**_To: Matsukawa._ **

_Even if I think, nothing comes to my mind._

_I absolutely did nothing._

**_From: Matsukawa._ **

_Maybe he's mad because of that._

_Maybe he's mad because you did nothing?_

Oikawa didn't reply to Matsukawa's text. He doesn't know how to answer it cause he's right. Iwaizumi could be mad because Oikawa did nothing, does nothing. He didn't even reply to any of Iwaizumi's text, only called him once so he won't worry about him.

All this time, Oikawa leave thing as they are didn't do even a single thing to change something. But now it's time to change or he will lose something that dears to him

                                                                                                          ------------------

Ushijima date was with his little sister, they was supposed go shopping and look for her a dress that she will wear on her dance course but she suddenly got sick and now Ushijima need to go by himself, look some dresses, send a picture of them to his sister. Hosently Ushijima didn't want to do it but his sister was so excited about that dance course and he loves his little sister so much, he could not say "no."

After visiting 1394 different boutique and send 12344 different picture of dresses, his sister finally like it a dress and he immediately bought the dress before his sister change her mind. He could not guess finding a good dress would be that hard. He was lifeless. He was totally done. He was as if he was beaten, he doesn't even use that much energy on the court.

Then he saw Iwaizumi. They were at the same boutique.

"What a great coincidence." Ushijima thought.

  
_"Iwaizumi?"_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi shocked to see Ushijima. As expected. Ushijima could tell Iwaizumi didn't like see Ushijima's face. As expected.

 _"Ushijima?"_ said Iwaizumi.

" _What a coincidence, right?"_ said Ushijima. With a sweet smile, may that smile could annoy him but he could not stop his smile.

 _"Yes, yes. What a coincidence."_ said Iwaizumi. His voice was polite but his face expression was like "don't talk to me." "leave me alone." "why are even trying?"

_"Are you free?"_

_"I mean, I'm not sure but if you remember I said I want to you again."_

_"I have somethings to say."_

_"Can you spare some time for me?"_ asked Ushijima. No matter how rude is Iwaizumi's face expression, Ushijima won't give up.

" _Well, I'm..."_

_"I'm with my older sister right now."_

_"He wanted to buy some new clothes because she gaining weight like crazy."_

_"Plus she's pregnant."_

_"And that's actullay why she's gaining weight like crazy though."_

_"Normally she doesn't eat much, mom always were complain about how she eat little but now she complains about she eats too much."_

_"But you don't need to know that."_

_"So never mind."_

_"But you see, I should be with her."_

_"Maybe, later?"_ said Iwaizumi. Somehow he seemed like ashamed.

 _"Thank god, you finally shut up."_ said a beautiful woman, in the middle of 20s. She alot looks like Iwaizumi, they have the same hair color and the same eyes and nose figure, they almost have the same height as well. And altough Iwaizumi said she gained weight like crazy, it didn't seem so.

_"Hi, I'm Iwaizumi Mai."_

_"That idiot's older sister."_

_"Nice to meet with you."_ said Iwaizumi Mai unlike Hajime she seems like have a a cheerful personality.

_"Hi, I'm Ushijima Wakatoshi."_

_"Nice to meet you."_ said Ushijima. He was glad to meet with a member of Hajime's family.

_"Ushijima Wakatoshi, huh?"_

_"I hear your name alot."_

_"Not good things, I have to mention."_

_"From Tooru, I have to mention_."

 _"What do you want to talk about with my idiot brother?"_ said Mai. She raised one of her eyebrows.

"Uhmm, I..I-" Ushijima could not say anthing.

_"Hahaha."_

_"Don'r be nervous."_

_"Calm down."_  
  
_"I don't mind it. You can do whatever you want with that idoit..."_

_"Mother is coming and when she does, that idiot will be useless to me."_

_"So you can take him with you."_ said Mai.

Hajime sighed.

_"You're really greatfull older sister."_

_" Brother in law is so lucky."_ said Iwaizumi.

When he said brother in law, Mai made a bothered face.

_"Tell me something I don't know."_

_"Brat."_ said Mai.

"Perfect siblings." Ushijima thought. Didn't mean it in a sarcastic way.

They may rude to each other but their bond is strong. So strong you could easily see it.

 _"We're going?"_ asked Ushijima. He wanted to confirm.

 _"Seems like we're."_ said Iwaizumi. He didn't want to come but didn't have any excuse.

_"Ushijima."_

_"Thank you."_

_"Thank you for not saying anything about my last name."_ said Mai before Ushijima and Hajime left.

                                                                                                          ------------------

At first Ushijima didn't understand what Mai did mean. Then he realized she said Iwaizumi Mai. That means she's not married. She's not married but pregnant. May it's a different time, a different period but some opinions doesn't change with time.

_"You didn't realize, right?"_

_"I mean her surname."_ said Hajime.

 _"Yes, I didn't."_ said Ushijima. No need to lie about. He was too happy because he saw Hajime. He was too happy because he meet with someone from his family and he didn't notice it.

_"I won't say to her that you didn't."_

_"Since it made her happy."_ said Hajime.

 _"Can I ask something?"_ asked Ushijima. Wasn't sure if he should ask though

 _"So you're curious about it after all?"_ asked Hajime.

 _"Only if it's not too personal."_ said Ushijima.

_"It's not personal at all."_

_"Everyone knows."_

_"Well, his fiancee is a captain and won't be coming back until 6 month."_

_"And that mean he will be in town after baby is born and she is bothered about it."_

_"She wanted to get married before he left but he didn't."_

_"They had a big fight about it."_

_"In fact they are still not talking."_

_"He calls time to time and ask her pregnancy and health."_

_"And you know society."_

_"The way some people look at her, makes her even more mad."_

_"I'm afraid they could not fix things."_ said Hajime.

Ushijima surprised at the fact Hajime tell to me something about his family. He was happy at the fact that Hajime let Ushijima know something about himself. Ushijima felt like he got a little close to Hajime.

_"Think positive."_

_"She seems like a strong person."_

_"Plus she is cheerful."_ said Ushijima. He wanted to comfort him.

_"Yes, she is in a better mood lately."_

_"But to be honest it's all thanks to Oikawa."_

_"If he wasn't around, she wouldn't be that cheerful."_ said Hajime.

Again Oikawa.

 _"Then you all luck because he's around."_ said Ushijima. Didn't mean it. Didn't mean it all.

 _"Yes, we're."_ said Hajime. His thankful face was saying it.

It was saying ugly reality Ushijima has to face. For Iwaizumi Hajime there won't be anyone more special or close than Oikawa Tooru.

_"By the way."_

_"The thing you want to talk about."_

_"Is it about Oikawa?"_ asked Hajime.

Again Oikawa. Always Oikawa.

 _"Why do you think so?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"I don't know what else it could be."_ said Hajime.

Of course, what else it could be.

Their only common point is Oikawa Tooru.

Only Oikawa Tooru.

_"No!"_

_"It's not about Oikawa."_ said Ushijima. He take a deep breath to control his feelings, his anger.

"It's about you."

"It's about me." Ushijima wanted to say loud but could not.

 _"Can we go somewhere? Like we can be alone?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"Fine."_ said Hajime.

                                                                                                          ------------------

Ushijima and Hajime go to a coffee that a nearby cafe. Weather neither too hot nor too cold, a perfect weather for being outside so they choose a table that outside. They both ordered ice tea.

_"I'm listening to you."_ said Hajime. He was really listening him, he was paying all attention to Ushijima.

Somehow it made Ushijima nervous.

 _"It's about you and me."_ said Ushijima.

 _"You and me?"_ asked Hajime. He didn't understand anything.

_"Yes."_

_"Look I know"_

_"We don't know each other."_

_"I'm aware the fact that you don't like me."_

_"But since the day I see you on campus."_

_"I could not get you off my mind."_

_"Since that day I keep think about you."_

_"I know you're shocked to hear it...." Ushijima wanted to continue talk about Hajime stopped him._

_"Shocked? It's doesn't define my feeling right now."_

_"It's not kind of prank, right?"_

_"I don't know maybe it would be better if it was prank though."_

_"Cause you and me...?"_

_"I can not even imagine."_

_"I even could imagine you with Oikawa."_

_"But not with me."_ said Hajime.

 _"And I could not imagine myself anyone but you."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi laughed.

_"All this time, I thought you had a thing for Oikawa."_

_"All this time, I see as potential rival."_

_"All this time, I felt like you're going to steal Oikawa from me."_

_"And now you're saying that you like me?"_

_"Oh god!"_ said Iwaizumi.

_"No, I don't like you."_

_"I'm in love with you."_

_"And please from now don't talk about Oikawa when you're with me."_

_"It's really makes me mad to hear his name from your mouth, from your lips."_ said Ushijima. While looking at Hajime's eyes.

He finally could look at his eyes, direclty. Without feeling fear.

Ushijima got closer to Hajime, he had a handsome smile on his face that he barely shows.

_"I love you and I won't give up easily."_

_"So, be ready for me."_ said Ushijima.

Ushijima lips drew closer to Hajime's. Hajime thought he's going to kiss him, he expect a kiss but Ushijima didn't.

 _"I will wait for to kiss you until you say "kiss me."_ said Ushijima.

_"I will never say such a thing"_

_"You and me....It wouldn't work."_

_"We're too different."_ said Hajime.

 _"Different is good."_ said Ushijima.

Ushijima got even more close to Hajime. With a small move and their lips would meet.

_"Don't say never when you was about to let me kiss you a while ago."_

_"And you still do."_

_"I think I have a chance."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi pushed him back with a great force. Ushijima did expect that when he said those words but he has to be more careful because Iwaizumi is really strong and easily could hurt him....

 _"Asshole."_ said Iwaizumi. With a red face that he try to cover.

"I really have a chance." Ushijima thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it's a good chapter and I didn't make too many mistakes.


	5. nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To: Asshole.
> 
> Are you free?

Iwaizumi didn't even realize he come to home until he need to keys to open the door. He was still he still could not get over the shock and doesn't seem like he will get over any time soon though. Like how can he even get over the fact that Ushijima Wakatoshi is in love with him.

"He said "love." Iwaizumi murmured...

Was thinking about Ushijima's confession

How can he even know it's "love"? How can he fall in love in such a little time. How can he even love someone without knowing anything about them? How can he confess his love so easily?

Iwaizumi could not do it for years. He always told himself it was becasue of timing but in fact he was scared, he had no confidence in himself. Iwaizumi could not even admit his love for Tooru for weeks, months, even years, but Ushijima says it like it's the easiest thing in the world.

Iwaizumi hates Ushijima even more just because of that. Just because he could do that so easily. Just because of he was brave.

"It didn't even felt like real." Iwaizumi thought.

Iwaizumi still can't believe someone like Ushijima Wakatoshi is in love with him. A part of Iwaizumi still thinks, believes, wish, it's just a joke, a stupid joke. But although he doesn't know Ushijima well, there is a thing he knows about him, he knows Ushijima isn't a person to joke something about that. He knows Ushijima was serious about every word he said.

And it's trouble Iwaizumi alot.

"Just because he's serious it doesn't change the fact that I'm in love with someone else."

"And just because I'm in love with someone else doesn't change the fact that person loves me so much but can't accept me."

"And the fact that we're too different."

"Ushijima and I are too different."

"Different is good." Iwaizumi remembered. He remembered the way Ushijima said it, he remembered his voice, his face, that cocky but loving smile he had on his face. Iwaizumi saw for the first time such an expression on his face and altough he hate to admit Iwaizumi didn't think that expression was all bad.

But this is ABSOLUTELY doesn't mean they have a chance!! They ABSOLUTELY don't have a chance!!! ABSOLUTELY NO!!

After all Iwaizumi is still very in love with Oikawa. And his love for that trash is very, very much alive.

"Oikawa." Iwaizumi thought.

If he hears Ushijima confessed to him, he would completely lost his mind.

That's why Iwaizumi can't let Oikawa hear it. Iwaizumi can't let Oikawa know Ushijima is in love with him. Not when they go to the same Uni and even in the same team.

Then Hajime finally found his keys and opened the door.

                                                                                                          ******

That day was as if a nightmare for Iwaizumi and doesn't seem like it will end soon.

Matsukawa and Oikawa was sitting on Iwaizumi's favorite couch and watch a show didn't seem familiar to Iwaizumi.

Both of them looked Iwaizumi's way at the same time..

They both looked happy to see him.

_"Hajime!"_

_"I thought you would be late today since you said you are going to help your sister."_ said Matsukawa.

_"Yes, I was. But then mom show up and I become useless."_

_"Can you believe how selfish is my older sister?"_

_"I've canceled my plan to lazy all day on my couch to just to help her."_ said Iwaizumi. He was try so hard to act normal.

_"Well, you two are too alike..."_

_"But I'm not trying to imply anything."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"You better not!"_ said Iwaizumi

Oikawa was quiet, too quiet. Iwaizumi always complain about Oikawa talks too much but in fact he loves when Oikawa talks, even if it's something stupid about. He loves Oikawa's voice.

_"Oikawa."_

_"It's good to see you."_

_"It's been weeks since the last time we see each other."_

_"Also, I'm very sorry about last time."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Yes, it's been some time."_

_"And don't worry about it."_

_"I'm sure you had reasons."_ said Oikawa.

Oikawa's mood was still down and Iwaizumi just can't bear to watch it. Iwaizumi can't bear to watch unlively Oikawa Tooru.

_"Hey, Idiotkawa."_

_"Did you hear, the movie that you was waiting for a long time will come to cinema next week?"_ asked Iwaizumi

_"Yes, I did."_

_"The one about Zombies and Aliens, right??"_ asked Oikawa. He finally looked to he's getting interested. Getting lively.

_"Yes, that one."_

_"I'm free next time."_

_"What to go together?"_

_"I want to see it."_ asked Iwaizumi.

_"Oh my god, Iwa-chan want to watch such a movie?"_

_"Even if it's totally out of your taste?"_ asked Oikawa.

_"Shut up, idoit."_

_"Do you want to see together or not?"_ asked Iwaizumi. He was about to reget it.

_"Sure, Iwa-chan."_

_"I want to go."_

_"I want to see it with you."_

_"Let's go together."_ said Oikawa. He seemed really happy.

"Just like a child." Iwaizumi thought.

 _"Then we made plans."_ said Iwaizumi. He felt as if it was a date.

 _"Yes. We did."_ said Oikawa. He felt as if it was a date.

"There is only way it's an actual date." Both thought.

 _"Don't dare to cancel it, even if your girlfriend asks. Or I will kill you."_ said Iwaizumi. He was dead serious.

"Iwa-chan still doesn't knows." Oikawa thought.

"I don't have a girlfriend Iwa-chan."

"She break up with me."

"She break up with me because of you."

"Because of my love for you." Oikawa wanted to say loud but could not.

 _"When did I do it Iwa-chan?"_ asked Oikawa. With that stupid smile of him.

_"Do you really, seriously, saying this?"_

_"Like when didn't you?"_ said Iwaizumi. With a pissed face.

_"Come on Iwa-chan."_

_"Don't be like that._ " said Oikawa. That smile still was on his face which is why Iwaizumi looked pissed.

 _"Stop!"_ Matsukawa raised his voice.

_"Watching you two are gross me."_

_"Don't make me see things I don't want to see."_ said Matsukawa.

_"Then don't see."_

_"Don't watch."_

_"Go out."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Don't want to go out."_

_"And this is my house."_ said Matsukawa.

_"This is also my house."_

_"And how do you know how many times I see you and Makki in a totally don't-want-see-situation?"_

_"I even once see you guys making out in the kitchen."_

_"In the fucking kitchen."_

_"Where we made food."_

_"Do you know I had to eat out because of that scene keep came to my mind?"_ said Iwaizumi.

_"You know how wild Hanamaki becomes once he's in the mood."_

_"Can't control him."_

_"And we did apologized, didn't we?"_

_"Stop bring it up every damn time."_

_"and move out if you don't want to live with us."_ said Matsukawa

It still wasn't a real fight, so Oikawa didn't come between them.

_"Not an option."_

_"I like this house, it's big, rents affordable and close to both uni and my work place."_

_"And I like to live with you idiots."_

Iwaizumi smiled.

_"Plus Matsukawa."_

With a grin on his face.

_"Isn't it Hanamaki's check-out time?"_

_"Don't you need to be there and make sure nobody steal your dearling?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

Matsukawa looked at the clock on the wall.

 _"Ugh!! Damn it."_ said Matsukawa.

And immediately left the house.

Iwaizumi was laughing but then he realized that Oikawa and him are alone in the house.

They are all alone.

They are alone after a long time. 

                                                                                                          ******

Iwaizumi was getting so nervous. He doesn't expect to something to happen. But the last time they was alone was at that classroom since then Iwaizumi didn't want to be alone with him but now they become alone because of Iwaizumi. The silence between was getting weird. Then Oikawa broke that silence.

_"Uhmm...What just happened?"_ asked Oikawa. That fight didn't seem serious but there is no way Oikawa would not ask that.

 _"Not an important contention between roommates"_ said Iwaizumi. He took off his jacket.

 _"Want coffee?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Why not."_ said Oikawa.

_"A black one or with lots of sugar?"_

_"What kind of mood you're having?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"What do you think?"_ asked Oikawa.

"You know me well Iwa-chan."  
"You don't even have to ask what kind of mood I'm having."  
"You know the answer even before I know."  
"You know me better than anyone." Oikawa thought.

 _"With lots of sugar."_ said Iwaizumi. With a serious face.

_"As always."_

_"Iwa-chan knows me the best."_ said Oikawa. With a sincere smile on his face.

A sincere smile that Iwaizumi's favorite. A sincere that Iwaizumi always weak for it.

_"Well It's not like I want to know you too well."_

He already was nervous and that sincere smile made him even more nervous.

_"But I have to."_

Iwaizumi said that with a voice he should not.

Iwaizumi said that with a face he should not show infort of Oikawa.

_" I mean, after spending 10 years and almost 24/7 together with a peron."_

_"Of course, you would know a few thing about them, Asskawa."_ said Iwaizumi.

"I have to because after all you're the man I'm in love with." was the words Iwaizumi wanted to say loud but he could not.

 

                                                                                                          ******

_"Iwa-chan."_ said Oikawa.

Iwaizumi was at the kitchen. After that talk with Matsukawa bring old memories. It was hard to be in the kitchen for Iwaizumi, he wanted make coffees quickly.

 _"Yes?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Was about that steal talk?"_ asked Oikawa.

_"Ohh!"_

Iwaziumi try to hold his laugh.

 _"You know the restaurant Hanamaki works?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

_"Yes, of course!"_

_"I went to few times with Yukie."_

_"It's a nice place."_ said Oikawa.

"With Yukie." Iwaizumi murmured.

_"I'm glad you guys had fun."_

_"By the way, how's she?"_ asked Iwaizumi. Could not bring himself to look at Oikawa's face.

 _"She's ok."_ said Oikawa.

"I hope she's ok." said Oikawa. With a low voice.

_"That's good."_

_"Are you guys ok as well?"_

_"Is everything ok between you guys?"_

_"Are you ok?"_

_"Are you happy?"_

_"Is she making you happy?"_

_"She----"_ Iwaizumi wanted to stop himself. Control himself. But he just could not handle to hear her name from Oikawa's mouth

 _"IWAIZUMI"_ Oikawa raised his voice.

 _"You were talking about Hanamaki."_ said Oikawa.

"So you're telling me not to butt in your business." Iwaizumi thought.

_"Yes, yes."_

_"Owner of that place have a son around 7-8 years old."_

_"Have a cute face, I need to mention."_

_"Seems like that brat fall in love with Hanamaki."_

_"And pretty serious about Hanmaki."_

_"Like he's even planning their wedding in America."_

_"That kid is all over Hanamaki and he just can't say no to him."_

_"He spoil that kid alot."_

_"So Matsukawa really upset about it."_ said Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi was laughing and Oikawa was interested with his laugh more.

 _"Now I wanted to see Matsukawa's reaction."_ said Oikawa.

He was still watch Iwaizumi's laugh. His face.

"What a dazzling sight" Oikawa thought.

_"You should Shittykawa."_

_"It's really precious."_

_"I would never thought I could see such an expression on Matsukawa's face."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Go together?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"Together?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Yes. Together."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Better we don't."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"I don't want to go somewhere you go with your girlfriend."_

_"I don't want to go somewhere you have memories with girlfriend."_ said Iwaizumi loud.

He said those words loud. Iwaizumi didn't mean to say it loud. But he did it.

Oikawa was shocked to hear it. He didn't expect to hear those words.

_"Iwa--"_

_"Hajime."_ said Oikawa. With a low voice. A broken smile on his face. A sad smile on his face.

_"Don't!"_

_"I'm sorry!!"_

_"I should not say it."_

_"But I can't."_

_"I still can't get over it."_

_"I still can't get over you."_

"Give me some more time."

_"Some more time and I will be old me."_

_"I will be Iwaizumi Hajime that only loves Oikawa Tooru as his close friends."_

_"But until then."_

_"Please leave me alone."_

_"I thought I could handle it."_

_"But I can't."_

_"It's too painful, Tooru."_

_"Please, just leave."_ said Iwaizumi. Tears were falling on his cheeks

Oikawa could not say any word.

_"I know I'm selfish."_

_"You know I'm selfish."_

_"So I won't leave you alone."_

_"I can't leave you."_

Oikawa take his phone and keys that was on table.

_"By the way, Iwa-chan."_

_"Yukie and I are break up."_

_"We're break up."_ said Oikawa. Then he shut the door behind.

While walking on crowded street. Oikawa keep repeated the things Iwaizumi said.

"Iwaizumi Hajime that only love Oikawa Tooru as his close friends" even thinking about it took Oikawa's breathe away.

"How a scary." Oikawa thought.

                                                                                                          ******

The silence was terrifying after Oikawa shut the door behind. Iwaizumi was shaking. Was having a mini break down. He still can't believe he blow up. He said all those thing. Those words loud. He wanted to keep them to himself. They were the words that he didn't mean said to himself.

The silence was killing him. That place was killing him. That house was having smell of Oikawa. Iwaizumi can't breathe. He needs to run. He needs to go.

But, where? Where he could feel comfortable. Where he could breathe again.

Iwaizumi recalled that cafe he go with Ushijima. Was he felt comfortable because of place or because of Ushijima. Iwaizumi doesn't know. Iwaizumi doesn't think.

  
**_To: Asshole._ **

Are you free?

Today is a nightmare for him and it won't end easily.

                                                                                                          ******

Didn't wait much for a reply.

**_From: Asshole._ **

_I am._

**_From Asshole._ **

_Why are you asking?_

**_To: Asshole._ **

_Can.._

**_To: Asshole._ **

_Can we meet?_

**_From Asshole._ **

_Are you serious?_

Ushijima replied it within seconds.

**_To: Asshole._ **

_Meet with me train station in 10 minutes._

**_To: Asshole._ **

_Don't make me wait._

_**From Asshole.** _

_I won't._

Iwaizumi probably should not do it. It's wrong. For for him. For Ushijima. But he can't think about anything.

If Iwaizumi go out now, he will probably could not make it for the last train. And if he can't make it for the last train, he will have to spend all night with a guy that in love with him. It doesn't sounds good at all but Iwaizumi can't hear. He only wants to go away for that place has the smell of Oikawa.

                                                                                                          ******

Ushijima was already there and waiting for Iwaizumi when train finally arrived. He was looking fine. Like really fine, for the second time Iwaizumi thought Ushijima is attractive, the first time Iwaizumi though Ushijima is attractive is when he showed that handsome smile when he said "I love you and I won't give up easily."

_"Hi."_ said Ushijima. With a smile on his face. He was looking happy.

 _"Hi."_ said Iwaizumi. That smile made him pissed, he didn't want to see such a happy smile on that asshole's face.

_"Don't get me wrong but."_

_"What we will do?"_

"Why did you text me?" asked Ushijima.

"Of course, he will ask questions." Iwaizumi thought.

_"To be honest, no special reason to texted you."_

_"I didn't want to stay at home. "_

_"And texted you."_

_"I know I'm being unfair."_

_"I'm sorry."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Then I'm more happy."_

_"You sure have close friends like Hanamaki and Matsukawa."_

_"But you still chose me."_

_"Even if there is no special meaning."_

_"I'm happy."_ said Ushijima.

_"Shut up."_

_"Don't be that good to me."_

_"I don't deserve that much kidness."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Where do you want to go?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"Somewhere I can drink."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Drink?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Do you really want to drink with me?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"I am."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Fine."_ said Ushijima.

                                                                                                          ******

Thankfully Ushijima knows some good places to drink, although he's not go out often.

  
It wasn't a big place but was quality...They choose a table that away from people. Once again.

"Iwaizumi doesn't want to be around people." Ushijima thought.

After they ordered drinks, Iwaizumi didn't open his mouth.

"Something bad happened." Ushijima thought..

Iwaizumi was looking so down. His eyes were teary. His hands was shaking.

He was like that until his 5th glasses.

_"After...you.."_

_"I see Oikawa..."_  
  
"Again. It's about Oikawa." Ushijima thought. He sighed.

_"At my house...he was sitting on my favorite couch."_

_"A couch that I had sleep while dreaming about him.."_

_"Then talked with him."_

_"Like old times."_

_"We made plans."_

_"Like old times."_

_"Everything was so good."_

_"Too good."_

_"Until he mention his damn girlfriend."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why did he do that?"_

_"Why did he have to say her name infort of me?"_

_"Why, when he knows how much I love him?"_

_"Doesn't he care about me at all?"_

_"Doesn't he see it's too painful for me?"_ said Iwaizumi. He was getting drunk and Ushijima was getting pissed.

_"You know, I can ask exactly the same thing."_

_"Why are you keep talking about him."_

_"You know I said I love you."_

_"I'm in love with you."_

_"I don't want to hear his name from your mouth."_

_"It's painful for me too."_ said Ushijima.

He grapped Iwaizumi's hand.

_"Look at me Iwaizumi."_

_"Why did you texted me."_

_"Why did you want me to be your side."_ asked Ushijima.

_"Because...."_

_"Becuase it's comfortable?"_

_"Because it's comfortable to talk with you."_

_"Although I hate you."_

_"Although I hate you so much."_

_"Your side is comfortable."_ said Iwaizumi. Take another sip.

_"Why do you hate me?"_

_"Why do you hate me so much?"_ asked Ushijima.

_"Because..."_

_"You're a good guy."_

_"Because I can't stand you."_

_"Because you're brave."_

_"Because you're strong."_

_"Because Oikawa only see you as a person he should not lose over."_

_"Because you're kind of a person Oikawa should be with."_

_"Because no matter how much I want I can't be good like you."_

_"I can't be brave and strong like you."_

_"Because you was always a rival for me."_

_"Because even if I always see you as a rival, you never did."_

_"Because you said you love."_

_"Becase you said it easily."_

_"Because although I'm still in love with Oikawa."_

_"In love with Oikawa so much."_

_"But you still confuse me."_

_"You confused me in one fucking day."_

_"One fucking minute."_

_"With a few words."_

_"You confuse me because I wanted to be loved."_

_"Because I yearn for someone to love me."_

_"Because I want to somone to love me bravely."_

_"And you're brave enough."_

                                                                                                          ******

Ushijima pressed his lips against Iwaizumi's, he licked Iwaizumi's lips.

_"Do you want to go to my house?_

_"Or I should take you a hotel."_

_"Make sure you're okay and leave?"_ asked Ushijima.

_"Didn't I say;"_

_"Don't be that good to me."_

_"I don't deserve that much kidness."_ said Iwaizumi.

He lauged.

 _"I hope your house is close."_ said Iwaizumi.

                                                                                                          ******

They both was quiet while was on way to Ushijima house. Iwaizumi drink alot but he didn't seem like drunk at all. Ushijima was afraid to ask him if he's sure about going to his house, he doesn't want to open his mouth but he feels guilty, he as if using Iwaizumi's weak moment. He knows, Iwaizumi is confused, scared, broken and probably didn't even twice before he said yes to Ushijima. Yes, Ushijima feels guilty but he won't open his mouth. Doesn't matter if it's wrong. Ushijima won't let go that chance.

                                                                                                          ******

When they finally arrived to Ushijima's house. He didn't know what to do, He felt so nervous, as if it's his first time. He could not even make a move on Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi grinned.

 _"Don't be that nervous."_ said Iwaizumi.

He pushed Ushijima against the wall.

"Iwaizumi is strong."

"He's strong as me."

"Probably more than me." Ushijima thought.

Looked his eyes and lips with desire.

"Iwaizumi is wants this. Iwaizumi is want me." Ushijima thought.  
  
_"Don't make me nervous."_ Iwaizumi whispered in his ear, bite his ear. Then he was looking Ushijima's eyes with that desire.

With a desire Ushijima didn't see anyone's eyes before.

He licked his lips with a cheeky grin on his face.

_"Don't make me wait."_

"He's teasing me." Ushijima thought.

He grabbed Iwaizumi's waist and pulled closer to himself. Their height difference was helpful for Ushijima. Iwaizumi had a strong body but because Ushijima was taller, everything was under his control.

" _Then you need to say "kiss me." Hajime."_ said Ushijima. With a grin on his face.

_"You remember right when I said. "I won't kiss you until you ask for it."_

_"It was today."_

_"How weird, you said never but now you're in my arms"_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi pouted.

 _"Mood killer."_ said Iwaizumi. He try to push Ushijima away, get himself a little space but Ushijima didn't let him do it.

 _"Say it, Hajime."_ said Ushijima.

_"Who said you can call me by my first name?"_

_"And I won't said."_

_"If you mean you won't do me if I don't say it."_

_"Then it's okay, don't do."_

_"I'm going to a hotel so let me go."_ said Iwaizumi. He was getting pissed.

Iwaizumi try to get away from him but because he didn't want to hurt Ushijima, he wasn't using his real strength.

 _"Hajime."_ said Ushijima. With such a gentle voice.

_"I need to hear it."_

_"I want to hear it."_

_"I need to hear you want me."_

_"I want to hear you want me."_ said Ushijima. He grabbed right hand while still holding Iwaizumi waist. Looked into Iwaizumi's eyes, with loving eyes, with desire.

Iwaizumi blushed, he didn't expect to see such an expression, he is not used to someone look at him with desire, he is not used to someone to want him. Iwaizumi feels like a butterfly caught in a spider web, after caught once can not escape.

"Kiss me." said Iwaizumi....

  
****** 

Ushijima pushed Iwaizumi into his bed. He took off his t-shirt and pants so did Iwaizumi.

"He has a very many body." Ushijima thought.

He could not see his body clearly because it was dark, Iwaizumi didn't want to open a light. Although Ushijima wanted to every part of Iwaizumi's body, he could not go against his wish. If he's more comfortable like that then it's okay, in the end he will feel his body and it's enough for now.

Ushijima kissed Iwaizumi.

Ushijima slipped his tongue between Iwaizumi's lips. Ushijima didn't touch Iwaizumi body yet, just lovingly caressed his lips and tongue, Iwaizumi's mouth was full of salvia. Iwaizumi could feel his blood was rising into his cheeks, his ears was burning, his body was burning but since that summer night he could not have sex, it was bring him unpleasant memories, memories that he wasn't to forget. He could not stop himself from shaking, wants to get away. He knows it's really unfair to Ushijima so he try to bear it.

 _"Are...are you okay?"_ asked Ushijima.

He was holding Iwaizumi....

_"Yes."_

_"I am."_ said Iwaizumi.

"Conrol yourself" said Iwaizumi to himself.

_"No, you're not."_

_"You're shaking."_

_"And it's not because of pleasure."_ said Ushijima.

Ushijima backs off, he was about to get up but Iwaizumi stopped him.

_"I am okay."_

_"Don't stop."_ said Iwaizumi. But he was still shaking.

Ushijima touched Iwaizumi's face with such a gentle hands. His hands was so soft and loving.

_"Hajime."_

_"I don't want to do anything that will hurt you."_

_"Anything."_ said Ushijima. With sad and loving face.

"Ugh! I do not deserve someone like him" Iwaizumi thought.

_"Didn't I already told you."_

_"Don't be that good to me."_

_"I don't deserve that much kidness."_ said Iwaizumi.

Ushijima hugged him tightly..

_"I beg you, stop saying that."_

_"You deserve kidness."_

_"You deserve good things."_

_"You deserve love."_

_"And I will you all of them."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi was about to break. Iwaizumi was about to cry so loud. Cry infort of his rival.

_"You....are."_

_"You're something else."_

_"I can never win over you."_ said Iwaizumi. Still hold his tears.

_"No need to fight aganist me."_

_"No need to see me as your rival."_

_"Hajime, fight next to me."_

_"Let me be your partner."_

_"Let me make you happy."_

_"Let me love you."_ said Ushijima.

"Thank god, he is not seeing my face." Iwaizumi thought while crying so loud.

                                                                                                          ******

That night they didn't do anything except actually sleeping together. Iwaizumi cried all night. Cried for himself, for Tooru, for Wakatoshi. And Ushijima hold him tightly all night. Like he needed. Iwaizumi slept in Ushijima's arms, he wake up to his warmth and it felt so damn good, _too good_.

_Iwaizumi didn't want to get up that morning and felt like he wake up from a long nightmare._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter is so lame and with this chapter I think I can finally get into love triangle. Hopefully.


	6. a decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From: Shittykawa.
> 
> Open your phone Iwa-chan!!!
> 
> From: Shittykawa.
> 
> We need to talk!

While sunlight warming their bare bodies Ushijima slowly opened his eyes, Iwaizumi was still sleeping soundly and using Ushijima's arm as a pillow, his arm was kind of aching but it was such a great view and he did want to stay like that a little more. Some parts of Iwaizumi's lower body was exposing, Ushijima cover Iwaizumi's body carefully and try to not wake up him , then again carefully took his phone to look at clock.

09:35 a.m.

"Still early." Ushijima thought.

He wanted to let Iwaizumi sleep a little more, yesterday was sure a tough for him. crying so loud, crying in front of him, asking him to meet, accept his offer to go home with him. Yes, yesterday must be //really// tough for Iwaizumi and Ushijima used him, he still feels guilty about it and he probably will always feel guilty about it but now Iwaizumi is sleeps next to him, in his arms, laying naked on Ushijima's bed. They're so close, too close and Ushijima doesn't know if he would ever have another chance to be that close to Iwaizumi. That night could be one-night thing, after Iwaizumi open his eyes, maybe there won't be another time, maybe Iwaizumi will never ever want to see Ushijima again. Because of that, because this moment could be one-time, Ushijima want to enjoy the moment, he won't allow a feeling like guilt ruin this peaceful moment.

Ushijima watched Iwaizumi's sleeping face. Honestly, he wasn't a beauty, he is a man and have manly face, manly facial features, manly sleeping face, but there was something about him, something that makes you want you to watch him.

Ushijima solfy touch Iwaizumi's cheek, he slowly move his fingertips, Iwaizumi made some noises.

"He's waking up." Ushijima thought.

The moment, he's afraid is coming. He is not ready for Iwaizumi's reaction but he can't run away, even if he wants.

Iwaizumi slowly open his eyes, it was painful to open his eyes because last night he cried until worn out himself, his eyes were swollen and sunlight wasn't make it any better.

He could not see anything clear but he could /easily/ see that happy smile on Ushijima's face which annoys him alot. Seeing such a happy smile on the person he dislike the most is absolutely not a good way to wake up but waking up naked with that guy is absolutely worse than seeing such a face.

 _"Stop making that face."_ said Iwaizumi but Ushijima probably didn't hear him since even he could not hear his own voice.

Yesterday he /really/ was a huge mess, he /really/ messed up everything. Crying like a damn baby infort of that guy, showing such a weakness, showing such a scene to him, totally not like him...Losing his voice because he cried so damn loud totally not like him.

 _"Stop making that face."_ said Iwaizumi. Again but more loudly.

 _"What face?"_ asked Ushijima. He wear a face like he absolutely don't understand what Iwaizumi talks about.

 _"You know so damn well what face I'm talking about."_ said Iwaizumi. That look on Ushijima's face annoyed him even more. But he still was in Ushijima arms. It was as if he still haven't noticed his position. How they are looks like in bed, how they are actually looks like lovers.

 _"No, I don't know."_ said Ushijima. With a cheeky smile on his face.

Iwaizumi /really/ could kill him at the moment. But it probably would hard to explain that situation to police.

_"Bastard."_

"I'm talking about that smile on your ugly face." said Iwaizumi. He slightly kicked Ushijima's stomach. Although he still wants to kill him, he didn't want to give him some bruises because he knows the fact Ushijima has alot training that week. (He knows Ushijima has training because Iwaizumi knows Oikawa's weekly program better than Oikawa knows.)

_"Oh!"_

_"You're talking about that."_

_"But, come on."_

_"Don't be unfair."_

_"Like you know, I can't see my own face."_

_"I didn't even realize I'm smiling."_ said Ushijima. He sure was in a good mood. In a too good mood. In a perfect mood.

Iwaizumi made a disgusted face.

"Does he seriously expect from me to believe that bullshit?" Iwaizumi thought.

"And why is he in such a good mood?" Iwaizumi thought.

"What's the good news?" Iwaizumi thought.

Then Iwaizumi realized their position, how they did look like from the mirror standing in the right corner of the wall. Iwaizumi immediately get out of bed, the sight he saw from mirror surprised him alot.

 _"What a great sight."_ said Ushijima. While looking at Iwaizumi's bare body.

Iwaizumi may didn't have a handsome facial features but if we're talking about body then Iwaizumi Hajime was as if a greek god.

"What the hell actually happened last night?" Iwaizumi thought. Expect than crying and talking things he should not and some kisses Iwaizumi doesn't remember much. But he could tell they didn't do it becasue he only had a headache and it was due to alcohol he drink last night but if they actullay did it, his whole body would aching because it's been some time since he did it.

Iwaizumi didn't blush or show an embarrassment signal. "To be honest it was too normal for him, it's not like it was the first time he was naked in front of a guy. Nope. he totally didn't get embarrassed, not at all." Iwaizumi keep repeated those words inside of his mind but he failed to prevent his ears becoming red.

He only could hope that Ushijima didn't saw his ears.

 _"Shut up."_ said Iwaizumi. He took his clothes from the floor and go to bathroom, didn't even bother to ask Ushijima where's bathroom. Iwaizumi wanted talk with Ushijima as little as possible...

When Iwaizumi left the bedroom Ushijima watched him leaving, didn't say anything. He took a deep breathe. He was still in a good mood.

"This is a good day." Ushijima thought.

That reaction was better than he thought. Better than he wanted. That reaction gives him hope....

                                                                                                 ********

After get dressed in the bathroom Iwaizumi immediately leave Ushijima's house, didn't even say any word to word to him.

Thankfully he didn't wait for train too much. When he finally was infort of his house's door, clock was showing 11:00. Again thankfully it was sunday and he didn't have any plan, he could go bed and made his body and mind forget about last night.

When he opened the door, the first thing he saw was Matsukawa and Hanamaki laying on his favorite couch, half naked, making out.

"They sure don't miss any chance." Iwaizumi thought.

He coughed, to make them realize he's in the house but as usually they didn't care, honestly Iwaizumi not sure if it's enviable or annoying how they are in their world when they're together.

Then Hanamaki decided to pay some attention to Iwaizumi.

_"Oh, so you did remember to come to home."_

_"To be honest, I finally understand how my parents felt when I didn't go to home."_ said Hanamki. With a serious face.

But that serious face caused to a grin on Matsukawa's face.

 _"Don't make your mother worried, Hajime."_ said Matsukawa. With a sarcastic voice and look.

"With each day those two becomes even more unbearable" Iwaizumi thought.

_"Please, stop."_

_"I don't even strength to talk."_ said Iwaizumi. He really mean it.

 _"So, you did have a fun night after all, huh?"_ asked Hanamaki. With a grin on his face.

If Iwaizumi had any strength, he probably would punch him in the face.

 _"Was Ushijima that good?"_ asked Matsukawa.

 _"Leaving you all powerless."_ Hanamki completed Matsukawa's sentence.

 _"H--H-How-?"_ asked Iwaizumi. He was all speechless.

_"Come on."_

_"Don't be looked that surprised."_

_"We know each other for years."_ said Matsukawa and Hanamaki.

They was really having fun.

 _"I have no words for you two."_ said Iwaizumi. He put the keys on the table and went towards the bathroom..

_"Don't run away, Iwa-izumi."_

_"Come and let's talk about how you and Ushikawa spent last night."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Don't call him "Ushikawa."_ said Iwaizumi and he shut the door behind him.

 _"Mattsun, did you hear him? did you see his face?"_ asked Hanamaki. With a really excited voice.

 _"Makki, I think we just discovered something new."_ said Matsukawa..

                                                                                                 ********

Iwaizumi put his clothes on laundry basket, and Iwaizumi turns on the water and step in it before even water getting warm, cause warmth is not what he need at the moment, he wants cold, he wants his body to freeze, his mind to freeze, time to freeze. Cold water is burning his body, make him hard to breathe, makes him alive than ever.

Iwaizumi look at his body, there was some kiss marks around his neck and his lower half, he wonder how far did they go, he is pretty sure they didn't "do it" but they sure did mess around little altough his mind still unclear about it, his body have proofs of them getting closer.

"What a mess." Iwaizumi thought.

"Why did I even go to his house?" Iwaizumi thought.

"Why did I even text him?" Iwaizumi thought.

"Why did I even want to be next to him?" Iwaizumi thought.

"Why I don't want to answer those questions?" Iwaizumi thought.

"Why do I feel like if I answer those question, I won't like the answer." Iwaizumi thought.

Cold water was still wetting his body, freezing his body and that cold was becoming disturbing.

"Time to go out." Iwaizumi thought.

                                                                                                 ********

When Iwaizumi go out of bathroom, there was unread message.

two from his mom, one from Ushijima and one from Hanamaki.

He first opened Hanamaki's message.

**From: Makki.**

_What happened last night?? ;)_

 

Iwaizumi right away deleted message and "I'm so moving out." said with a loud voice and make sure they heared him.

Then he opened Ushijima's message.

  
**_From: Asshole._ **

_I think we need to talk._

_About last night._

_About everything._

 

"He is right." Iwaizumi thought. But he's not ready to see him, he's not ready to talk with him. His mind is not clear and he doesn't make a move will cause any problem, any pain to him, Ushijima or Oikawa. He needs to think twice before make a move.

And he finally opened his mother's messages.

**_From: Mother._ **

_You need to come to home._

**_From: Mother._ **

_It's about Mai._

_Iwaizumi was already on his way to home._

                                                                                                 ********

When Iwaizumi arrived his family home, he absolutely didn't expect to see two thing.

First one;

His sister's fiance, Misaki Yuzuru.

Second one;

Oikawa Tooru joyfully talking with a guy that Iwaizumi had one night stand.

  
Suddenly that talk he should have with Ushijima becomes more important in his eyes. Using Ushijima when he needs to run away or when he doesn't want to be alone because Iwaizumi knows he can't say "no" to him, because he knows he will accept him easily and won't ask any questions and Iwaizumi perfeclty knows, it's so unfair to Ushijima.

But somehow and in such a short time Ushijima become a place that Iwaizumi can run and hide from all monsters and demons eats him alive. Ushijima become a place that he can feel peace.

And Iwaizumi having troubles with accepting that fact.

He trun his back and about to run away. (One more time.) But this time, he could not because his mother realized him.

 _"Hajime!!"_ said Mother Iwaizumi. Had such happy face on her face. A happy face Hajime didn't see for a long time.

"I should have been faster." Hajime thought.

 _"Mother."_ said Hajime. And hugged him. He missed his mother. And it felt good to hug mother. Feeling his mother's compassion made his worries go for a few second and it was /kind of/ enough.

All eyes were turned towards them. All eyes were looking at them. Looking at him.

After greeting with everyone, his mother explained her message;

Misaki Yuzuru aka Mr. Fiance aka good-for-nothing is back last night and wants get marry in a few week, get marry before their child is born. Which is good news because if else they probably would break up or even worse his sister would kill him. The cause of this sudden change of decision is his sister, probably.

Hajime looked his sister with a smile on his face. She was all happy and smiling. She wasn't that happy for a long time and of course he was happy because she was happy but also he know his sister so damn well, he knows how scary can his sister be. Hajime look at his sister, she looked innocent with that happy smile on her face but he could easily see her devilish smile. A smile she always showed him when he got into trouble because of her. He can't stop but feel sad for his soon-to-be brother in law.

Iwaizumi stoned, he literally could not move or even breathe. How was even this possible, how the hell that happen. Why is that guy in his damn house? And talking with Oikawa? He had many questions but didn't have guts to ask, he didn't even have guts to step in the house, was standing in front of the door and thinking. Thinking about where to run, cause there is no way for him to step in the house and go into that messy situation.

His family knows about his sexuality and they respects and supports him as much as they could but it's still a troubled situation, especially for his father. His only and precious son being gay is hard to accept, Hajime knows it but his father try his best to support and understand his son and because of that Hajime loves his father, his family alot. But no matter how supportive are they, they still would get bothered by the fact their son is sleeping around with guys that he doesn't even remember their name and one of them are in their house. And Hajime doesn't have enough guts to face it. Face such a thing infort of Oikawa.

So far everything was going good. That man Iwaizumi could not remember didn't say word to him or seem to recognize him. Iwaizumi took a sigh of relief, it was okay, everything was okay. He was safe.

The moment Hajime thought everything was safe, that man appeared before him. With a grin on his face.

 _"I never thought I could see you again."_ said the guy.

 _"The same goes for me."_ said Hajime. With a blank face.

 _"You don't even remember my name, right?"_ said the guy. That situation is fun for him. Hajime could see it from his eyes.

 _"No! I don't.."_ Didn't want to waste his time or breathe for that guy.

 _"I wonder if it's because you sleep aroun too muh or because you're still mad about how thing go that night?"_ asked the guy. He still had a disgusting smile on his face.

_"Still mad? Huh? Are you kidding me?"_

_"What you did to me was rape."_ said Hajime. He was getting mad and rasing his voice without being aware.

_"Wow! Rape?"_

_"I was just little bit rough, you know?"_ said the guy.

_"A LITTLE BIT?"_

_"I could not move my body for days for God's sake."_ said Hajime. He didn't want to rasie his voice but that guy was making him damn mad.

The guy got closer to him.

_"Don't raise your voice...If you don't want to make a scene."_

_"If you don't want to your family to know how sluty are you."_

_"If you don't want to your precious Oikawa to know how sluty are you."_

_"It's him right? It's that Oikawa."_

_"You keep call when I touched you."_

_"When I was inside of you, you keep call his name."_

_"So, I lost my control."_

_"I'm sorry about it, okay?"_

_"I really liked you but you keep all another guy's name."_ said the guy.

The expression on his face was better than before but it wasn't make it better. His words, his excuses wasn't making it any better.

Hajime was at fault, he knows he should not have use another man as a replacement but just because Hajime made a mistake, it doesn't give that guy permission to do him whatever he wants because he got mad.

_"Enough."_

_"You keep making nothing but absurd excuses."_

_"Anything you say doesn't give you permission to do whatever you want to MY body."_

_"Honestly, I still want to punch you, hurt you."_

_"But I won't."_

_"Just don't show your face to me."_ said Hajime.

Then he pushed that guy away.

When Hajime saw Oikawa behind that guy, he wished to disappear, he wished to die.

_"Iwa-chan?"_

_"Is everything ok?"_ asked Oikawa. With a polite voice.

_"Yes! Don't worry."_

_"I'm about to leave already."_

_"See you later...."_ said the guy.

Hajime look at the guy with a pissed face.

 _"Or not!"_ said the guy.

After the guy leave, they was alone.

"How much he did hear." Hajime thought.

"How much Oikawa did hear." Hajime thought.

Oikawa ook a few steps toward Hajime.

_"That guy...and you..."_

_"Do you know him?"_

_"Did you slept with him?"_ asked Oikawa. He could not look at Hajime's face. And his voice sounded upset or angry or both.

Hajime almost can not breathe.

 _"Why are you asking?"_ asked Hajime.

"He did hear or didn't?" Hajime thought.

_"You two seemed so close and I can tell that you know him before."_

_"It's not the first time you saw that guy and seems like your body knows him."_

_"Plus, you have some kiss marks on your neck."_

_"I thought, it's him because your attitude."_

_"You seemed so panicked."_ said Oikawa.

It must be nightmare. He can't wake up from nightmares, they come after another and don't seem like will end any time soon.

 _"It's none of your business."_ said Hajime. Hoped those words would stop Oikawa, but he knows Oikawa won't stop.

_"It's MY BUSINESS."_

_"If it's about you, then it's my business."_ said Oikawa. With a serious face.

 _"WHY?"_ asked Hajime.

_"Don't ask why, Iwa-chan."_

_"You know why, it's because we are frie-"_ Hajime didn't let Oikawa to continue.

_"Don't say, friends."_

_"I beg you, say anthing but friends."_

_"I don't want to be your friend."_

_"It's not what I want from you."_ said Hajime.

 _"Iwa-chan."_ said Oikawa. With a sad look on his face. He get close to Hajime, put his arms on Hajime's shoulders.

Hajime pushed him away.

_"Why don't you get it."_

_"That's what hurts me."_

_"You act like yesterday didn't happen."_

_"You didn't hear what I said?"_

_"I can't handle it."_

_"Don't be nice to me."_

_"Don't be nice to me when you can't accept me."_

_"Don't be nice to me when you can't love me as a lover."_

_"Please, help me to get over you."_

_"Not love you any more than this."_ said Hajime. He was try so hard to control his voice. He didn't want to his family to see such a scene. He didn't want to their son is in love with his childhood friend and want to drag him such a sinful road with him. Not when they are having really good time.

_"Iwa-chan, I'm sorry but I can't do that."_

_"I can't make you hate me."_

_"Not when I want to you to love me the most."_

_"Want me to the most."_

_"I want to you to can't live without me."_

_"Can't breathe without me."_ said Oikawa.

He hugged Hajime with forcefully.

_"Shittykawa......"_

_"Are you telling me...that...that you will.."_

_"You will love me?"_

_"Hold me?"_

"Will accept me?" asked Hajime. He could cry. He could cry of happiness. Oikawa was hugging him, tightly. Hajime could feel him, strongly.

_"I'm saying;"_

_"I already love you."_

_"I'm already holding you.."_

_"But, Hajime..."_

_"Please, give me...Give me some more time..."_

_"It's not right time."_ said Oikawa. Hoping Hajime would understand him.

Calling him by his name, saying he loves him, holding him so tightly, make his hopes up and give him another "it's not right time." talk. It's same old story. It's always the same.

Hajime pushed Oikawa away with all his strength....

_"Don't give that "not right time" bullshit."_

_"There is no thing such a right time."_

_"When will you get it?"_

_"The right time is now, the moment we're living."_

_"But it's enough."_

_"I'm giving up."_

_"For real."_

_"I will live my own fucking love."_

_"For real."_

_"I will not mess around this time."_

_"I will be honest."_

_"And until I want."_

_"Until I'm ready._

_"I won't see you, Tooru."_

_"I hope you can be happy."_

_"I hope you can find the right person."_

_"The person you can love fearlessly."_

_"It's painful but let's face the fact, it's not me."_

_"If you're that afraid to be with me.."_

_"I'm not the right person for you..."_

_"Tell mother, I'm sorry but I got a call."_ said Hajime.

He obviously was hurt but he knows what he should do anymore.

                                                                                                 ********

After Hajime left, Oikawa could do nothing but watch, watch him leave, watch him leaving him alone, not because Hajime was right. Not because Hajime was right about him not being "right person" for Oikawa becaus he was. Iwaizumi Hajime is his right person. Iwaizumi Hajime is only person Oikawa could love but Hajime doesn't see it. Oikawa knows it's not Hajime's fault, he doesn't know the fact that Oikawa is in love with him for a long time, he doesn't know much unrequited love, that sinful unrequited love damage him, he doesn't know the fears he has since he was a little kid damage him. Oikawa was in the darkness for a long time and now doesn't know how to allow light show him exit to that darkness, he keep his feeling in silence for a long time and now doesn't how to say loud and now because he doesn't know, he is losing his bestfriend, his love, his Iwa-chan and sadly he still doesn't know how step out side from that darkness.

                                                                                                 ********

Next two weeks, Iwaizumi drown himself in his studies and training. He didn't talk with Ushijima or Oikawa, didn't even text them, they both send him endless texts. Ushijima kept asking to meet and have a real conversation and Oikawa kept ask him give him a little more time. But he didn't have any time not anymore. He already knows which path he should chose, he knows wich path he will chose.

                                                                                                 ********

A day after end of exams weeks.

**_To: Wakatoshi (Asshole)_ **

_Meet with me at train station at 14:30._

_Hajime._

                                                                                                 ********

**_From: Iwaizumi._ **

_Meet with me at train station at 14:30._

_Hajime._

  
Ushijima almost dropped his phone when he saw the message after weeks in silence, seeing that message him incredibly happy and worried.

Ushijima looked at the clock 14:00.

He has 30 minutes to get ready, he was training alone, he was all sweaty and smelly. He quickly took a shower and get dressed. He was ready to go at 14:29.

                                                                                                 ********

Iwaizumi could easily recognize Ushijima (mostly because due to his height.) He was looking really good.

_"Hey, big guy."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Hi."_ said Ushijima.

 _"You really stand out."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Yeah. I know "_ said Ushijima.

 _"You really can't take a compliment nicely?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Comliment?"_ asked Ushijima. He seemed confused.

 _"I meant you looked good, okay?"_ said Iwaizumi. His ears were all red.

Ushijima blushed.

 _"I thought you meant my height."_ said Ushijima.

 _"Your height? Come on! It's not something I should even mention."_ said Iwaizumi.

Ushijima laughed.

 _"Let's go to somewhere?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"Yes! Let's go to your home!"_ said Iwaizumi.

Ushijima raised his one eyebrow..

_"My house?"_

_"Are you sure?"_ asked Ushijima.

With a serious face.

 _"I am."_ said Iwaizumi.

                                                                                                 ********

Ushijima was nervous, Iwaizumi was in house, was sitting in his blue chair and scrutinizing around, the first time he come to his house, he was drunk, it was dark and the only room they wanted to in was bedroom.

_"You have a nice place."_ said Iwaizumi..

_"Thanks.."_

_"But I'm planing to move out soon."_

_"To a place closer to Uni."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi only nodded and didn't say anything.

Ushijima licked his lips and take a deep breathe.

_"Well..."_

_"It's been a while since we see each other."_

_"And seeing your text after weeks made me really happy."_

_"I really thought you won't let me see you after weeks of silence."_ said Ushijima.

_"I'm sorry.."_

_"But I needed a little time."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"I see."_ said Ushijima.

Ushijima looked away. Tension between was making him even more nervous.

 _"But since you contact me, you made a decide, right?"_ asked Ushijima.

 _"Yes! I did."_ said Iwaizumi. With a serious face. While looking into Ushijima's eyes.

_"Look, if I say I get over Oikawa, it would be nothing but lie."_

_"If I say I don't love Oikawa anymore, it would be lie."_

_"If I say right now Oikawa comes and says he wants me, I would go with him."_

_"But, also if I say I don't have a weak part for you, it would be a lie."_

_"I want to be loved fearlessly."_

_"But I'm also a coward."_

_"I'm selfish."_

_"I'm not a good person."_

_"What I'm doing to you right now is so fucking unfair."_

_"So unfair but I still want you to love me."_

_"I want you to love me." said Iwaizumi._

_"Make me love you."_

_"Make me love you more than anyone."_ said Iwaizumi.

Those words not exactly what Ushijima wanted to hear but it's okay. Iwaizumi come to him. He chose him. Doesn't matter who's #1 in his heart now. Iwaizumi is in his arms right now and it's all that matter. Ushijima trusts himself, he trust the love he has for Iwaizumi. With enough time, Iwaizumi will fall for him.

That was what Ushijima thought...

********

Kissing the lips he dreamed to taste again for weeks, leaving marks on the body he dreamed to touch again for weeks, becoming one with the person desired for months. Ushijima felt like a brat for thinking like that. Felt like a brat for feeling like it's his firt time.

He was moving slowly, carefully, gently insede of Iwaizumi, try to find his sweet spots, give me the pleasure, listen to the moans he is making because of Ushijima.

"What a great pleasure." Ushijima thought.

He never felt that good, their blood was rising, their body was getting hot and wet. Ushijima was watching Iwaizumi's wet eyelashes, his dark brown eyes, flushed cheeks. A sight that Ushijima won't forget.

  
even after they done, their bodies didn't calm down for awhile, Iwaizumi's body was still shaking, could not control his breathe. Ushijima sleep next to him, got closer to him, he hugged him from behind.

                                                                                                 ********

_"Let go."_

_"It's..hot."_ said Iwaizumi. He seemed like shy

Ushijima didn't get it why he is getting shy when they just did more embarrassing than a simple hug.

 _"Don't be shy."_ said Ushijima. Without thinking.

Iwaizumi kicked insensitive guy's stomach with his left elbow...

_"Ouch!"_

_"What was that?"_ asked Ushijima. His stomach was aching but didn't plan to let to Iwaizumi.

 _"Shut up or next kick will hurt more."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"I get it but please let me stay like that more."_ said Ushijima. His voice was as if he's begging.

 _"Fine."_ said Iwaizumi...

"It's not that hot to stay like that" Iwaizumi thought.

                                                                                                 ********

After that Iwaizumi spend more time with Ushijima, to get him know better and he did go to his home lesser. Mostly because Matsukawa and Hanamaki won't stop tease him about Ushijima. They was having way too much fun. And they even ask to go a double date. Them going a double date is a nightmare comes true for Iwaizumi. He's not sure how night would end.

Everything was good, he was happy. Him and Ushijima surprisingly was a weird but good couple.

And only problem was Oikawa Tooru!

Iwaizumi doesn't know how to explain that to him. He doesn't want to hurt him. He doesn't want to see a broken expression on Oikawa's face. Oikawa is too precious to him, so he run away from him. Iwaizumi knows if he see Oikawa, he will get there is something Iwaizumi hides from him so he runs away from him. He wants to see Oikawa so much, he missed him so much but sometimes he thinks may be it's the best. Maybe the distance between is good for them, Iwaizumi still has feeling for Oikawa, they didn't clam down, still very alive and Iwaizumi afraid, afraid of seeing him after long time would confuse him. And if something like that happens it would hurt Ushijima badly which is the last thing Iwaizumi wants.

_"Hajime!"_

_"Come to bed."_ yelled Ushijima. He sounded sleepy.

 _"Coming!"_ said Iwaizumi.

                                                                                                 ********

_12:09 a.m._

**_10 missed call._ **

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Open your phone Iwa-chan!!!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_We need to talk!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Iwa-channnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Is it true?_

_Is it true that you're dating Ushikawa??????????_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Iwa-chan answer me!!!!!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Please say they're lying._

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Iwaizumi don't_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Don't do it to me._

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Don't do it to us._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for all grammar mistakes!!


	7. goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you, Iwaizumi Hajime."
> 
> "I love you so much."
> 
> "So much that I can't hadle anymore."
> 
> "And that's why I will let it go."

It's been days, weeks, since Iwaizumi start to go out Ushijima and everything is annoyingly good. Going out with Ushijima, eating with Ushijima, holding hands with Ushijima, kissing with Ushijima, sleeping with Ushijima, having sex with Ushijima, waking up with Ushijima is surprisingly good. That's why Iwaizumi can't help but feel like it's nothing but an illusion, it's not reality. But it's. The man holds his hands is real, the man looks at his eyes with love is real.

"I don't deserve this." Iwaizumi thought many times. While kissing Ushijima, while sleeping with him..

He can't help but think he doesn't deserve this happiness. Not when this happiness will break Oikawa's heart. When Oikawa hear Iwaizumi is dating with Ushijima. Someone Oikawa desperately dislikes, sees like someone he should beat.

Iwaizumi afraids of when Oikawa hears it, he won't want to see Iwaizumi ever again. He afraids of Oikawa hears it, he will hate him.

That's why the main reason Iwaizumi still haven't told Oikawa about them. The main reason Iwaizumi haven't see Oikawa for weeks.

He's afraid.

                                                                                                          ********

Ushijima wake up around 09:45 a.m. Iwaizumi was still sleeping quietly, Ushijima run his fingers through Iwaizumi's hair.. Ushijima was happy. That was what he wanted.

Then he remembered how Iwaizumi come to see him yesterday, come to get him. Ushijima was thought he come to see Oikawa, he come to talk with Oikawa. Although they're dating, Ushijima didn't thought he come for him, althought they start to dating, Ushijima still didn't believe there is a reason for Iwaizumi to come for him because Oikawa was still the man Iwaizumi is in love with. But he did. Iwaizumi come for him, not Oikawa. He smiled for him. He hold his hand. He take them to the bed. He was wanted him, even begged Ushijima to be inside him....

Ushijima took a deep breathe and prayed for the continuation of this happiness forever..

And go back to sleepin again. It's still early for them, it's weekend, they have time for laziness..

12:09 a.m.

Beeeeep..

**_10 missed call._ **

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Open your phone Iwa-chan!!!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_We need to talk!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Iwa-channnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Is it true?_

_Is it true that you're dating Ushikawa??????????_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Iwa-chan answer me!!!!!_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Please say they're lying._

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Iwaizumi don't_

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Don't do it to me._

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Don't do it to us._

  
Ushijima wake up (once again) with the way he hates most; Phone voice...

 _"Sorry, it's mine.."_ said Iwaizumi. He was already wake up and coming from bathroom. Seems like he took a shower.

 _"It's okay.."_ said Ushijima..Looked at the clock.

_"It's late already.."_

_"I need to pack up stuffs, you know."_ said Ushijima.

He was closer to phone so he took it to give Iwaizumi but then saw Oikawa's name and some message.

"He finally knows." Ushijima thought.

The time Ushijima wanted to come finally is here. From now Iwaizumi will only belong to him. Ushijima knows he is selfish for wanting Oikawa and Iwaizumi's bond break. For wishing they would not see each other again but there is no way he can stop himself.

_"It's from Oikawa..."_

_"Seems like he knows about us."_ said Ushijima, inferentially.

 _"What?"_ asked Iwaizumi. He freezed and drop his phone.

Ushijima didn't expect to see such a reaction. Ushijima didn't want to see such a reaction.

But there is nothing he could do about it, Iwaizumi told him that he's still very much in love with Oikawa and he accept it so he didn't have right to getting hurt over this things.

_"Calm down, Hajime."_

_"It's not like you can hide it from him forever."_

_"It's a good thing that he knows anymore."_

_"You don't have to lie your bestfriend anymore."_ said Ushijima, he stressed "bestfriend." hardly. He try hard to control his voice, he didn't want to sound hurt or mad or bitter but seems like he didn't have to because Iwaizumi didn't care about it, his mind already left the room, left the house. Iwaizumi was already in his own world and found a less painful way to explain this to Oikawa.

Priority was Oikawa.

Iwaizumi's priority was Oikawa. Like always.

                                                                                                          ********

**_ To: Shittykawa. _ **

_Let's meet at the library._

**_From: Shittykawa._ **

_Fine._

Iwaizumi wanted to meet at the library because although it's a saturday, people still would around and they can't make a scene at the library.

"It's a safe place." Iwaizumi thought.

When Iwaizumi about to ready, Ushijima said he is also coming. Iwaizumi reject him and told him to stay at home but Ushijima didn't listen. Iwaizumi try to tell him it's not a good idea but insist will not change anything. Ushijima is coming with him, doesn't matter if Iwaizumi is agrees or not.

                                                                                                          ********

While walking Iwaizumi was nervous, staying away from Ushijima on purpose, make sure there a distance between them. Ushijima wished he wasn't that clear, making it that clearly.

Ushijima sighed. The happiness he felt only a few hours ago suddenly seemed like a century ago...

And he really thought he could win over Oikawa like he didn on the court..

But this was real life, not a game.

"How foolish." Ushijima thought.

  
                                                                                                          ********

When Oikawa saw Ushijima behind Iwaizumi. Ushijima thought he is going to beat him or even kill him for a moment. But he didn't do anything.

 _"Why is he here?"_ asked Oikawa, calmly.

 _"Why wouldn't I?"_ asked Ushijima. Maybe he had zero chance to win Iwaizumi's heart but right now he is Iwaizumi's boyfriend and has more rights than Oikawa.

_"Because I wanted to talk with Iwa-chan alone.."_

_"Because I need to talk with Iwa-chan alone."_ said Oikawa. His voice was rising.

"Showing real colors."

"About to time." Ushijima thought.

_"Oikawa..."_

_"I know you want to be alone with me.."_

_"But he has right to be there."_ said Iwaizumi. Still nervous. He didn't want to this moment to come. He didn't want to have this conversation...

 _"Leave us alone."_ said Oikawa. Commanded.

_"I'm not going anywhere..."_

_"I'm his boyfriend, Oikawa."_

_"Like it or not."_

_"I am."_

_"Don't act like a brat."_ said Ushijima. Now he was getting pissed.

_"And I'm the man he is in love with."_

_"He loves."_

_"Not you."_

_"Dating with a man that is in love with someone else."_

_"How pathetic."_ said Oikawa. Rising his voice so loud.

"It was stupid to think Oikawa would control himself just because they're in a damn library." Iwaizumi thought.

_"Tooru!"_

_"Stop, please." s_ aid Iwaizumi, softly.

Iwaizumi looked at Ushijima.

_"Leave."_

_"I can take care of that."_

_"We really need be alone."_ said Iwaizumi.

Ushijima didn't want to but he left only because of that desperate look on Iwaizumi's face.

                                                                                                          ********

_"Why him?"_

_"Why him?_

_"Why him?"_ Oikawa repeated..

His voice breaks something in Iwaizumi's heart. He hated himself for causing that look on his face, for causing such a voice.

_"I don't know."_

_"I really don't know."_

_"But the way he looked at me was something I always wanted." s_ aid Iwaizumi.

_"I only needed time."_

_"Only some more time."_ said Oikawa.

 _"To be strong, to come out the darknees I was hiding for years."_ said Oikawa.

_"I know."_

_"But I didn't want to wait any more than this."_

_"I already have waited for years."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Waited for years?"_

_"It's been only 3 years for you."_

_"Only 3 damn years."_

_"You only have this feeling for 3 damn years."_

_"But I have since I was 12."_

_"Do you hear me? Since I was 12."_   
_"You were my first wet dream."_

_"Do you have any idea how it's feel like?"_

_"Having a wet dream about your friend which is also a boy?"_

_"Do you have any idea how hard it was?"_

_"I made myself go out with girls I don't even want to talk just to feel "normal."_

_"And it felt wrong, normal but wrong."_

_"But I kept doing because I wanted to be normal."_ said Oikawa.. He was about to cry.

_"You say, only 3 years?"_

_"Yes, I'm in love with you "only" 3 years."_

_"But this doesn't mean it was eair for me."_

_"Seeing the person you're in love with touching someone else, kissing them, saying "I love you." is not easir, Oikawa."_

_"You kept say "I love you" to them not to me."_

_"You still haven't say those words to me."_

_"The opposite, you told me;"_

_"You can't see me in that way,_

_You can't imagine touching or kissing me._

_Can't imagine waking up in the same bed."_

_"Do you have any idea how much those words hurt me?"_

_"Do you have any idea, Oikawa?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

_"You didn't have to date Ushijima just because you were hurt"_

_"You didn't have to open your legs for him just because you were hurt."_ said Oikawa.

He regret it the second he said those words but it was too late...

Iwaizumi was shocked, he didn't expect to hear those words from Oikawa.

_"Yes I did. I did it because I was hurt."_

_"And not even only for him."_

_"I opened my fucking legs for anyone."_

_"Anyone would be fine as long as I wasn't alone in the bed."_

_"But I never lied myself."_

_"I'm gay, Oikawa."_

_"And I'm not hidding it."_

_"I'm not try do things that I don't want to."_

_"I didn't lower myself that much."_ said Iwaizumi.

It's as if they both try to hurt each other on on purpose. Break their precious bond on purpose. And it was working, their bond that everyone always envy was breaking.

 _"I'm done."_ said Iwaizumi..

_"I never wanted to hurt you."_

_"I just want to be happy."_ said Iwiazumi.

 _"I'm sorry."_ said Oikawa.

 _"I'm really sorry."_ said Oikawa.

_"I only thought myself."_

_"My scars."_ said Oikawa.

_"Well, it's okay.."_

_"I'm the same."_

_"We both are selfish."_ said Iwaizumi. He forced himself to smile.

 _"Oikawa, it will be better if we don't see each other for a while."_ said Iwaizumi.

He didn't want to do it but it's something they have to do it; Stayin away from each other.

 _"Yes, it will better."_ said Oikawa.

Didn't mean it.

Iwaizumi trun his back and walked away....

_"I love you, Iwaizumi Hajime."_

_"I love you so much."_

_"So much that I can't hadle anymore."_

_"And that's why I will let it go."_

_"That's why I will give on you."_

_"I will pray for your happiness."_ said Oikawa. With a low voice.

This was a goodbye. A goodbye to his old self. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> only two or three chapter left. Wonder what will happen....
> 
> Once again, I apologize for grammar mistakes.


	8. brand new shittykawa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was changing him and not in a good way.

It's been almost two mouths since that fight between Oikawa and Iwaizumi and since then they didn't see each other, talk or even text each other. They act like they don't even know each other. When Iwaizumi go to Uni to see Ushijima, he had to ignore Oikawa, he had to act like he doesn't know him. Iwaizumi is not sure if it's ridiculous or tragic to act like he doesn't know him when he knows him since they were 4-5 years old.

Sometimes Iwaizumi thinks that if it would be better if he didn't confess his feeling, if it would be better if he didn't say "I love you."

Sometimes wishes go back in time and stop himself. Go back in time and not go to that classroom. Not see Oikawa's sleeping face. Not fall for him. Go back in time and change everything.

Sometimes he wake up in the middle of the night and see Ushijima next to him and see him like a stranger.

Sometimes Iwaizumi thinks he messed up everything. Just messed up..

He ruined himself, Oikawa and Ushijima.

                                                                                                           ********

_"-jime.."_

_"Hajime.."_ Ushijima repeated.

 _"Yes?"_ said Iwaizumi. With a pensive voice.

 _"I said Oikawa start to go out with someone."_ said Ushijima.

_"Ohh!"_

_"Good for him."_

_"I hope he could be happy with his new girlfriend."_ said Iwaizumi. He didn't expect to Oikawa date with someone that soon.

 _"It's not a girlfriend."_ said Ushijima. While washing tomatoes.

Ushijima was cooking tonight. Like most of night. Iwaizumi can't cook for shit.

 _"Excuse me?"_ said Iwaizumi. He raised his left eyebrow, he didn't expect to hear it.

_"He's dating with a team mate."_

_"He's new in the team. "_

_"And really good looking."_ said Ushijima. He knows he didn't have to add the fact that Oikawa's new boyfriend is a beauty but wanted to see Iwaizumi's reaction.

He wants to see if it will hurt Iwaizumi. He wants to see if Oikawa is still effects him.

_"I--I-I'm glad for him..."_

_"Seems like he doesn't lie to himself anymore."_

_"Really, good for him." s_ aid Iwaizumi. Try to hard to hide the pain on his face.

He got close to Ushijima, give his shoulder a small hit.

 _"But don't praise another man's beauty in fort of your boyfriend."_ said Iwaizumi and bite Ushijima's lips. Hard. It even bleeded.

While Iwaizumi's licking his lips that cover with Ushijima's blood somehow he looked like a vamprie.

"I really wish that it was me who you got jealous of but your face is telling everything." Ushijima thought.

                                                                                                           ********

It's been months since they start to go out, it's been months since Oikawa and Iwaizumi didn't see each other, Ushijima thought if Iwaizumi doesn't see Oikawa, it would be more easier for him, If Iwaizumi didn't see him, he would forget Oikawa, he could move on, get over. But reailty is quite the opposite, in the reailty is Iwaizumi even more in love with Oikawa, he desire Oikawa even more than before, he wants Oikawa more than before, Ushijima could see it so clear but he plays dumb cause he got no other option but play dumb, although Iwaizumi still doesn't love him as much as Ushijima wish, he still doesn't want to let go of Iwaizumi. He even wants Hajime more than before. Iwaizumi is belongs to him. Iwaizumi is his.

The more Ushijima gets insecure the more he becomes possessive. When Hajime come to his home after that talk at library. Hajime told about his past relationships, the one-night stand, how he used people as replacement of Oikawa. Ushijima knows Hajime told him those things because he doesn't want to any secrets, any lies, but sometimes Ushijima wish Hajime wasn't that honest with him.

Hajime still doesn't realize how easily jealous Ushijima gets. How Ushijima wants to keep him in a locked place that nobody knows. How Ushijima wants nobody but himself to touch him. How he gets mad when he is having sex with Hajime because he thinks of Hajime's ex's. How he leave bite marks, kiss marks on his body to just to show other people Hajime is his.

"I'm not good as you think" Ushijima thought while coming inside of Hajime. While marking him.

 

                                                                                                           ********

**_From: Mattsun._ **

_Can we meet?_

If you're not mad at me anymore.

Hajime didn't expect to Matsukawa be one to break weeks of silence. After that fight between him and Oikawa, Hajime took his anger on Matsukawa and Hanamaki, it wasn't mature to do it when they didn't anything wrong but Hajime needed to took his anger on something and they was only persons he could.

After all it was them who told Oikawa about Hajime and Ushijima and although they did it because they thought Oikawa has right to know, it wasn't something they could tell.

**_To: Mattsun._ **

_Sure._

_Did something happen?_

**_From: Mattsun._ **

_We break up._

_Makki and I are break up.._

**_To: Mattsun._ **

_What?_

_How?_

_Why?_

**_From: Mattsun._ **

_The reason is doesn't matter._

_But I don't want to be alone._

_Hajime was already on his way to train station._

**_To: Mattsun._ **

_Where are you?_

**_From: Mattsun._ **

_Home._

_I'm at home._

**_To: Mattsun._ **

_I'm coming soon._

Hajime left a note for Ushijima. And closed the door, harshly.

"What the hell happened." Iwaizumi thought.

**_To: Shittykawa._ **

_Hanamaki and Matsukawa are break up._

                                                                                                           ********

Oikawa and Iwaizumi was in front of door at the same time.

Seeing each other for the first time after a long time. Iwaizumi wanted to hug him. He wanted to grab his hands. Steal his lips.

"Nothing is chaged."

"Everyting is the same."

"I can not give up." Iwaizumi thought.

But the look on Oikawa's face was something he didn't see before. Oikawa was happy to see him but not like Iwaizumi wanted.

"Only he chaged." Iwaizumi thought.

"So that's how looks at his friends." Iwaizumi thought.

There was always something special on Oikawa's eyes when he looks at him. A special spark.. But at that moment Iwaizumi doesn't see that special spark.

"It's a new Oikawa Tooru." Iwaizumi thought.

"And this new Oikawa, doesn't in love with me." Iwaizumi thought.

                                                                                                           ********

Oikawa greet Hajime with his head and knocked the door.

Then the last person they expect to see opened the door;

Takahiro Hanamaki..

                                                                                                           ********

He was half naked and had a cheeky grin on his face.

_"Oh, you guys."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Why you two are here?"_ asked Hanamk.

_"Why?"_

_"I hear you and Matsukawa are break up and I immediately came."_ said Oikawa.

 _"We break up?"_ He raised his right eyebrow.

 _"I never heard such a thing."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"That was what Iwaizumi texted me."_ said Oikawa.

"Iwaizumi?" Since when that shitty head start to call me " Iwaizumi"??" Iwaizumi thought.

They both looked Iwaizumi.

_"Stop it. Both of you."_

_"That  also was what Matsukawa texted me."_

_"Asking if we could meet because he don't want to be alone because you and him break up."_ said Iwaizumi.

Hanamki shaked his head and sighed.

 _"That dummmy."_ said Hanamaki.

_"We only had a small fight."_

_"Nothing important."_

_"We're okay."_

_"Better than okay."_

_"Sex after fight is the best."_

_"But I still have to give him a punishment for making fuss."_

_"So leave or stay and watch."_ said Hanamaki

 _"It will be definitely better if we leave."_ said Iwaizumi and Oikawa.

 _"Fine then."_ said Hanamaki. With a smile on his face and closed the door.

                                                                                                           ********

Walking the street without talking or getting close to each other. The only sound was their breaths.

"When did we become like that?"

"When did we grow that apart?"

"Is it my fault?"

"Is am I to blame?" Iwaizumi thought.

Them being like that was harder than he thought, painful than he thought.

It was him who said they should be staying away from each other.

Not even one time.

It was him who said Oikawa should leave him alone.

But he never thought Oikawa actually would do it.

Iwaizumi never thought Oikawa actually would give up on him.

He thought too highly of himself

He thought he's irreplaceable for Oikawa.

"How foolish." Iwaizumi thought.

                                                                                                           ********

Iwaizumi was the who broke the silence.

_"Sorry."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Why are you sorry, Iwaizumi?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"You know, asking you to come here when there wasn't anything important."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Well, you didn't know it."_

_"You thought our friend needed us and you texted me."_

_"To be honest I would be mad if you didn't."_

_"So don't be sorry, Iwaizumi."_ said Oikawa.

_"And it's the other thing."_

_"You know you still can call me "Iwa-chan."_

_"No need to stop._ " said Iwaizumi.

Crazy how much Hajime misssed to Oikawa call him "Iwa-chan."

_"I know I can."_

_"But I prefer to not."_ said Oikawa. He seemed like bothred about it.

 _"Why?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Don't ask questions that will only break you."_ Iwaizumi thought.

 _"I have good reasons plus my boyfriend doesn't like it."_ said Oikawa. He's really bothered.

 _"Your boyfried...." s_ aid Iwaizumi. He wasn't hinting anything.

He took a deep breathe.

_"I'm happy for you, Shittykawa."_

_"You finally set free yourself."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Thank you, Iwaizumi."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Your words means a lot."_ said Oikawa.

 _"What kind of person is he?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

"Don't ask questions that will only break you." Iwaizumi thought.

"You really don't want to know." Iwaizumi thought.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, Iwa-chan." Oikawa thought.

_"He's a good person. "_

_"Honest, a little bit cold and.."_

_"And too hot."_ Iwaizumi completed Oikawa's words.

 _"How do you know?"_ asked Oikawa. Looked surprised.

 _"Ushijima told me."_ said Iwaizumi. He laughed, sounded more like crying than laughing.

_"He talked about another guy in fort of his boyfriend."_

_"Can you believe him?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Not at all."_ said Oikawa. Oikawa laughed.

 _"Do you like him?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

"Don't ask questions that will only break you." Iwaizumi thought.

_"Iwai-"_

_"Answer me, Oikawa."_

_"Do you like him?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

"It is too obvious; Iwaizumi needs to hear it." Oikawa thought.

 _"Yes, I do."_ said Oikawa.

 _"I do like him."_ said Oikawa.

                                                                                                           ********

The first time Oikawa saw Akio Touma was at a train station. He was standing out with his white skin, dark blue eyes, light brown hair. He was tall as much as Oikawa. His eyes was cold as ice. And has such a mystery aura. It would be a lie if Oikawa say his beauty didn't effect him.

The second time he saw him was at a club. He was looking good like the first time Oikawa saw him. And even better.

The third time he saw him was at his bed while lying naked. It was the first time Oikawa had sex with another guy and it felt too good. He never felt that good. Sex was something he should do. He saw it something as a duty but for the first time his body felt pleasure. The real pleasure.

The fourth time he saw him was at his uni, in his court. He was his team mate, class mate.

For a moment Oikawa thought it's destiny.

                                                                                                           ********

Hajime took a deep brathe and then hit Oikawa's arm.

_"Good for you."_

_"I'm happy for you."_ said Iwaizumi. With a smile on his face.

Oikawa wasn't sure if Iwaizumi was telling the truth. He mean it. His smile was real or not. Oikawa wasn't sure. Could not see Iwaizumi's real colours.

_"Iwaizumi."_

_"There is something I want to ask you."_ said Oikawa.

 _"I'm listening."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"I know we're still on "stay away each other" pase but can you come with me this weekned to my home?"_ asked Oikawa.

_"What?"_

_"Why?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"I'm going to tell my family."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Tell them what?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"The truth about myself."_ said Oikawa.

_"Oh!"_

_"Are you sure about that?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"Pretty sure."_ said Oikawa.

_"Okay."_

_"But would not it better if you go with your boyfriend?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

_"I knew you're going to ask it."_

_"To tell the truth, probably."_

_"But I want you next to me."_

_"I need someone knows me for a long time."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Whatever you need but I need to ask Ushijima before."_ said Iwaizumi.

"Of course, you do." Oikawa thought.

"Do you need to ask Ushijima for breathing as well, Iwa-chan?" Oikawa thought.

 _"I'll talk to him."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Oikawa, it's not a idea."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Not anymore."_

_"I'm not try to get you Iwaizumi."_

_"I need my friend."_

_"I don't think he would refuse this."_ said Oikawa.

_"Oikawa--"_

_"Let me handle this, Iwaizumi."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Just be next to me when I need you the most."_ said Oikawa.

"Playing too unfair." Iwaizumi thought.

_"Fine."_

_"But I'm not responsible if you get a punch on your face."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Deal."_ said Oikawa.

                                                                                                           ********

The next morning Oikawa saw Ushijima on compus. He didn't look like he was on a good mood.

"Come on, Tooru." Oikawa thought.

 _"Hey, Ushikawa."_ said Oikawa. Witha a sweet voice.

 _"Hi."_ said Ushijima. With a cold voice.

Not a good sign.

 _"Can we talk?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"We're already."_ said Ushijima.

Another not a good sign.

 _"True.."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Say it or I'm going." s_ aid Ushijima.

_"Fine, fine."_

_"Can Iwaizumi come with me this weekend to my home?" a_ sked Iwaizumi.

_"Huh?"_

_"What the hell?"_ asked Ushijima.

A better reaction than Oikawa thought.

 _"I will my family about myself this weekned and I need my bestfriend."_ said Oikawa.

"NO."

"Stay away from Hajime."

"He's mine."

"Belong to me."

"I don't give a shit if you need your best friend."

"I'm not letting him."

"Take your boyfriend with you and stay far away from mine." Ushijima wanted to say those words.

But even imaging himself saying those words loud make his boold freeze. It can't be him. It wasn't him. Ushijima is scared of himself.

 _"Sure, if you need your bestfriend."_ said Ushijima.

                                                                                                           ********

That night Iwaizumi come to Ushijima's house. He was already staying at Ushijima's house most of time but lately he wasn't because he was too busy with his studies. Iwaizumi wanted to be a teacher and it was hard to be one. Ushijima was too happy when he saw Iwaizumi in fort of his door. He come to him a day before he go with Oikawa to see his family.

That night Ushijima wasn't easy on Iwaizumi. In fact he was too rough. Sex was hard but Ushijima make sure Iwaizumi having pleasure, he make sure he didn't hurt his soul or body. But left countless bite marks on Iwaizumi's body, left countless kiss marks on his body. He marked Iwaizumi. Like a dog.

When Ushijima wake up Iwaizumi was already left, he wasn't next to him. Ushijima took a shower and looked at himself at the mirror. He didn't know that man, he didn't know that face. The face Ushijima was seeing in the mirror wasn't him, can't be him. He was changing and not in a good way. This unrequited love, this one-sided love was changing him and not in a good way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't planning to make Ushijima a psycho or a bad guy. (( Just saying ))


	9. a joke?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What kind of joke is that?" Oikawa thought.

When Oikawa's family saw Iwaizumi and Oikawa in front of their door, they was honestly surprised because it was exam week but they was happy at the same time.

They didn't see them in such a long time so it was a good surprise but they look at them with them with such curious eyes cause it was too obvious there was a reason for them to come.

 _"I'm gay."_ said Oikawa. While holding Iwaizumi's hand. He hands was all sweaty and his whole body was shaking.

**"I'm glad Iwa-chan with me." Oikawa thought.**

**"If he wasn't my side I could never say those words loud in front of my family." Oikawa thought.**

**"I needed to feel his strength with me." Oikawa thought.**

_"I'm dating with a guy."_

_"For a few weeks."_ said Oikawa.

Oikawa prepared himself for the worst. He prepared himself for some punchs from his father or older brother.

But they didn't even seem like shocked. They seemed like it was something they was already knew.

Oikawa mother looked his son with some tears on her face and a smile.

Give him a gentle hug. Oikawa was still holding Iwaizumi's hand.

 _"I'm so proud of you sweetheart."_ said Mother Oikawa.

**_"What the hell."_ Oikawa thought.**

_"That's all?"_

_"Y'all okay with it?"_ asked Oikawa.

Never imagined such a reaction.

_"We're your family."_

_"Did you think you could hide such a thing from us?"_

_"Dumbass."_ said his older brother.

 _"Well, as a father I had different dreams about you. But if you're happy I'm okay."_ said his father.

Oikawa was about to cry. He was such a lucky idiot.

_"And I'm really happy for you two."_

_"Finally an offical couple."_ said his older sister.

Oikawa look at how they seemed like with Iwaizumi. Holding hands in front of his family while coming out. Absolutely seem like a damn couple.

 _"That's why I told you bring your boyfriend not me."_ whispered Iwaizumi. Then let go of Oikawa's hand.

 _"No, no! We're not dating. I'm just here to support that shitt-, my bestfriend I mean."_ said Iwaizumi.

Iwaizumi never want to such a misunderstanding to happen. He didn't want to see how supportive Oikawa's family would be if they were dating.

Iwaizumi took a breathe.

 _"Excuse me. I have to go and see my family and then catch the next train."_ said Iwaizumi.

He greet Oikawa family and walk out.

After a long silence

_"What does it mean?"_

_"How you two are not dating when madly in love?"_ asked his older sister.

Somehow his family more shocked about him and Iwaizumi not dating than Oikawa is gay.

_"We are not madly in love."_

_"We are not dating."_

_"We both have a relationship."_

_"Please be careful what you are saying in front of Iwa-chan."_ said Oikawa.

Then go to his old room.

                                                                                                                       ** **

He could not believe his family was only shocked about him and Iwaizumi not dating. And his sister even said "Madly in love."

**"How did they even notice it." Oikawa thought.**

**"Were we that obvious?" Oikawa thought.**

Then someone knocked his door.

 _"Can I come in?"_ asked his brother.

Tooru wasn't sure if he was ready to face with his brother but he needed his brother.

 _"Come."_ said Tooru.

Tooru was holding one of his alien bag. His mother still haven't change a single thing in his room. It was the same way the day he left home.

His brother sit next to him.

 _"Well, I didn't really thought you would let anyone get close to Hajime."_ said his brother.

_"I didn't let him."_

_"I didn't even know there was a guy after him until it was late."_ said Tooru.

**"I should not talk about this things." Tooru thought.**

**_"It's all in past."_ Tooru thought.**

_"You are an idiot."_ said older brother.

_"Just look at him."_

_"He's smart and handsome."_

_"Have a really good body."_

_"You should always been vigilant."_ said older brother.

_"Talking about this things is useless now."_

_"He's dating with someone for months."_

_"With a good guy."_

_"With a guy that loves him dearly."_ said Tooru.

 _"And you don't love him anymore?"_ asked older brother.

_"I have a relationship"_

_"I don't want to ruin it."_

_"I want to be serious with him."_

_"I want to love him."_

_"I want to be happy."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Can you really be happy without Hajime?"_ asked older brother.

_"We missed our chance."_

_"It's too late for us."_ said Tooru.

_"You two didn't even try."_

_"And because didn't even try, you will never get over him."_

_"He will be a pain in your heart."_

_"Tooru, don't give up."_

_"You love him and he loves you."_

_"You two have something very special."_

_"Don't waste it." said older brother._

_"You don't get it."_

_"I'm saying he's dating with another person...He is dating with Ushijima."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Ohh!"_ said older brother.

His brother knows who's Ushijima very well. Tooru give him many rants how much he hates him.

_"Now I see why you keep try to give up."_

_"But Tooru, you are not getting revenge from Hajime by dating with someone else, right?"_

_"You're not try to hurt him like he did you."_ asked his brother.

_"I....I don't."_

_"I would never want to hurt Hajime."_ said Oikawa.

He never thought he so but after hearing it from his brother. Oikawa wasn't sure about it.

                                                                                                                       ** **

When Oikawa back to his home, his bed, keep thinking of the words his brother told him while sleeping next to his boyfriend.

_"No."_

_"No."_

_"No."_ whispered Oikawa.

There is no way he would do that. He would never want to get revenge from Hajime. He would never hurt him on purpose.

He is not in a relationship with Akio to hurt Hajime.

Yes he's still not in love with him. Yes he still doesn't "love" him. Although that's what he told Hajime, it wasn't a lie, Oikawa likes Akio alot but it's still not "love."

Akio come to his life in a time that Oikawa needed someone the most. Oikawa wanted to be with someone the most.

Akio was a good person and a great lover. He gives Oikawa everything Oikawa needs and knows there should be some lines between even if they are lovers.

They both are not in love with each other but relationship between them makes them happy and it's easy. Their relationship about respect and support not love and plus their sex life is too good.

No, Oikawa is not try to hurt anyone.

He just made a decision.

He decided to give up on Hajime.

He decided to give up on the love he has for Hajime.

And he won't regret it.

It was the best for them.

It was the best for Oikawa, Iwaizumi and Ushijima. For everyone.

No matter how much Oikawa loved Iwaizumi or how much Iwaizumi loved Oikawa.

They wasn't meant to be.

 _"Right?"_ whispered Oikawa.

                                                                                                                       ** **

After months Iwaizumi come to that compous to see Oikawa. Felt a little nervous, a little guilty.

When he go to volleyball court and see players. He nostalgic, his old memories come to say "hi" to him. After the match they lost to Karasuno.

he never dare to be in a court again. He thought he wasn't good enough to in one. He didn't even come to there to see Ushijima. When he told that to Ushijima, he look at him with pitying eyes. Iwaizumi knows he didn't mean it. Ushijima probably thought Iwaizumi was stronger than that. But in reality Iwaizumi was weak. Too weak.

Although he didn't dare to go into a court for Ushijima, he is doing it for Oikawa. Iwaizumi felt guitly a little more. In the end he still would do anything for him. He still would face all his fears for him.

**"How idiotic." Iwaizumi thought.**

If only Tooru were know his effect on Iwaizumi.

**"Good thing, he has no idea." Iwaizumi thought.**

He took a deep breath and step in the court. And wished how his tension wouldn't affect his stomach.

His eyes were looking for Tooru but he wasn't in.

 _"Where the hell is he?"_ said Iwaizumi with a low voice.

And one of players notice him.

 _"Iwaizumi?"_ asked Kaede. Iwaizumi knows him because he's close with Ushijima and saw him with him a few times.

 _"Hi."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"What are you doing here?"_ asked another player Iwaizumi never saw before.

 _"Ushijima is not here."_ said another one before Iwaizumi had a chance to speak.

Iwaizumi knows they don't like because of the thing between him, Oikawa and Ushijima. They don't like him because he cause a fight between team mates and fighting with a mate wasn't something good for team.

 _"Hara, Sudou don't be like that."_ said Kaede. He was only one person likes Iwaizumi.

Which is a surprise because he was close with Ushijima. And he probably knows how's their relationship. He probably knows Iwaizumi is still in love with Oikawa.

_"I know that."_

_"You're talking about MY boyfriend."_

_"He was with me just a few hours ago."_ said Iwaizumi.

He knows why they don't like him, he gets why they don't like him but he won't shut up and let such an attitude.

 _"Then what are you doing here?"_ asked the guy named Hara.

 _"Come to see Oikawa."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"And I don't need to give you an explanation."_ added Iwaizumi.

His attitude was making Iwaizumi really mad.

Then a handsome guy. He had white skin, dark blue eyes, light brown hair.

**"Oikawa's boyfriend." Iwaizumi thought.**

It was too easy to notice, it was as if he was holding a sign that;

"Oikawa Tooru fucks me."

"Oikawa Tooru is my boyfriend."

Iwaizumi laughed.

**"That shitty head's taste." Iwaizumi thought.**

All of Oikawa's ex's had something similar to Iwaizumi. A part of their looks, a part of their personality. But so far that guy had nothing similar to Iwaizumi.

**"He really get over." Iwaizumi thought.**

**"I need to do the same thing." Iwaizumi thought.**

**"I have." Iwaizumi thought.**

**"For my own sake." Iwaizumi thought.**

Handsome guy got a little close to him..

He was even more handsome.

**"Dammit." Iwaizumi thought.**

Thank god, he wasn't his rival. Or he would never have a chance.

 _"Akio Touma."_ said handsome guy.

 _"Iwaizumi Hajime."_ said Iwaizumi.

They greet each other. There wasn't anything rivalry. Anything awkward.

 _"Oikawa would be here in a few minute."_ said Akio.

 _"Thanks."_ said Iwaizumi.

Then Oikawa show up. He looked like he just took a bath. He looked really good. As always.

Iwaizumi sighed.

**"I'm a hopeless case." Iwaizumi thought.**

He put his hands on his boyfriend's shoulder. Just like he used to do Iwaizumi.

**"Jealousy is an ugly thing." Iwaizumi reminded himself...**

_"Iwa-.."_ he looked like he was about to say something should not have.

_"Iwaizumi.."_

_"It's good to see you."_

_"But why are here?"_

_"Ushikawa is not here today."_ said Oikawa.

_"for God's sake..."_

_"Do I look like someone who has no idea what his boyfriend doing?"_ said Iwaizumi. With a loud voice.

His reaction made players laugh.

 _"No need to get mad, Iwaizumi."_ said Oikawa. With a cheery voice.

 _"I'm not mad."_ said Iwaizumi. With mad face.

 _"Look at your face, you are mad."_ said Oikawa.

 _"I said I'm not."_ said Iwaizumi.

_"Don't lie."_

_"Lying is bad."_ said Oikawa. He was making a silly face.

**"Tell me again, why they are not dating." players thought along with Akio.**

_"Shut up, idiot."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"So, why did you come for Iwaizumi?"_ asked Akio. Felt like have to remind himself.

 _"Oh, yes."_ said Iwaizumi.

He almost forget it.

Iwaizumi give Oikawa a wedding invitation.

 _"What's that?"_ asked Oikawa.

While looking at invitation.

 _"What do you think. Bakakawa?"_ asked Iwaizumi.

 _"A wedding invitation."_ said Akio.

_"OH MY GOD."_

_"ARE THEY GETTING MARRY?"_

_"FINALLY."_ said Oikawa. Then hugged Iwaizumi tightly.

And that hug felt too good.

Iwaizumi wanted to stay like that a little more.

But then Oikawa realized what's he is doing in front of his boyfriend.

 _"Sorry."_ said Oikawa. With a low voice. Like he did something so bad. He looked like a little kid.

**"Dummy." Iwaizumi thought.**

_"You're even happier than my sister."_

_"I didn't know you get that tried of her._ " said Iwaizumi.

_"It's not like that."_

_"Just really happy for her, for them."_ said Oikawa. He was pouting.

 _"I know. I know."_ said Iwaizumi. With a grin on his face.

 _"You are mean."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Tell me something I don't know Shittykawa."_ said Iwaizumi..

                                                                                                                       ** **

Iwaizumi look at his watch.

 _"I need to go."_ said Iwaizumi. With a hasty voice.

 _"Already?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"Yes. I only come to give you invitation."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Why? you could  just post it?"_ asked Akio.

_"Well, nobody wants to waste money for that shitty head."_

_"And they always make me do the things nobody wants to."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Iwa-chan! You meanie."_ said Oikawa.

Hearing that stupid nickname made Iwaizumi incredibly happy.

Iwaizumi knows he didn't do with intentionally. But he was still happy to hear it.

 _"When is the wedding?"_ asked Oikawa. He didn't even notice he said it.

 _"Look at the invitation, dumbass."_ said Iwaizumi.

And walked out.

Oikawa opened the invitation. The date was the same day as their high school graduation day.

Hurt to believe it's been almost a year since then.

There only left two months.

Oikawa sighed.

**"What kind of joke is that?" Oikawa thought.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending is so near.


	10. a date

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ushijima won two free tickets.

After seeing Oikawa at university made Iwaizumi realize, there no hope for them anymore. They both choose different paths. They both choose different people.

Iwaizumi choose Ushijima and Oikawa choose Akio.

They both have a relationship.

Iwaizumi can't do that to Ushijima anymore. He need to love him like Ushijima deserves. He need to treasure him like Ushijima does.

Iwaizumi clearly could see Ushijima having problems. Their relationship is hurting him, changing him.. And the new Ushijima is not someone he like to see.

Iwaizumi hates himself for what he is doing to Ushijima. But he can't let go of his hand. Iwaizumi wants his love. Iwaizumi wants him. And he will act like a lover should.

He will stop thinking about Oikawa 24/7.

He will stop.

He won't worry about him.

He already has someone next to him.

Someone looks like a nice person.

Iwaizumi saw Akio for only a few minute but he can tell he is a good person. He can make Oikawa happy. He can support Oikawa. He can be good enough for Oikawa.

Akio is a right person for Oikawa.

More than Iwaizumi ever was.

Iwaizumi sighed.

**"It's time to say goodbye to my first love." Iwaizumi thought.**

**"It take such a long time but I think I finally could do it." Iwaizumi thought.**

Iwaizumi laugh and somehow he felt free.

                                                                                                                     ** **

Ushijima had a great plan for that weekend. He win two tickets for hot spa and he is taking Iwaizumi with him. He won't accept an answer other than "yes." Iwaizumi is not bussy for a weekend after such a long time.

And they are going to spend it together but not in house like they are usual do. They only go to a few dates and that's all. They usual spend their time in house. Well, more correctly; in bed.

Ushijima has no complaint about it but for once he wants to go out and act like normal lovers. Which would be good for them since lately Iwaizumi act more close to him.

 _"Hajime.."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi come out of bathroom. He was just take a shower, towel was only covering his lover half (not completely.) His body was still wet, Ushijima could see drops of water on his collarbone. Ushijima wanted to push him down. Take him to bed. Jump on him.

 _"What's with that face?"_ said Iwaizumi. With a grin on his face.

Take a few step towards to him then kissed Ushijima's bottom lip while standing on his toes.

Ushijima was very thankful to their height difference because of it he could see such a cute part of Iwaizumi.

If a person that doesn't know Iwaizumi look at him. They could only see a tough guy. An alpa. A guy that would never kneel down for a guy and suck him. Or let a guy play with his ass. Or a guy who could easily blush. But Iwaizumi was like that and only Ushijima knows that side of him.

Iwaizumi had sex partners but they all was one-night stand and they have no idea what kind of Iwaizumi in a relationship. Not even Oikawa knows.

It's something only Ushijima knows.

Iwaizumi give Ushijima such a tempting look.

Looking into his eyes while kissing his lips, moving their tongue together as if they're dancing. Iwaizumi's saliva was coming out and Ushijima was already moving his hands on Iwaizumi's back.

 _"Waka-toshi..."_ said Iwaizumi. With a sweet voice. A sweet voice that driving Ushijima crazy.

_"Waka..."_

_"toshi..." s_ aid Iwaizum.. He uses such a sweet voice as if he's begging, as if he's praying.

**"Only I know that voice of him." Ushijima thought.**

_"Wakatoshi..."_ said Iwaizumi again but with a less sweet voice. He pulled himself back and bite his bottom lips.

 **"We're not going to do it." Ushijima thought.** To tell the truth he was a bit disappointed.

 _"You have something to say, right?"_ asked Iwaizumi while biting his lip.

**"His teasing game is in another level.." Ushijima thought.**

_"Oh! Yes, I almost forget.."_ said Ushijima. He was embarrassed of his lack of self control.

 _"I can see it.."_ said Iwaizumi.

Ushijima rolled his eyes. He can never won over him.

_"About this weekend.. We are going to hot spa.."_

_"I won two free tickets."_

_"Since you're free this weekend I thought it would be good idea.."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi raised his right eyebrow.

 _"Fine..I think it's a great idea."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"But now I have to go and dress up before I catch a cold."_ said Iwaizumi.

Ushijima didn't want Iwaizumi to get "dress up." He wanted to push him to bed. Make him moan his name. Leave even more love marks on his body.

Ushijima take Iwaizumi to bed before Iwaizumi had a chance to push him away. Jump on him, kissed his lips until they turn red.

Ushijima love to kiss Iwaizumi. Give him long hot kisses. Bit his nipples, make them turn even redder.

 _"I love you.."_ said Ushijima.

Iwaizumi didn't expect to hear it. Ushijima wasn't a person to say "I love you." often so it was such an important moment when he does.

 _"I love you too."_ said Iwaizumi.

He prayed for one day he could say it with his all heart. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's too short but because of fasting I can't write more.


	11. birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That wasn't how I planned tonight." said Ushijima. While lying on the edge of breath.
> 
> "And that's how I planned the night." said Oikawa. He spat blood. There was a cut on his mouth because he bite his tongue when Ushijima punched his face.

Ushijima stay an extra practice because he didn't have nothing to do better. Iwaizumi was at his part time job and won't be coming his place for night and he didn't want to be in his home without Iwaizumi around.

Lately Iwaizumi was at his place almost every single day and he got awfully used to seeing him around and sensing his smell. He become a part of his home already and it was one of best feelings.

The weekend that they spent at hot spa was literally amazing. They has lots of hot sex. It was only two of them and a bed. It was such a holy two days for Ushijima.

After spending hours of his life with practicing, Ushijima took a hot shower and about to leave then happened to see Oikawa, Hanamaki and Matsukawa, they was coming out of the library. They didn't notice him and walked away but Ushijima hear what they were talking about.

Iwaizumi Hajime's upcoming birthday..

Ushijima froze.

He didn't know when is Hajime's birthday. He had no idea when is his boyfriend's birthday.

Ushijima run to catch up them.

 _"Wait.."_ said Ushijima

They trun their back and see Ushijima running after them.

 _"Ushikawa?"_ said Oikawa

 _"Something happened?"_ Oikawa asked.

It was unbelievable how they away go in such a little time.

**"They really walk fast." Ushijima thought.**

_"Yes..Uhmm."_

_"When is Hajime's birthday?"_ asked Ushijima.

It hurt his pride to ask his boyfriends friends and the man he was in love with about his brithdays but at the moment he could do anything and he need to learn as fast as he could so his pride wasn't important.

_"Oh!"_

_"The boyfriend of the year didn't know such an important thing?"_ Hanamaki said. With a grin on his face.

_"Oh my!"_

_"Iwa always talking about Ushijima this, Ushijima that."_ said Hanamaki

 _"He talks about you as if you're perfect..."_ added Matsukawa.

 _"He would be really hurt if he hears his precious boyfriend doesn't even knows his birthday." s_ aid Matsukawa. Faking a sad face.

 _"Wait..That hot spa wasn't for his birthday?"_ Oikawa asked.

_"No!"_

_"I seriously don't know when is his birthday.."_ admit Ushijima, guilty.

 _"Wow..I'm speechless."_ said Matsukawa

 _"It's June 10th."_ said Oikawa. With a dull voice.

**"He says he loves him but doesn't even know his birthday." Oikawa thought.**

_"Thanks."_ said Ushijima. He was really thankful to him because the other two seemed like won't be telling him when is Iwaizumi's birthday.

Matsukawa put his arms on Ushijima's shoulders.

_"Since you forget your beloved boyfriend's birthday.."_

_"You need to do something big."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"Big as you are."_ added Hanamaki.

 _"I will make the best birthday for him."_ said Ushijima. With a great confidence..

                                                                                                                                        ** **

When Oikawa come to his home. Akio was already in bed and sleeping peacefully. Oikawa took of his clothes and slipped into bed quietly. Akio turn his back to him, Oikawa watched his sleeping face for a while. His hear didn't skip a beat like the first time he saw his sleeping face. He listen his heartbeats, it didn't felt special. Akio was just like other people for him. Oikawa probably saw a fantasy. He thought he was the right person for him because he come into his life in a time Oikawa needed someone the most.

He appeared in front of a lot times so Oikawa felt like it was destiny but it wasn't. Oikawa just want to run away from reality. He just wanted to run away from the fact that Iwaizumi was with another guy. Another guy touches him, kiss him whenever he wants. Iwaizumi was belong to another guy, it was a reality breaks Oikawa's hear into million pieces.

And Akio was his hope.

But this hope didn't last for a long time.

Oikawa doesn't want to break his heart cause Akio had such a pure heart.. Just like most of people Oikawa go out with..Akio was too good for him.

Before it's too late Oikawa need to finish things with him.

 _"June 10th."_ whispered Oikawa.

Until this year, it was Oikawa who throw a party for Iwaizumi's birthday. Oikawa was the first person to wish a happy birthday to Iwaizumi even before his family. But now Ushijima will be the first person.

Even thinking of that took Oikawa's breathe away. Made his heart ache.

Oikawa could not wink his eyes whole night.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

In the end it was a good thing Iwaizumi could not come to his place that night. He has time to think what kind of surprise he could do for his birthday but if he was with Ushijima, he could not focus on anything but him. He could not think of anything but him.

Ushijima had to something special for his birthday, Ushijima doesn't plan to admit the fact that he didn't know about his birthday but he need to do something good to get over this guilt.

He needed not only throw an amazing a party for him but need to find a great gift for him. A special one.

But it was such a hard thing because Iwaizumi is someone easy to make happy. He doesn't like big things. He doesn't want big things.

So anything could make him happy and finding one is hard.

He has an idea for gift but birthday part was such a problem and Ushijima needed help. He needed help from people know Iwaizumi the best. And that person is nobody other than Oikawa Tooru.

Wanting help from Oikawa was too difficult for Ushijima but he could do everything for Iwaizumi.

**"Hajime is worth everything." Ushijima thought.**

He once swear he will make Iwaizumi happiest person and he mean it.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

June 7th.

Ushijima He already bought his gift and although he had a whole week for make a plan for Iwaizumi's birthday but he still could not find what kind of party they should do for his birthday.

**"I need help." Ushijima thought.**

**_To: Oikawa Tooru._ **

_Can we meet before practice._

It's been hours since Ushijima texted him and he still reply to him. Ushijima knows how fast is Oikawa at texting back. Whenever Iwaizumi text him, he text back him almost in seconds.

**_To: Oikawa Tooru._ **

_It's about Hajime._

His phone light up after two seconds.

**_From: Oikawa Tooru._ **

_Meet with me at cafeteria._

_I have things to do before practice._

_But I think I can spare some time for you if it's about Iwa-chan._

**"Of course, you would." Ushijima thought.**

**"And since when did you start to call him "Iwa-chan" again?" Ushijima thought.**

**_To: Oikawa Tooru._ **

_Thanks._

**_From: Oikawa Tooru._ **

_Anything for Iwa-chan._

Ushijima didn't text back him after that. And yes he really does hate asking help from Oikawa about Iwaizumi.

Ushijima sighed.

Then his phone light up again.

**_From: Hajime._ **

_How was the night without me?_

**_To: Hajime._ **

_Like a hell._

**_From: Hajime._ **

_Good._

**_From: Hajime._ **

_You deserve it for actually daring to kick me out of bed._

**_From: Hajime._ **

_I didn't beat you enough for that._

**_To: Hajime._ **

_For the millionth time. It was an accident. I didn't mean it._

_Just forgive me already._

**_From: Hajime._ **

_Like hell I would._

One night while they was sleeping Ushijima unwillingly kicked out Hajime out of bed in the middle of night. Right after they had a rough sex (just like Hajime always likes.) and while his ass was aching. Ushijima kicked Hajime from his hot damn ass. Ushijima try to explain he didn't mean it, it was an accident. But of course Hajime didn't listen him and give him a few good punch and even made Ushijima sleep at on couch for days.

It's been weeks since then but Hajime still didn't get over it.

**_To: Hajime._ **

_I'm sorry. (Again)_

**_From: Hajime._ **

_Like hell I would accept._

Ushijima sighed.

**_To: Hajime._ **

_Are you coming tonight?_

**_From: Hajime._ **

_No!_

**_From Hajime._ **

_I will come the day after tomorrow._

"He will come a day before his birthday." Ushijima thought.

**_To: Hajime._ **

_I already miss you._

**_From: Hajime._ **

_Don't worn out yourself at practice._

Ushijima could imagine Iwaizumi's blushed face.

**_To: Hajime._ **

_When I did that?_

**_From: Hajime._ **

_Oh, yes!_

_An old habit of mine._

_Sorry._

**_To: Hajime._ **

_it's hard to get over old habits_.

_**From: Hajime.** _

_See you later.._

Ushijima shake his head.

Sometimes he can be too dumb.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

When Ushijima arrived cafeteria Oikawa was with Matsukawa and Hanamaki as well.

**"Good!" Ushijima thought. He mean it.**

It was a good that Oikawa and him would not be alone and the fact that he bring up two person knows a lot thing about Iwaizumi as well.

They could plan a perfect birthday party for Iwaizumi.

 _"Hi."_ said Ushijima. With such a gentle voice that he doesn't use most of time and only to Iwaizumi.

Greet them with such a warm smile.

 _"Who the hell are you?"_ Matsukawa asked.

 _"Mattsun, give me pain killers cause it's too painful to watch."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Are you ok?"_ Oikawa asked.

No one of them saw Ushijima in such that good mood so he ignored their mean meeting. And sit on a chair next to Hanamaki.

 _"Thanks for coming."_ said Ushijima

 _"I really needed help."_ said Ushijima.

 _"Welcome, but can you start talking?"_ said Hanamaki.

 _"We don't have much time."_ added Matsukawa.

Ushijima hear from Iwaizumi that they have been too busy lately. They probably only come here because Oikawa asked them and said it's about Iwaizumi.

Somehow Ushijima envy their friendship.

_"Right..About Hajime's birthday.."_

_"I want to do a great part for his birthday."_

_"His sister's wedding is a week after his birthday."_

_"And because of it, his family probably won't even have time for him."_

_"So I want to do something special for him."_

_"Something makes him happy."_ said Ushijima.

 _"Yes! That is the boyfriend of the year Iwaizumi always talked about."_ said Hanamaki

 _"Nice to finally meet you."_ said Matsukawa

Oikawa rolled his eyes.

 _"I think we could a cosplay theme."_ said Ushijima.

 _"We're not 10 anymore, Ushiwaka-chan."_ said Oikawa and refused the idea before he even thought of it.

 _"Plus I don't think such a theme would fit for Iwaizumi." s_ aid Matsukawa and agreed with Oikawa.

Hanamaki keep quiet about it.

_"I know, it would not mature for him."_

_"That's why I want to do it."_

_"Iwaizumi may seems like an old man but in fact he is still very much like a child."_ said Ushijima

After he said he recalled Iwaizumi's seductive looks and moans.

 _"Well, most of time."_ added Ushijima. With a light flushed face.

 _"Pervert._ " said Hanamaki.

It was as if all of them could read his mind.

 _"Sorry."_ Ushijima admit his thoughts.

Oikawa made an annoyed face.

This wasn't why he was here to talk.

 _"If that's all I'm going."_ said Oikawa. And made a move to stand up but Ushijima stopped him.

 _"Don't leave before we make a good plan."_ said Ushijima.

Oikawa sit up one again. Only for Iwaizumi..

_"Well, I still think it's a bad idea but if that's what you want."_

_"Do it."_

_"In the end Iwa-chan would only care the fact that we remember his birthday not the place."_ said Oikawa. And he shrugged. He didn't have any more word than this. He didn't have any more time than this.

 _"Agree with Oikawa._ " Hanamaki said and Matsukawa nodded.

Since everyone accept his idea. Willingly or unwillingly. The decision was given, they will do a cosplay party for Iwaizumi's birthday.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

_"What we're going to cosplay?"_ Hanamaki asked.

_"I don't know but Makki and I are going to be Sebastian and Joker from Black Butler."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"I want to do Star Wars."_ Oikawa jumped on conversation while holding a milk bread.

_"Since it's Hajime's birthday."_

_"I think we should do what he likes."_ said Ushijima.

 _"I won't wear an ugly dinosaur costume."_ said Oikawa.

 _"The same goes for me."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"It's not a problem for me._ " said Matsukawa.

Oikawa and Hanamaki looked at Matsukawa with judging eyes and Matsukawa shrugged off.

 _"I think Iwaizumi would like it."_ said Matsukawa.

 _"Maybe when he was 10._ " said Hanamaki.

 _"He still has a childish part."_ said Ushijima. He could not stop his face from blushing.

_"Stop talking about that part of him with that flushed face."_

_"It's disgusting."_ said Oikawa.

_"I'm still against."_

_"I can't flirt with anyone with in ugly dinosaur costume."_ said Oikawa.

They looked at Oikawa in shock.

 _"I don't think Akio would approve it."_ said Hanamaki.

_"Oh.."_

_"Right! I still haven't tell you guys."_

_"Akio and I are break up last week."_ said Oikawa.

 _"What?"_ Matsukawa asked.

 _"When?"_ Hanamaki asked.

 _"Why?"_ Ushijima asked.

 _"Thing just didn't work out."_ Oikawa said.

 _"I thought everything was okay."_ Hanamaki said.

 _"I thought you loved him."_ Matsukawa said.

 _"It's not because of Hajime, right?"_ Ushijima asked.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki looked at Ushijima such surprised eyes. They didn't expect to ask him that that directly.

 _"No, it's not because of Iwa-chan._ " Oikawa lied.

Nobody didn't believe his words for even a second.

**"That's why start to call him "Iwa-chan" again." Ushijima thought.**

Asking help from Oikawa made Ushijima even more uncomfortable.

As long as Oikawa had a partner he wasn't a threat but now he was as if a bomb.

Waiting his time to blow up.

 _"Fine then."_ said Ushijima.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

June 9th. Middle of the night.

It was around 22:12 p.m. when Iwaizumi knocked Ushijima's door.

Ushijima opened the door after a few second. He looked sleepy.

 _"Hi.."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"Hi."_ said Ushijima. With a bright but tried smile on his face.

Hugged him tightly. He missed Iwaizumi so much in only a few days. They talked and texted him everyday but it wasn't enough. Never enough.

 _"Missed you."_ said Ushijima. Kissed him on his cheeks.

 _"I know."_ said Iwaizumi. Kissed him on his lips. A pure and short one.

They talked about things they missed on those a few days and then go to bed. They hugged each other and take a good sleep. Their bare skins comforted each other.

Their heartbeats and breathes was echoing in whole home.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

June 10th.

When Iwaizumi come with Ushijima to the place and saw all his friends in funny dinosaur costumes he laughed he never did before.

 _"What's that?"_ Iwaizumi asked. While laughing.

 _"For your birthday.."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Before you say anything, I shoul say it was your boyfriend's idea.." s_ aid Matsukawa.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa was wearing a small diosaur costume and Oikawa was dressed as "Owen Grady." Just like you would expected from him.

And all other friends was wearing adult realistic dinosaur costumes.

 _"It's must be good to have a rich boyfriend like Ushiwaka-chan."_ said Hanamaki.

 _"Look at the all things he did for you."_ added Matsukawa.

Iwaizumi kissed Ushijima on his lips in front of Oikawa and everyone. It was the first time Iwaizumi did it. Normally he would put a distance between them whenever they are with Oikawa.

 _"Thank you."_ said Iwaizumi. With a sincere smile.

 _"He did all those things to cover the fact that he didn't know when is your birthday."_ said Oikawa. then act like he didn't even open his mouth..

 _"Oikawa.."_ said Hanamaki. He sighed

 _"It's okay.."_ said Iwaizumi.

 _"He already did alot thing for me.."_ said Iwaizumi.

He looked at Oikawa.

 _"You won't wish me happy birthday?" I_ waizumi asked.

 _"Iwa-chaan._ "

Oikawa hugged Iwaizumi tightly. He hugged him for all this time he could not.

How he missed to be this close to him.

Feel him in his arms.

 _"Happy birthday.."_ said Oikawa

 _"I'll give you my gift later._ " added Oikawa.

 _"Didn't need to buy one."_ Iwaizumi said.

_"Don't be dumb Iwa-chan."_

_"Gifts are the point of birthdays."_ said Oikawa.

After everyone wished a happy birthday to Iwaizumi. Ushijima said Iwaizumi to wait for him at a corner away from everyone. Iwaizumi did what Ushijima told him.

Ushijima looked at a small box that he took of the pocket of his jacket. Then Matsukawa show up behind him.

 _"Is that a ring?_ " Matsukawa asked with such curious eyes.

 _"Yes."_ Ushijima admit easily.

 _"Are you going to proposal him?"_ Matsukawa asked. With wild open eyes.

 _"Maybe."_ said Ushijima.

 _"Now, please excuse me."_ added Ushijima.

 _"Sure._ " said Matsukawa.

Matsukawa look for Hanamaki fussily. He was next to Oikawa.

 _"Ushijima bought a ring for Iwaizumi.."_ said Matsukawa.

It probably wasn't a good idea to say it when Oikawa was next to them but his excitement beat him up.

 _"Say what?"_ asked Oikawa. With wild open eyes and mouth. He even drop up his glass.

_"You hear me."_

_"Just saw the ring."_ said Matsukawa. His excitement was making him blind so he didn't even notice when Oikawa gone.

 _"Night won't end well."_ said Hanamaki.

                                                                                                                                        ** **

Oikawa run after Ushijima and grabbed his arm.

 _"Don't._ " said Oikawa.

 _"Don't give him the ring."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Don't take him away from him more than this."_ said Oikawa.

When Matsukawa saw the ring Ushijima was know he would tell them immediately and Oikawa would come to look for him. Ushijima wanted to this to happen. That's why he told things to Matsukawa easily.

Ushijima looked Oikawa with such a sad eyes. He didn't know what to say. Oikawa was the first time that honest with him since Ushijima start to go out with Hajime.

_"Oikawa.."_

_"I think you have a great talent."_

_"I want to be friends with you."_

_"Once I even had a kind of crush on you."_

_"I don't want to see you in pain but.."_

_"I love him."_

_"I love him so much."_

_"I want to be with him for the rest of my life.."_ said Ushijima.

 _"I won't give up."_ added Ushijima.

_"So I do."_

_"So I want."_

_"So I won't."_ said Oikawa.

_"You already give up on him many times."_

_"How can you say you won't."_

_"You can't make him happy."_ said Ushijima.

_"No, I can."_

_"I know I can."_

_"I know we can make it work."_

_"He still loves me."_

_"He still yearn for me."_

_"How can you not see it?"_ asked Oikawa.

Ushijima sighed heavily and shook her head.

_"I can see it."_

_"It's hurts but I can see it."_

_"I know a big part of him still loves you."_

_"Still hopes for a day come and you two will be together."_

_"But I also can see a part of him wants me."_

_"Wants hold my hand."_

_"Want to love me."_

_"That's why I won't give up." s_ aid Ushijima.

 _"But you have to."_ said Oikawa.

 _"I will never."_ said Ushijima.

 _"You will."_ said Oikawa.

 _"Never."_ said Ushijima.

Alcohol and anger is not a good mix.

Oikawa was the first one to make thing turn violence.

Ushijima was stronger than him but he didn't care. He was too angry. He could not think straight. And he punched Ushijima on his face.

The same goes for Ushijima. He was sick of Oikawa's selfishness.

 _"Stay away from Hajime."_ Ushijima yelled while beating Oikawa's precious face.

 _"Hell I would."_ said Oikawa while beating Ushijima's legs.

Their faces was cover with blood. Bruises was all over their bodies.

 _"That wasn't how I planned tonight."_ said Ushijima. While lying on the edge of breath.

 _"And that's how I planned the night."_ said Oikawa. He spat blood. There was a cut on his mouth because he bite his tongue when Ushijima punched his face.

Oikawa get up and walked out.

Ushijima didn't even bothered to ask where he is going.

He already knows the answer.

To see Iwaizumi Hajime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dinosaur costumes looks like that http://www.walkdinosaur.com/pic/big/48_0.jpg
> 
> but the ones matsukawa and hanamaki wore looks like that http://www.walkdinosaur.com/pic/big/533_0.jpg
> 
> I hope it was a good chapter. 
> 
> Once again I'm sorry for my grammar.


	12. the first mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Iwa-chan, can you make a better face?" asked Oikawa.
> 
> "Make a better face when I can taste your blood on my damn mouth? I don't think I can." said Hajime.

Hajime was waiting for Ushijima just like he told him, he was nervous for his birthday present, he knows what Ushijima bought for him. Kaede give him some hints about it without noticing but already Ushijima is not type of a person could do something secretly, he was such an obvious person and that's what Hajime loves about it.

Hajime could finally say he loves Ushijima without feeling quilty about it, when he says these words he means it, his feeling for him still not strong as much as he still had for Oikawa but Ushijima slowly made a place in Hajime's heart for himself.

He doesn't know how to react when Ushijima give him the ring, he doesn't know if he's ready to make such a promise with Ushijima or with someone. He still too young, he still not sure what he wants from life, the only thing he sure is Ushijima makes him happy, Ushijima makes him feel loved. Ushijima looks at him with loving eyes which is something Hajime always long for. He doesn't judge Hajime's past, he accept Hajime with his all mistakes and flaws.

Hajime knows Ushijima is too good for him and no matter how hard he works he will never be enough for his love but Hajime needs the love Ushijima gives him.

 _"Iwaizumi.."_ said a a familiar voice but not the one he has been waiting for.

 _"Oikawa...?"_ asked Hajime. He turned to him, it was such a dark place so he couldn't see his face cleary and get a little close.

And it was such a huge shocked to him to see his best friends face to cover with blood and bruises.

 _"What the hell happened to you?"_ he gently touched his face, " _Who did this to you?"_ asked Hajime.

His voice was as if he was ready to beat up the person who did this to his precious friend.

Oikawa try to laugh but it came out too pitiful and Hajime could see it was hurting him.

 _"Why do you ask, Iwaizumi?"_ asked Oikawa and looked him with a sarcastic face. _"Do you want to beat that guy?"_

 _"Like hell I wouldn't,"_ he carefully touched his shoulder, _"who did this?"_ Hajime asked one more time.

 _"Your beloved boyfriend."_ said Oikawa with a blank face, his face was unreadable. _"Will you beat your boyfriend, Iwa-chan?"_ asked Oikawa.

Hajime almost froze. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You asked who did this to me and I'm telling who did this." said Oikawa. He still wasn't showing any expression.

 _"No, no, Ushijima would never do such a thing."_ said Hajime, he didn't want to believe this, he didn't want to believe two important person to him fought on his goddamn birthday. They would never do that. _"He hates violence."_

 _"Yes, he hates violence but I think what he hates even more when someone try to steal his boyfriend."_ said Oikawa.

Hajime almost lost it, he doesn't understand what the hell going on, what the hell Oikawa is talking about.

 _"Why would you steal--"_ Oikawa looked mat and cutt of Hajime's words and start to talk which is Hajime really thankfull because even if he talks he doesn't know what to say.

 _"Stop playing dumb, you know very well why would I want to steal you away from him."_ Oikawa got close to Hajime even more, _"You know very well why I runied his moment, runied your birthday party."_

"Hajime, I can't.. I can't be happy without you, I can't sit and watch you to fall in love with someone else other than me." He touched his face, too gently, Hajime almost melted with a simple touch and he hated how he is still weak to Oikawa.

 _"S-s-stop it,"_ Hajime barely could say, _"get away from me."_

Oikawa smirked, it was a little one but God knows Hajime looked that smirk. _"You don't look like you really mean it."_

These words made Hajime come to his senses and pushed Oikawa, he was careful to not use muchstrength because seems like Oikawa whole body was already aching and Hajime didn't want to cause any more pain to him.

 _"Ouch, Iwa-chan,"_ He looked like he was in a great pain although Hajime was carefully, _"can you please be more gentle?"_

Hajime closed the distance he just put between them to help him but as soon as he got close to Oikawa. He grabbed his wrists and seems like he wouldn't let go until he gets what he wants.

 _"Shittykawa, what the hell are you doing?"_ asked Hajime. He couldn't believe how easy he fall for that assholes trap.

Oikawa had his famous cocky smile on his face and somehow pain he felt minutes ago miraculous fade away. _"Make you listen to me."_

 _"Stop playing with me."_ Hajime try to go away from him but he forget how much Oikawa could be strong when he is serious. _"I need to find Ushijima."_

Oikawa's smirk fade away the minute he heard Hajime said Ushijima's name.

 _"Don't say his name so easily in front of me."_ said Oikawa. Hajime's didn't see that side of Oikawa much, not for himself.

 _"I'm worried about him, Oikawa."_ said Hajime.

 _"Don't be, he is fine, well not fine fine but he is a big guy and be sure he is better than me."_ said Oikawa. _"Now, stop talking about him, plus he even knows I came here to talk and give us time to talk."_

 _"What?"_ asked Hajime. He looked confushed and hard to believe Ushijima leave them alone talk when he gets jealous when Hajime mentions Oikawa name.

Hajime suddenly realize how much that two person have similarities.

 _"Iwa-chan, do you have hearing problems? All you say is "what"_  "said Oikawa. _"But I repeart cause I'm a nice person, your beloved boyfriend leave his boyfriend with the person in loves with him."_ His famous smirk show up one more time."I think he doesn't love you enough."

The words Oikawa said about Ushijima made Hajime really mad, looked at him such an angry face which is something Oikawa didn't expect to see. "Maybe he did because he trust the love I have for him, maybe he did because he tusts me." said Hajime.

 _"Yo-you love him?"_ asked Oikawa, he had such a broken expression, Hajime didn't want to cause such an expression but Oikawa was pushing limits and he have to realize it.

 _"Yes, I do."_ said Hajime, he didn't even stopped for a minute, said it more easy than he thought he could.

 _"More than you love me?"_ asked Oikawa. He wasn't sure if he wants to hear the answer but h needed to ask this question.

For the first time, Hajime stop for a minute to think, the answer was cleary a "no" but it wouldn't be good to admit it now but then if he lies about it Oikaw would immediately notice it.

 _"I--ı"_ Oikawa silented him with a kiss before Hajime had a chance to talk. The kiss didn't make him dizzy and or melted him, the kiss wasn't the one he was yearning for years, in fact it leave such a disgusting taste in his mouth, he could taste Oikawa's blood.

When they apart, Hajime was face unreadable just like his feeling, he wasn't sure how to feel about that kiss.

 _"Iwa-chan, can you make a better face?"_ asked Oikawa.

 _"Make a better face when I can taste your blood on my damn mouth? I don't think I can."_ said Hajime.

 _"Oh, right! Sorry about it."_ said Oikawa with a grin on his face.

Hajime probably did use worng words, he sounded like as if he was making that face because of tasting blood but not because of Oikawa kissed him against his will and that was the first mistake he done that night, the first of many.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for that late update, I promise the next one will be sooner.


	13. the night isn't over yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His minds was keep saying, "you made a choose", "push him away", "reject his touch" but his heart was too deaf to hear his mind, too blind to see what's the right thing.

Tooru spared Hajime's legs and pushed his hips between Hajime's legs. He start to rub Hajime's dick with his knee. Seems like Oikawa gained some confidence after Hajime opened his damn mouth without thinking.

He realized what he said after it was too late. But what makes his mind busy at the moment is the reason why Ushijima still haven't show up. Was Oikawa telling the truth after all? No, it's impossible.

Ushijima is not a jealous person but he becomes like another person when it comes to Oikawa, he can't stand the thought of him and Oikawa being alone more than a few minutes and now Oikawa tells him, he willingly leaving them alone sounds nothing but lies. He would never do something like that, not on his birthday, not when he was planning to give Hajime a ring, a sembol of a promise for the future.

Yes, Hajime can't believe it, the fact that Ushijima still haven't show up makes him think, because it's not like he doesn't know Oikawa will come to Hajime.

Did he give up? Did he just let go? Did he doesn't care about him anymore?

For the first time Iwaizumi realized how selfish is he. He doesn't want to Ushijima to give up on him but in Oikawa's arms /kind of/ at the moment. He still could feel Oikawa's lips, he still could feel how he felt when their lips finally touched.

It was something he always dreamed of, something he always yearn for, and finally his dreams finally come true but it didn't felt like he thought, in his all there wasn't nothing but guiltiness.

Oikawa lean for another kiss, Iwaizumi didn't know if he should refuse him or let him do whatever he wants. He wasn' sure if he wanted that kiss or not. He didn't want to cheat Ushijima, that was all he knew but the thing is cheating him was what he did all this time.

Maybe not physically but he did cheat Ushijima when he thought of Oikawa when Ushijima touched him, kissed him, was watching movies with him. He cheated him a lot of times but this time he was doing it for real and he felt too quilty.

His minds was keep saying, _"you made a choose",_ " _push him away"_ , _"reject his touch"_ but his heart was too deaf to hear his mind, too blind to see what's the right thing.

He loves Ushijima, he really does. He has a speacial place in Hajime's heart, he loved Ushijima for he love he had for Iwaizumi. Hajime knew Ushijima was too good for him from the very beginning, he knew no matter what Ushijima would be the one that get hurt the most.

With a blink he was tasting Oikawa's lips one more time, this time everything was much better, he didn't taste the blood and Oikawa was more gentle, Hajime still wasn't kissing him back and then he suddenly feel Oikawa's tongue in his mouth, it was hurt to breathe, Oikawa wasn't leaving him a space to run.

He felt like he gonna fall, his legs was shaking. His saliva running out of his mouth, Oikawa deepens on the kiss, Hajime's mind gone blank, he couldn't think of anything and he did his second mistake of the night and kissed him back, their tongue was dancing with a perfect harmony.

 

                                                                                                                    ** ~ **

 

Tendou was pissed, drunk and heartbroken more than anything. He was knew he souldn't come to this birthday party, after all he hates Iwaizumi with his all will and doesn't want to see the person he's in love with another person, he doesn't want to be in the same place when he gives him a ring.

If Kaede was told him about Iwaizumi's birthday present he would never show up, the only reason why he accpet Ushijima's offer was he was feeling bad how he never support his _friend_ when he start to go out with the person he is in love with.

Tendou could make a long list about why he didn't support him but the most important reason was the fact that Iwaizumi _is not in love with_ Ushijima. He doesn't look at Ushijima with loving eyes he wants to see, on the contrary Iwaizumi is in love with another person, with a person that used to Ushijima's crush.

Tendou isn't sure if it's ridiculous or tragic or both the fact that Ushijima Wakatoshi's ex-crush is now his rival at love. There was always a rival thing between them but it was always on the court and not outside, at least for Ushijima (Tendou knows how much Oikawa dislikes Ushijima) but now Ushijima sees him as a rival as well.

You would thought the rivaly thing between them in the court would come an end after they become teammates but it would be nothing but a wrong thought....

At the very first everything was okay, Oikawa was doing is what's best for the team and not mocking Ushijima but after Iwaizumi and Ushijima start to dating and then everthing become as if a nightmare for the team.

Their both jealousy was too obvious, if looks was could able to kill they both are would be died already. Whole team hated Iwaizumi for being the reason this cold war between.

But Tendou wasn't hating on Iwaizumi for that, he was hating him for only one reason and it's not being enough for Ushijima. Iwaizumi didn't deserve Ushijima. And that's all.

He want to get out of here as soon as he can do, the thought of Ushijima and Iwaizumi are making out somewhere in this place was breaking his heart. He wasn't sure if Iwaizumi would accpet the ring but he thinks _the worst for him_ and _the best for Ushijima_.

He heared a moan. _"Just my luck"_ he muttered himself. He was pretty sure someone was making out and they was Iwaizumi and Ushijima. Tendou wanted to run away then he heared another moan, it wasn't a moan of pleasure, it was as if someone is in pain.

Tendou wasn't sure if he really wanted to check it out but his curiosity beats him in the face and he walk towards to where the sound is coming.

 _"Curiosity killed the cat"_ he remind to himself for the last time but this wasn't going to stop him though.

  
                                                                                                                  ** ~ **

 

 _"O..ika..wa..."_ Iwaizumi breathe out as soon as they broke away. He was feeling too dizzy and was pretty sure his face was looking a hot mess right now.   
  
Oikawa was coming for another kiss, he wasn't giving him space at all, making his mind go all blank, making his legs shake, Oikawa wasn't showing any mercy to Iwaizumi.

 _"Sto--"_ before Iwaizumi could finish his words, he felt Oikawa's tounge in his mouth one more time. His tounge was too hot, Iwaizumi was feeling like burning.

And then his legs are finally give up and Iwaizumi fall but Oikawa catch up him quickly.

 _"Wow, Iwa-chan.."_ there was a smuggy smile o his face which was something makes Iwaizumi mad. _"Are my kisses that good?"_

 _"Go away,"_ Hajime didn't want to betrayal himself and Ushijima more than this _"I beg you, please, just go away."_ He sounded like he was about to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point I have no idea what I'm doing I'm sorry


	14. destiny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe that was what against the destiny; them being together.

Tendou saw a tall man lying on the ground, he knew it was Ushijima the minute he saw the silhouette of a man, it would not possible to be someone else, it would not be possible in such small place there would be two different person over 189 cm person...

He get close to him step by step, there was only one light that lighting up the dark room and it wasn't enough, Tendou could only see the bruises on his face after facing with Ushijima.

And of course he couldn't belive his own eyes for a few minte, he never saw Usijima had bruises, he never saw he did get into a fight to get bruises. Ushijima was never a fan of violence and would try to not use if it's not too necessary.

Up until that moment it was never be necessary for him, Tendou wondered what caused him to use violence, what caused him to get into a fight but he already knew the answer when he give it a thought.

He probably fought with Oikawa over Iwaizumi. Tendou watched all of them all the night and clearly see how jealous and mad his team mate looked like, after all he knows that look every well, he saw a few times in his own face. And probably tonight as well.

 _"What are you doing?"_ Tendou asked.

 _"Lying and thinking."_ Ushijima said, he didn't look like surprised to see Tendou.

 _"Would you mind if I join you."_ Tendou asked. He wasn't planing to leave not matter what but he thought it would be nice to ask.

 _"I would like to be...alone but do whatever you want."_ Ushijima said and let out a deep sigh. Tendou could see how confused his best friend was, how confused the man he in love was.

Ushijima was very weak at the moment, Tendou could easily take advantage from this moment and actullay had the chance he always dreamed...But he could never dared to do it. Not when he saw how much Ushijima worked for his relationship with Iwaizumi, not when he perfectly knows how much Ushijima loves Iwaizumi. Not when Ushijima was about to give a ring to Iwaizumi. Not when he was ready to live his the rest of his life with that person.

As his best friend he have to show the support he didn't until now and give him confidence to go and get his man.

 _"Waka...."_ Tendou said and take a deep breathe.. _."You should go and look for them. I have no idea what really happened but I can tell it's about Oikawa and Iwaizumi."_ Tendou was looking for strength in himself to say the words he should but don't want to.. _"You can't give up like that...Not after how much you worked for this."_ Tendou sit next to Ushijima. _"Look I know it's hard to know the person you're in_ _love with has another person in his heart but Iwaizumi loves you. He really does. Maybe not like you want but you already made a place in his heart for yourself."_ Tendou force himself to smile _."It's a huge thing Waka, why don't you see, with time and your love you made him a place for yourself. A place for you."_

_"He might have a weak spot for Oikawa but after all he was in love with him for such a long time, he is his bestfriend and you know they was always been mean alot for each other and it will be always like that. If you can't handle it you sit here and give the time Oikawa needs take Iwaizumi away from you. But if you ready for everything and want to be Iwaizumi no matter what you better move your ass."_

                                                                                                         

                                                                                                                         ** ~ **

 

Tears start to fell out from his checks, Iwaizumi just wanted to disappear, he wanted to forgot about this night, this moments. The fact that he was cheating his boyfriend.

Iwaizumi always hated cheaters, he saw with his own eyes how a deep scar it leaves the person that gets cheated when his father cheated his mother and now he was one of these people, he was just like his father.

He hates Oikawa for making him to do such a thing and he hates himself for being too weak to Oikawa.

 _"Iwa-chan..."_ Oikawa said, Iwaizumi was still in Oikawa's arms. _"Please, please don't cry."_ Oikawa begged.

Oikawa's will never was to see Iwaizumi in pain, he never wanted to see Iwaizumi blaming and hating himself. All he wished was to be with Iwaizumi. All he wanted was live a long life with Iwaizumi.

 _"Oik-awa...I can't do it.." I_ waizumi was crying in Oikawa's arms. It was the first time Oikawa see him that weak, he always was try to be infort of Oikawa for some reason he will never understand but now he was crying, loudly and he keep say "I can't."

 _"It's okay, Iwa-chan."_ Oikawa was rubbing his back. "It's okay...." He never dreamed this, he never dreamed this would go this way. He thought Iwaizumi would give up after the kiss, he wouldn't fight against the destiny after he hear how much Oikawa loves him but maybe that was what against the destiny; them being together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually was planning to write the final chapter of this but I'm still having troubles with endgame couple. I probably will write an alternative ending and I'm planing to make the next chapter the final one but Idk. 
> 
> And thank you so much for +100 kudos.


	15. best birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If someone ask Oikawa how he would describe the worst birthday, even he couldn't think of something like this.

Iwaizumi was in Oikawa's arms, he could barely hold his tears back, all he wanted was to cry and make the pain go away with his tears. He wasn't in pain because his body was hurting, it was his heart and it hurt out of guilt…

Iwaizumi Hajime was guilty, the bad guy in this story, the bad guy in his own story. Since the day Oikawa rejected him, he made so many mistakes out of sadness, shame and bitterness. When he confess his love to Oikawa he was nervous as hell, but he never thought, not even for moment, he would hear a no from Oikawa.

He was aware of the way Oikawa had always looked at him, the way Oikawa had always watched him, like you should be blind or dumb as hell not to notice, and Iwaizumi wasn't either of them. But he had to admit the fact that the main reason he had realized the way Oikawa looked at him was because he was the same as well. Oikawa was looking at him the same way Iwaizumi looked at him.

That's why when Oikawa rejected him in the worst way he could do, he lost it, he was too ashamed, he was too sad and most of all he was too bitter.

To tell the truth, when Ushijima asked him out Iwaizumi saw it as a way for him to get revenge from Oikawa, but the more Iwaizumi saw what an amazing person Ushijima was the more he hated himself for thinking like that. For thinking of using his pure feelings to get revenge from his best friend and his first and greatest love.

And that's exactly why he worked so hard to make the relationship between him and Ushijima work. There were even times that he wished he would have met with Ushijima right after Oikawa’s rejection, because maybe then Iwaizumi wouldn't live such meaningless nights and have bad experiences. Sometimes he still saw that summer night in his dreams, his first time with a man wasn't good and in those nights he wishes that his first time had been with Ushijima.

He was such a great person and lover, although he knew since the beginning that in Iwaizumi's heart there was only space for Oikawa, he was ready to fight for his own place in his heart, and he did make his own place with time and love.

Ushijima Wakatoshi was someone Iwaizumi wanted in his life, he was someone Iwaizumi needed in his life, but it wasn't the same for Ushijima, he needed and deserved someone that would love him as much as he did, he deserved someone that would love only him and this person wasn't Iwaizumi Hajime.

No matter how many times Iwaizumi had tried to run away, deny and lie to himself, the fact wouldn't change; and the fact was he would only ever love Oikawa Tooru. His heart would only follow Oikawa, even though his mind said Ushijima was the one he should be with, his heart was too blind, his heart was too used to loving Oikawa.

Iwaizumi closed his ears to his heart, after the graduation day he was too broken, not only his heart, but also his pride was broken, it took the whole summer break before he was ready to face Oikawa again.

The first time Iwaizumi had seen Oikawa after months, his whole body was shaking and his heart was aching badly, he had thought he was ready, but he clearly wasn't. He couldn't tell this to Oikawa, he was acting too normal, as if nothing happened, so he couldn't bring himself to talk about that day again.

That's how Ushijima become a place to run away from Oikawa, he was able to talk with Ushijima about everything he couldn't with Hanamaki or Matsukawa, after all they were their close friends and Iwaizumi didn't want to drag them into an awkward situations.

Surprisingly, Ushijima was a good listener, he wasn't good at giving advices, that would be a miracle come true, but still he listened to Iwaizumi, he listened to his stupid complaints, his drunk confessions, he even comforted him a few times when he started crying, which was something Iwaizumi hard to deal with. The fact that he cried in front of Ushijima Wakatoshi wasn't something easy to accept for Iwaizumi, but crying in Ushijima Wakatoshi's arms was worse.

Iwaizumi didn't texted or called Ushijima after spending hours crying in his arms, not because he didn't want to, in fact he did want to call him he needed to talk with him, but he was too embarrassed to face him.

When he finally found enough strength in himself to face Ushijima, he acted like nothing had happened, he acted like a night like that had never happened and Iwaizumi was grateful for that.

Not much after that, they stared going out, Iwaizumi thought it would be the right choice and because of their coincidental meeting, Iwaizumi thought them going out was something also God wanted.

After starting a relationship with Ushijima, Iwaizumi saw more sides of him and he loved and trusted him even more, Iwaizumi wanted to treasure him the most, he was afraid of Ushijima, afraid of how much Ushijima loved him, Iwaizumi never felt so loved before Ushijima. And Iwaizumi wanted to give him the same, he wanted to love him as much as he did, but he couldn't, no matter how much he tried.

Whenever he thought he was finally free of this painful love that made his heart a hell, and he finally could have an honest relationship with Ushijima, he caught himself thinking about Oikawa, the old times when they were always together, simple times and he actually missed it.

On the other hand, while his relationship with Ushijima was getting serious, his friendship with Oikawa was fading away.

As he thought, Oikawa didn't took it well the first time he heard Iwaizumi and Ushijima were going out. He even thought it was a kind of creepy joke and it took a while for him to believe it was real, that they were really going out.

It was one of the first times Iwaizumi had ever seen a side of Oikawa he hadn't known already. Oikawa was the jealous type, but his jealousy was childish, he would sulk for a few hours before getting over it, but when they had talked with him about his and Ushijima's relationship, Iwaizumi saw real jealousy in his eyes, they were like fire, burning.

**_"I love you, Iwaizumi Hajime."_ **

**_"I love you so much."_ **

**_"So much that I can't handle it anymore."_ **

**_"And that's why I will let it go."_ **

**_"That's why I will give up on you."_ **

**_"I will pray for your happiness."_ **

This was the first time Iwaizumi had even heard ‘I love you’ from Oikawa's mouth; Oikawa probably thought that he hadn't heard him, but Iwaizumi did, he did hear his low voice and to grant his wish, he moved on.

This love was hurting them both, killing them both and even though they started to going out, they wouldn't be happy, not after hurting that many people.

Iwaizumi wondered if his life and the people's life around him would be easier if he had never made that love confession. Iwaizumi didn't only hurt himself and turn his life into a mess, he also hurt people around him, he hurt Oikawa and Ushijima, and Matsukawa and Hanamaki, his family and Oikawa's family, Ushijima's family and friends...God, even their team got effected because of Iwaizumi and his dilemmas.

 _"Let me go,"_ Iwaizumi said and pushed Oikawa away with the little strength that was left in his body.

 _"No,"_ Oikawa said, he wanted to try one last time. He knew tonight some things would come an end, and some things would change forever.

 _"Please,"_ Iwaizumi said, his voice was shaking just like his whole body. _"I can't do this, I can't do this to you, him and myself."_

 _"I love you,"_ Oikawa said the magical word and hoped that it would be enough, that it would make Iwaizumi stay with him, _"I love you so much."_ He hoped his love for Iwaizumi would be enough.

 _"I love you too,"_ Iwaizumi admit, after such a long time he was saying those words again, without fear or regret in his voice _"I love you so much that I'm losing my mind, myself.”_

Oikawa let go of Iwaizumi when he saw his painful expression, he said such beautiful words that Oikawa had wished to hear for such a long time with a painful face.

 _"Oikawa, you're everything to me,"_ Iwaizumi was looking at his face, he was facing his eyes but his face expression remains the same, " _you're like the air to me, but even so I can't breathe when I'm next to you."_

 _"Why?"_ Oikawa asked, it was only thing could come out of his mouth, he didn't understand why Iwaizumi was feeling like that, why something so beautiful also causes pain on him?

 _"I don't know,"_ Iwaizumi admitted, he wasn't sure why, because he was feeling guilty? Could be, but he didn't want to say it; that would only make Oikawa blame Ushijima even more. _"But what I know is that I can't be with you..."_ Iwaizumi stood up, "I'm so sorry."

This could be the worst birthday Iwaizumi had ever lived, he was putting an end to two chapters of his life. He couldn't be with either Ushijima or Oikawa. He was only causing trouble for them and they probably would be much better off without Iwaizumi Hajime in their lives.

                                                                                                                               

                                                                                                                            ||*~~*||

 

Raindrops were all he could hear, he was lying on his favourite couch and changing channels one after another, there wasn't anything on TV that got his attention and his knee wasn't letting him be busy with something else.

It had been six months since he injured his knee at a volleyball practice, he fell so hard on his knee that he needed an operation, thankfully the damage wasn't big enough to ruin his volleyball career but even so there were times that his knee ached badly, and even after all this time he still couldn't get used to the ache.

His knee didn't aching when he practiced too much, but it was a different story when it rained. He still found it so weird that rain could affect his knee like that.

Being all alone his room made him think about the times he spent at the hospital, he stay there for almost three weeks, his mother and brother were next to him all long, but the person he wanted to the most didn't even texted him once.

Iwaizumi moved to another city two weeks after his birthday party. He wanted to stay away from Oikawa so much he moved to another city and built a life where Oikawa wasn't involved.

When Iwaizumi ended things between them, he thought for sure Iwaizumi choose Ushijima over him, they would be together from now on and he would even accept Ushijima's proposal, but when he saw Ushijima the next day at college, Oikawa could sense a similar aura around him.

Of course, Ushijima didn't tell Oikawa himself that Iwaizumi broke up with him, he heard it when he was talking with Tendou, he was telling him he did everything he could, but Iwaizumi still broke up with him.

At that moment Oikawa realized how much Ushijima loved Iwaizumi and why it was hard for Iwaizumi to break things off with Ushijima, why he felt so guilty. It was all because this man loved Iwaizumi so much and Iwaizumi only hurt him.

For the first time he felt sad for him, felt sympathy for him, he couldn't believe himself for feeling like that, but since they were in the same situation Oikawa let himself feel sad for him.

After that there were a few times that Ushijima and him went out to drink together with their teammates, but it was the first time they were like more than only teammates, for the first time Oikawa thought maybe they could be more than teammates, he thought they could be friends.

Ushijima visited him at the hospital a few times and bought him some flowers, he still felt sad over Iwaizumi, but little by little he started to move on and Tendou was with him all the time, Oikawa knew about Tendou's feeling for Ushijima and he hopes for the best for them.

But the fact even his old rival, both in court and in love, visited him at the hospital, but his best friend didn't even texted him a ‘get well soon’ made him sad. Oikawa knew that Matsukawa and Hanamaki were still in contact with him and there would be no way that they didn't tell him that Oikawa was in the hospital but still Iwaizumi didn't contact him.

Facing the ugly truth that Iwaizumi was ignoring for months hurt even more than his knee, facing the fact that Iwaizumi cut him off from his life hurt him more. The thought that Oikawa may not see Iwaizumi ever again, not hear his voice, was what hurt him the most.

He was mad at Iwaizumi, he was sad at how he didn't even text him, he was supposed to be his best friend, he supposed to be next to him when Oikawa needed him the most, but he wasn't there, he wasn't next to Oikawa.

That's why his family and friends thought he was getting over Iwaizumi and didn't even mention his name when they were next to him, Oikawa knew nothing about Iwaizumi, he didn't know what he was doing, how was he doing at college? Did he get used to his new home and college? Did he make new friends? Was he going out with someone? Oikawa didn't have answers for those questions.

He could get some answers if he asked Matsukawa or Hanamaki, but he didn't ask, he didn't want to ask, he couldn't ask, he was afraid of what he might hear, he didn't want to know if Iwaizumi didn't get used to his new life, if he didn't have any friends, it would make him so sad if Iwaizumi was all alone; but if it was the exact opposite and Iwaizumi was having a good life and even had started going out with someone else, that would make him even sadder. He didn't want his best friend to be alone, but also didn't want him to get over him so easily when Oikawa still couldn't, that's why he thought not knowing anything would be the best.

 

 

                                                                                                                            ||*~~*||

 

If someone ask Oikawa how he would describe the worst birthday, even he couldn't think of something like this.

It was heavily raining outside, and his knee was aching like someone was cutting off his leg. It had been almost a year since he injured his knee but he still couldn't get used to the pain, especially when it was raining.

It had been one year, a month and two weeks since the last time he had Iwaizumi. Two weeks after his birthday party, Iwaizumi moved to another city and didn't contacted Oikawa ever since.

He didn't even call him when he was in the hospital, Oikawa waited for his call for weeks in his hospital bed, but not even a ‘get well soon’ text was received, and then Oikawa understood the ugly true he had been ignoring for months; Iwaizumi cut him off from his life and he would never come back. He would never see his childhood friend, his best friend, his first and last love ever again.

Oikawa knew some people thought he was mad at Iwaizumi, he also didn't want to see him ever again because that's what he wanted people think, he didn't want people to see a weak and pathetic side of him. He didn't want people to see how he was still in love with Iwaizumi, although he didn't hear a word from him for one year.

It would be a big lie if he said it didn't made him sad how he didn't try to contact him when he was sent to the hospital, there was no way Iwaizumi didn't know about it because Oikawa knew Iwaizumi was still talking with Matsukawa and Hanamaki.

Oikawa tried to ask how he was a few time, but couldn't. He was afraid of what he might hear, they would be honest with him, so they would tell him directly if Iwaizumi was already dating someone else or if he was still in pain, and Oikawa didn't want to know it.

He would be sad if he was dating someone else, he still couldn't get over the fact that Iwaizumi dated Ushijima, but he would be even sadder if he was still in pain and that's why he thought not knowing anything was the best.

So many things had happened in one year, as anyone would guess, after all, one year is such a long time.

In his romantic life, nothing really happened, he had gone to some dates, but nothing lasted more than one or two weeks. The real surprising thing happened between him and Ushijima.

After Iwaizumi ended things between them, he also ended his relationship with Ushijima. He dumped both of them in the same day. Back then, it was something that made Oikawa aching his heart, but now it actually made him laugh.

They probably made Iwaizumi feel like he was a prisoner, they both were pushing his limits and giving him too little space to think. They both wanted Iwaizumi at the same time but somehow forgot to ask what Iwaizumi wanted.

Beep... Beep...

**From: Makki**

sorry bro

we will be late

we can't come until night

sorry again

take care of yourself

 _"How great…"_ Oikawa muttered to himself.

If someone asked him how he would describe the worst birthday, he would probably say something like the one he was having right at the moment. As if his knee aching wasn't enough already, now he was hearing he would be all alone in his home until night.

He didn't imagine a perfect birthday, like he couldn't even if he wanted to, because no birthday of his could be perfect when his Iwa-chan wasn't next to him to wish him a happy birthday.

This would be his second birthday that he didn't celebrate with Iwaizumi, the second of many. Ever since he could remember, he celebrate his birthdays with Iwaizumi, he was older than Oikawa by a month so he really didn't know how it felt like not having Iwaizumi next to him until last year.

He thought he would change everything and accept his love confession, if he could travel in time… but he probably wouldn't because he didn't reject him because he didn't love him, he just didn't think it was the right time for them, and in fact even now he thinks that wasn't right time for them.

Thinking about past the was something Oikawa did too often these days, he lost the sense of time when he thought about the past, the old days, when everything was much simpler and Iwaizumi was next to him. He could see him every day, hear his voice every day and he missed those days so much.

With the sound of the door, Oikawa came to his sense, he thought it was probably a postman, he remembered that Hanamaki mentioned that he was waiting for a post. Leaving his comfortable couch was too hard, but when postman knocked at the door again, Oikawa stood up while whining and walked towards to door, it was still raining rapidly and his knee was aching even more with every move but he was able to open the door before the postman left.

 _"Oikawa Tooru?"_ the postman asked.

_"Yes?"_

_"This packet is for you, please, sign here."_ The postman gave him a huge packet and some papers, Oikawa signed the papers and thanked him. After that, the postman walked away.

Oikawa got inside and went back to his comfortable couch, he thought it was a birthday gift from his family or fans, but he didn't have the energy to open the packet so he put the packet to the side on a corner, but when he saw the name of Iwaizumi Hajime, he found the energy in himself to even run a marathon.

After one damn year, it was the first time Iwaizumi contacted him, Oikawa opened the packet with such a huge rush.

It was a handmade telescope, it was Iwaizumi's father's telescope that his father had bought for him when he was six Oikawa hadn't seen that telescope for almost ten years.

 

                                                                                                                            ||*~~*||

 

One day, when Oikawa and Iwaizumi were seven Oikawa got bored because there wasn't school and there were not enough people to play volleyball, he wanted to see watch the stars and the sky, he knew Iwaizumi's father had a beautiful telescope and he asked Iwaizumi if they could watch the stars with it. They both were only seven and Iwaizumi wasn't allowed to touch the telescope without his father or mother next to him.

But because he couldn't say no to Oikawa, they took the telescope and went out to watch the stars, but telescope was heavier than what they could handle and they drop it before they could watch the stars. Iwaizumi's father got so mad, Oikawa had never seen someone that mad before, Iwaizumi even cried when his father yelled at him, Oikawa wanted to go between them and say it was all his fault but Iwaizumi didn't let Oikawa speak.

His father told him he wasn't allowed to go outside until the summer break ended, Iwaizumi didn't said anything and accepted the punishment, he was also so sad because it was broken, he knew how much that telescope meant to his father but he didn't blame Oikawa for anything.

Oikawa took the telescope from the packet, it looked like the first time he saw it, you couldn't even tell that it was once broken, he wondered when did they get it repaired and why Iwaizumi send it to Oikawa. How his father allowed him to give it to Oikawa. Iwaizumi once told him that this telescope should stay in the Iwaizumi family, it originally belonged to his grandfather, and his grandfather's father made this telescope for the Iwaizumi men. Oikawa couldn't understand why Iwaizumi would give something this precious to him.

Then Oikawa saw a letter inside of the packet, he put back the telescope carefully, and open the letter.

 

                                                                                                                            ||*~~*||

 

 _"Hey Shittykawa-"_ Oikawa was almost in tears as he read the line, he could even hear Iwaizumi's voice calling him shittykawa and god, he even missed all the mean names that Iwaizumi used to call him.

 _"-I'm sorry for being such a careless person and not contacting you until now, I have no excuse other than I wasn't ready to face you, hear your voice again, because the minute I hear your voice I would want to be with you, be next to you, be in your arms again and I feel like I don't have the right be in your life. When I heard from Hanamaki that you and Ushijima were getting close to each other, I understood I made the right choice going away, and that's why I didn't meet you at the hospital, because I thought seeing me again wouldn't be good for you. God I can see your shocked face, yes I did go to the hospital, did you really think I wouldn't have gone? I j-"_ That's it, Oikawa was in tears, he was crying, he didn't even remember when was the last time he cried, he had held his tears back for such long time.

 _"He went, he went, he went,"_ Oikawa keep repeated, he told himself tons of times that it's okay that he hadn’t come, that it didn’t mean he didn't care about him anymore, but it wasn't true, Iwaizumi did go to see him, he was worried about him so he took a six hours long train ride to see Oikawa for a few minutes.

_"-ust couldn’t face you, I was too afraid of your reaction, I was afraid that you would reject me again, you would be mad at me and not want to see me again. Oikawa, I'm not as strong as everyone thinks, not when it comes to you and you're making me lose my mind, that's why I'm scared of you… I want you, but I’m also so scared that I couldn't get close, but I'm ready now, I'm not scared anymore because I miss you more than what I’m afraid, not seeing your ugly face is harder than confronting my fears, not hearing your voice is more painful than my fears. I'm not sure if I still have a chance with you but even if it's a little one I'm willing to wait. I'll wait for your answer, good or bad. But believe me, even if you don't want a relationship, I'll always be your friend and I’ll stay next to you._

_Happy brithday, Tooru._

_\- Iwaizumi Hajime._

_p.s. my number is still the same and I'll be waiting for your call._

 

                                                                                                                            ||*~~*||

 

Oikawa threw the letter away and searched for his phone immediately, he couldn't believe this was really happening, he couldn't believe Iwaizumi was still in love with him, that he still wanted him, and they would be able to be together.

They waited too long for this, all Oikawa wanted was to find his phone, call Iwaizumi and tell him he was waiting for him, he needed him, he wanted him, he loved him so much.

Oikawa found his phone behind a pillow, he had probably thrown it here after reading Hanamaki's text.

Oikawa thought it was taking ages for Iwaizumi to pick up his phone, he longed to hear his voice again.

 _"Oikawa?"_ Iwaizumi asked, his voice was shaking, he was far away from Oikawa but he felt like he was right next to him.

 _"Iwa-chan."_ Oikawa said. He knew everything would be okay from now, Iwaizumi had come back to his life a few second ago and was already making his life better.

It was raining heavily outside and his knee ached badly, but Oikawa forgot about the pain long ago.

It was his best birthday, one of many.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally done with this, took longer than I thought it would be, at the first I planned to make this 2 or 3 chapter but I just published 15th chapter. Thanks for reading this, leaving kudos and comments. 
> 
> I said I will make an alternative ending because I wouldn't make a choise between ushiiwa and oiiwa but then I realized I already have ushiiwa in my most of fics and give this an oiiwa ending plus I'm planning to make another college au where the main couple is ushiiwa also will have oiiwa but as a past relationship or so I'm still not sure about it. 
> 
> Anyways, thank you so much for reading this again and I also should thank Taitsu for helping me!

**Author's Note:**

> the main reason I made Hajime go out with Ushijima is I like the idea that Oikawa keep losing to him. Losing everything he loves to him. Ugh I'm not sure if I love or hate him. lol
> 
> And I'm sorry of all those "because" , "and" and "but" spam.


End file.
